Alright ladies, I'm only 14 weeks, but my boyfriend and I had a "discussion" last night about who should stay home with the baby. Some key info here is: that our little bundle of joy was not planned, however we are both excited about it. More key info is that my b/f injured his hand on the job a few years ago and is medically retired and thus brings in a pension every month, just not really enough (in his eyes) to support a family of 3 (I admit it would be a stretch I think)--he can work, but since he doesn't have do, he does not. I can't blame him, if I didn't have to work I wouldn't either. But this is a different situation, isn't it? We're having a baby, we see our lives together, why wouldn't he want to support me and our child being together? I have always planned to stay home with my children until they went to school, unless that was financially impossible. My b/f says that b/c I'm the one working, after my 12 week Family Medical Leave expires it's only logical that I go back to work and he stays home with the baby, since he's at home anyway. I can't tell you how much this upsets me, because I feel like I'm going to being robbed of my child's first years. I am afraid that I am going to resent my b/f for this, cause I feel that already.
I know that we are VERY fortunate that a parent is able to stay home at all, as for many people this is not an option, but I feel like I'm being punished for getting pregnant--here you go, you will have a baby, but the price you'll pay is that you don't get to participate in it's growth up as you wanted to.
Hello, unfortunately I would have to agree with your bf. It is only logical for him to stay home if he is disabled. Sorry I can't give you encouragement for what you want. Maybe someone else will disagree with how I see it?
I also agree with your boyfriend. If you are able to make more money becuase of no disablility then it is logical that he would be the one to stay home. Both parents are highly capable of doing a great job staying home with the child, it should not matter if you are a women or a man.
I see your point, I guess you'd have to be in the situation to see all the nuances. So how do you suggest I keep myself from resenting him? It's already tough enough that he takes a lot of joy in rubbing in the fact that he doesn't have to get up at 0545 to go to work and he gets to sleep in all day, I will be livid if he rubs in my face that he is getting to see our child grow up and I only get to see him/her for an hour in the evenings.
Count your blessings that you do not have to put the baby in child care. If my DH wanted to stay home and be a full time Dad I would love it and welcome it with open arms. There is noting to resent just because you may miss the first time they roll over does not mean you will miss it the second time around when you are home. Wouldn't you much rather have your bf tell you all of the babies firsts rather than some stranger who could actually care less since the baby is not theirs? I honestly would not stress about this yet. You have a long ways to go and more pressing issues will arise before you have to worry about going back to work.
Congrats on the pregnancy and I know it will all work out for you and your new family.
I agree with everyone else. With my first two, it was impossible for me to stay home. I did however with my third. I cannot tell you the times I wished to work, just for a break...I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. With my smallest one know I only work 1 day a week, and I hate leaving him, but it is nice to know that between my husband and Daughter he is taken care of and I don't have to leave him with a stranger. Be thankful that you have a man, that is interested in his child first off, and willing to take care of it too. That is a special thing right there in itself. I know you find this hard to believe right now, and will even after the baby is born, but if you have 12 weeks of time off after the birth of your child, by the third month, you will probably enjoy some time away from home. If not, then maybe you and your b/f could discuss different options. I have worked from home and there is money to be made doing that, the times were just inconvenient for me. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.
I totally feel for you. I would want to be the one staying home with my baby, too. But how can your bf work while collecting disability? Or would that not matter? And what would he do without use of a hand? Or is he really not as medically disabled as he would like people to think?
I think I would find a job working at night. You could put the baby to sleep and he could take care of the baby at night (while the baby mostly slept), then you could come home in the morning, be the first face he/she sees whe he/she wakes and feed the baby, play, and go to sleep when the baby goes down for a nap. Your bf can take care of the baby when he/she wakes from the nap (while you continue to sleep) and he can feed and play with him/her, and start dinner. You can get up, have dinner with your family and head to work.
Also, can you work part-time? Like 4 or 5 hours instead of 9? That would be much better--if you could work 9pm - 1 or 2am or something.
I really hope he doesn't rub it in your face. That would seriously be very creepy of him to do that.
I think I would be more concerned with the fact that he would rather collect a check than work (you did say he is able to, right?) and the "rubbing in" he does because you're getting up each day and going to work.
If my dh were that kind of guy, I would be resentful whether a baby was involved or not!!
Yes, if possible, I would do the part-time thing. If your BF can work, maybe he could do the same? I know everyone has its own opinion, but personally I would be happier with a part-time job then staying at home full-time. It gives you a chance to have grown-up conversations about something else then poop-diapers and you enjoy your kids more. I see it when I go shopping for an afternoon and come back. They love me while during the week I'm always the one saying "no, you can't do that" and my husband gets the royal treatment in the evening.
I totally understand what you're saying...I worked at a daycare for a year and often the mom's would express how upset they were that I was seeing their kids grow and they had to work. One thing I will tell you though is that you said your boyfriend rubs it in that he can sleep in and not get up at 5:45...well once that baby is born boyfriend will NOT be able to sleep in! Being a stay at home Mom/or Dad is a full-time job, and many say it's even harder than working a 9-5...so maybe he'll come to realize this and beg to go back to work! Good luck...unfortunately both my boyfriend and I are going to have to work once the baby is born...I'm trying to figure out if I can maybe work from home...we'll see!
Being a SAHM is hard work and being with adults is great, I love being able to take a break (I don't work everyday and I do my own schedule) being the bad guy is annoying and I've noticed that my DD barely listens to me and listen do her daddy 90% of the time because she doesn't see him every second of the time.
I think you are pretty lucky to have a BF who wants to sty home with the baby, I've heard of stories of unemployed fathers with a working mom but they would still take the kids to daycare because the father wouldn't take care of the kids or the house.
It's normal to feel sad about it but after 12 weeks off, I'm sure you'll be glad to get a little break, it will probably be hard at first but it will make your time with your baby even more precious.
If you have a camcorder, maybe your BF can recorde things that your baby do everyday so when you come home you'll still get so see it.
After someone else's comment, I'm wondering how he will be able to physically care for a baby with only one hand if he reallyh can't work. Are you concerned that he might just close the baby's door and let the baby cry instead of actually caring for him/her? If he's lazy, will he let the baby sit in a poopy diaper all day? Or not feed him/her when hungry? What exactly does he do all day at home now?
I would be very concerned. I doubt that he will eventually say, "This SAHD stuff is too hard--I'm going to get a job!" He may just continue to stay home and just not do the SAHD thing--but will you know that he's not doing it?
My b/f was a deputy and was injured in an altercation on the job. He's not broken, he has good use of his arm & hand, but the reason he is medically retired is because while he can participate in all the functions of a deputy, but he cannot be involved in any physical altercations due to his hand. His arm is not disabled like that. He can still ride his motorcycle, open jars, he can do everything we can all do, however he can't do *really* physical things with his hand (he can write with it, he can type with it, etc). He *can* hold a job, however it has to be within the guidelines expressed by the county (i.e. he can't get a physical job, he couldn't be a builder for example). Long before we got pregnant, we were talking about the future, and he said at that time that he wanted to get married and have a family, and that he was wise with his money and was lucky to have this retirement pension and still be physically able to hold a job--and thus when he did start a family he could "double dip" by having his pension AND a job to support his family. THIS is what I take issue with.
After said unexpected pregnancy occurred and I told him, his first response was, "so am I going to have to get a job?" [then chuckled]. Later, when we talked about who was going to take care of the baby, I said, "I always planned to be a stay at home Mom, but I realize that it doesn't *have* to be that way, and I guess I would be open to other options, although that is far from my ideal". What did he hear? He heard me say that I thought it was the smarter choice for him to stay home because I have a job.
Ugh. I have learned the hard way to let people do what they say they would do. Jumping in and offering to make things easier in the hopes that they will insist on doing the right thing obviously doesn't work all the time.
Can you talk to him? Tell him that when you found out you were pregnant, you weren't at all worried because of what he said? That when you commented on being open to other alternatives, you expected him to insist on doing what he said he would do? That you'd like for him to get a job? Even as a security guard part time at night? Or maybe doing PI work/surveillance? If he really doesn't want to, ask him to help you figure out how you can financially make it on just the pension. There are definitely ways to cut expenses (if you are committed to doing so). Like someone else said, maybe one car, a smaller house, budget weekly spending better, shop at thrift stores, sell the motorcycle, etc. Whatever it is you need to do to make it financially.
Seriously...if you silently go along with this when you obviously don't feel good about it, resentment will build and there will be a bigger problem down the road. And once you put a plan in motion, it will be harder to talk about this and change things later than if you straighten things out now.
He will be in for a big surprise when he has to take care of an infant all day. I like one of the posters suggestion of you getting a 3rd shift job. You will be working while the baby will be sleeping. Your bf will have to take care of the baby all day and then be the one to have to get up during the night to feed the baby. See how he likes that!! You come home from work and spend incredible quality time with your baby.
I totally respect your bf for the line of work he was in. I've been a deputy for the last 9 years (reserve now, because I'm a probation officer). I understand that he can't work in THAT capacity due to his injury. I'm just surprised he hasn't secured some other type of job- at least something part time. If, despite his injury, he has more earning potential that you, I think he should find a new job. But if he just doesn't want to, then at least one parent will be home with the baby.
Good point, RR. Guess breastfeeding won't be done by the Dad! Its hard to pump and work full time. Do-able, but hard.
I have much more problem with the fact that he COULD get a job doing something that perhaps isn't his first choice, but instead chooses to sit home and collect disability from the government while YOU work hard supporting the family.
And yes, I'm sure men can be good SAHDs, but I wonder if they do quite as good nurturing the infant AND doing all the housework??? Or will the housework begin to fall on your shoulders after work?
Thanks for all your comments this morning, I really needed the encouragement some of you provided. Part of this is that I am an old fashioned girl when it comes to raising children and having a family. My Mum stayed home with us, my sister is home with her kids, and I want to be home with mine.
Yes, I CAN work (so can he!), however his earning power is greater than mine, he doesn't have breasts (I am aware that I can express milk, but it's not fresh, and I would have to pump at home and at work), and in addition to getting up at 0545 to go to work and getting home 12 hours later, I also would get up to nurse the baby in the night--and while my b/f could bottle feed the baby in the night, I would WANT to bond with my kid no matter what hour, so now I'm getting even less sleep on which to operate at work.
I am aware that some of you don't see the issue that I do and that I should be happy he's willing to stay home, but I know part of this is that he frankly doesn't want to get a job at all. He likes being at home and not working, but he's only 33, he needs to be doing *something*, and my feeling is he should be supporting the family. And I also have realized through this not to question when people say they are going to do something, to just let them do it!!! So when he originally said, "so does this mean I have to get a job", I should have left it at "yes", and that was that!
hekela - I think he should be working and support his family too. I think men do a fine job with older children, but I don't think they do as good a job (on average) than a mother does with a baby. I think babies need their mommies, if only as you say, because the mommies have breasts. Mommies have a special kind of nurturing that men don't have.
I have a friend who has more earning power than her husband, and he got a back injury. He stayed home AFTER the babies were two years old - she did the first two years, because that's when they need her, not him.
I think you should lay down the law. I don't know how you do that exactly now that you're in a powerless position - before the pregnancy, you had all the power. (Go to work, or I'm leaving.) Now you just kind of have to beg.
I wish you well. I think he'd actually be happier working, and supporting his family - he just kind of sounds a little depressed.
I just wanted to say that he's not collecting disability from the government, he was injured on the job and thus was retired early from his position as a deputy with our county. So, he is receiving NOW the retirement pension he would normally be getting in 2o years. So he's not mooching off the gov't. He IS injured, but he can work, just not in such a physical line of work. He's not worked in about 6 months, (he injured himself 2 years ago, but then went to a desk job), and his take on working to date has been that he has money coming in to pay his mortgage and bills, so he doesn't HAVE to work to pay these things... so while he is considering his next career, he feels no pressure at all to get on it within any real timeframe. (He used to say he was taking a year off, now it's "maybe 2", and has also said, "I may never work again".) My take on it is that he NEEDS to get on this now, because we are having a baby! Much of this was sparked by me overhearing a portion of a phone conversation he had with a friend, and I heard him tell the friend, "yeah, or Heather will just work", knowing that he friend asked if he was going to get a job. This friend he was talking to is a stay-at-home-nothing, his wife is a pediatrician and makes big bucks, so he doesn't *have* to work at all (no kids or pets), so he farts around the house all day and has now taken up golfing. My thought on that guy, is, "does he have no SELF RESPECT??"
I guess I come from a family where my Dad sees laying about as laziness, and none of us do it, so it's hard for me to hear my b/f say that he may not work, but may instead let me work, I just think it's wrong, he should want to support his family. In his mind, he *already* is bringing in a salary (retirement), so he shouldn't have to work. I guess I just don't get it.
And he's a NEAT FREAK, holy cow. I don't know if he could take care of a baby and keep the house how he wants it, but frankly I'm not sure anyone could do that.
Both my husband I an currently work full-time, we are due in April. Anyways he is a teacher and gets a big chunk of the summers and Christmas and other holidays off that I don't. I am going to be off from April 18th ( or when the baby comes) for about 6 to 8 weeks then he is going to take over until the end of the summer. We are currently trying to sell our house, that way I can maybe work Part-time, but if not we are stuck getting a sitter. I plan on breastfeeding up till i go back to work, then let the baby decided what she wants to do after that, we might continue to breastfeed some and pump some and maybe even supplement some. But that'll be a wait and see game. Good luck
If it's like my retirement system, the longer I work the more money I'll receive when I do retire. If I drew it out now, I would receive significantly less than if I wait until I'm 51. And if I wait until I'm 56, I'll receive even more, and so on...
Even if he's going to receive the same amount each month now as he is when he's 50, 60, or whenever, it's still not as much as a paycheck would bring it.
I'm basically agreeing with you here- if he has the potential to earn more money, I think he needs to go back to work.
oh yes, mslkpage, he would have earned more if he retired at 50+. Anyway, I find this whole thing stressful, and frankly if we had planned this pregnancy, this wouldn't even be a question--along with other things. We'd be married, and my wishes of being a SAHM would be known and agreed to before we ever conceived.
sorry to be harsh and all people might get mad but i would totally be pissed as well its the mums job to raise the kids if this is what she wants who grew the baby and cared for the baby who is the one with the maternal instincts?
and hes on the disability omg he must be lazy there a plenty of jobs you can do with a bung hand and if hes not prepared to sacrifice for you you should get rid of him cut your losses.
move into your own home with baby and collect the single parents pension for a year or so then you can be with the baby 24/7 you paid your taxes didnt you so dont feel bad the guy sounds like a jerk i am sorry but my kids come first over anything and i wouldent miss there first smile,laugh,rolling over,sitting up,crawling,talking,and walkin for anyone i am sorry but yeah this is what i beleive unless both parties are happy with the dad staying home i wish you the best of luck do what makes you happy.
One of the reasons I have such a hard time with this is that I UNDERSTAND that he is also the parent, and thus why should it be ME staying home and not him? I guess the few reasons I can come up with are: staying him with the kids has always been my dream, not his; as one lady said above, mummies have a special kind of nurturing that most fathers don't have and women are generally better caregivers during the first years of life; it will be difficult for me to breastfeed/pump while working. There's more, but that's a start.
Talk to him. Tell him you're disappointed--that you really thought that he would stick to his word and get a job and take care of his family the way he said he would. If you were to decide to do this on your own (with the help of your family), child support would be deducted from his pension and he'd end up having to get a job anyway. I'm surprised he hasn't considered that (unless he knows you too well and knows you'd never do that?).
I am going to talk to him, my Dad says I need to give him the benefit of time and see what happens, give him a few days to think through this. My Mum said that I never put myself first and I NEED to stick to my guns, especially in this situation. She said that if you try to shield people, they will always take advantage of you. She also wondered why my b/f doesn't want to get married (not entirely true), but has no problem with me working to support him and the baby? When I said that's not really true b/c his pension pays the bills and stuff, she pointed out that SOMEONE still has to work to support the family, and wondered why he's ok with it being me? This is frustrating me more and more, and making me feel like I am not with a "man", and that's upsetting. I may be in my early 30's, but I am still old school in that the Mum stays home with the kids while the Dad works, unless they absolutely financially cannot make it.
I think it's a good sign that your dad is encouraging you to be patient--I would think that your dad would be all over him. So I see that as a good sign that he isn't. Do you live near your parents? It's nice that you have their support.
Regarding marriage...why haven't you gotten married, if you don't mind my asking? Is medical insurance an issue with your quitting your job?
I'm a bit old fashioned, too. I like being a SAHM. I have a 10yo and we home school, too. I do work from home, too, though, but it's very flexible and I work for our company. Anyway, I feel so fortunate to be able to be home with my son and daughter-on-the-way.
Hekela, I am very much on the mothers-for-nuture side when it comes to the first 2 years of a child for all the reasons mentioned above, including breastfeeding. Just wanted to caution you not to take the benefit-of-time route your Dad recommends because you do not want to change the prime caregiver during the attachment years unless you absolutely have to. The very least for the first 6 months I would make sure you are the one, rather the first 2 or 3 years. I know how well most new dads mean but a lot of them feel the urge to toughen their infants up right after birth, throwing footballs at them, feeding them shrimps, testing their lungs under water etc. ....not realizing that he little-buddy-and-daddy thing rarely starts before 2 1/2. Put your foot down if you feel like it already.
Personally, I feel that if he's able to work, then he SHOULD work. I know someone whose husband hurt his back working, and now does not work at all. Yet, he still goes fishing, hunts, and does whatever else he wants to do. He can't do the job he WAS doing, because he DID hurt his back...but he could find another job if he really wanted to. I mean, there are people who don't have hands at all who find ways to work. Her dh does NONE of the housework, and doesn't even cut the grass!! She does it all. And now they're having a baby. I can't wait to see if he helps with that at all. His mom will probably watch the baby while she continues to work full time, and her lazy husband sits on his butt all day.
Anyway, I would tell your dh that if he can't return to the same type of work due to his hand, then he should look into doing an online college course to find something he CAN do, so that you can someday change your job to a part time job or something. It isn't fair that he's putting it all on you. I know things have changed (SAHD's and such). But to use his hand as an excuse is WRONG. I think he should work towards making SOME kind of income so that (at the very least) when the baby starts school in a few years, he'll have a degree to help get a job that he can handle, and help with the finances.
And he better not leave a messy house for you to clean up when you get home! I can't stand lazy men! LOL
Well I talked to him last night about it and he's adamanant that he stays home. Not particularly because he WANTS to, but it's more that I HAVE a job already and he sees no reason why he can't take care of the baby (plus another of his big things is that he wants me to contribute financially to the household). Methinks he's in for a surprise when the baby comes and he
Agiesmom`s advice is super. Even if you take a different route, ask yourself what your fiance is currently doing during the day. Since he does not seem to easily change his mind, he would likely not sacrifice his daily routines for the sake of your baby. If you still feel your baby will be happy and safe, alright. If the scenario does not feel right, leave. You are being manipulated, cop style.
Why not compromise? Why don't you BOTH get part-time jobs and stagger the hours? You work 9pm to 1am or noon-4pm (or whatever) and he works whatever other hours? That way you are both bending and feeling like the other is, too. And if you are married, your health insurance wouldn't be an issue.
If he's not even willing to do that (work part-time and see that the mother of his child has insurance), you have much bigger problems than you even realize. He's supposed to be on his best behavior now--before you're married, before you have a baby. This is the time when he's supposed to be putting his best foot forward. If this is his best foot, I'd be very concerned.
I don't know about custody and child support laws in your state, so I suggest you consult with an attorney--now, BEFORE you have the baby. Get a list of questions together. Ask the attorney what would happen if you work full-time for six months while your bf's home with the baby all day--what are the chances that he will get custody? What are the chances that you can move out of state or even out of town after the baby is born? What if you move before the baby is born? How much child support would you likely get? If you have JOINT custody, does he even have to PAY child support? What are the chances that you will have to pay HIM child support? Also, tell the attorney that your bf probably knows a lot of public servants in town, having been one himself (he may even know the judge hearing your custody case)--how do you think the fact that he's a disabled retired deputy will play out in court? These are things you should find out NOW. Even if you don't foresee needing to know the answers to these questions in the future. You should at least know where you stand.
I know I shouldn't be the one making all the sacrifices, but if I send him to work, HE will be the one making the sacrifices. Why is it more important that *I* be with the baby than him? I told him that I will probably find it very difficult to not resent him, and he replied that if I force him into a working situation, he might resent me too. His point is that we didn't plan this and we're doing the best we can with what we have going. I don't know, I think it's ****, I am of the opinion that he should be supporting me and the baby, that's just what a MAN does. I can tell you that I am not moving back to Canada. The closest thing I could do is move to where my best friend is.
I don't know. I appreciate your advice. So if I leave before the baby is born, he has no recourse?
I'm sorry, but why is this up to HIM? HE has decided that HE is staying home and HE will see if HE changes HIS mind later?
And now he's not going to ask you to marry him because he told you what he claims he had PLANNED to do on vacation? And you need to financially contribute to the household?
You do realize that you have absolutely no say in your life or the life of your baby, don't you? He sounds like he has some serious control issues.
You really should think long and hard about things. If you wait until the baby's born and realize your heart can't take being away from your baby all day and realize that he's being awful (and he is, imo) and things fall apart, guess what--you can't even leave the state with your baby without his written consent, never mind the country. You'll be stuck in the town you are in, trying to make ends meet on your own without any family support (I know someone who did this exact same thing).
I'd tell him that you need to think about things and decide if HIS decisions about YOUR life (your not being married, his not working, your not being with your baby, etc.) are things that you can live with--and if you decide that you can't live with them, then you're going back to Canada (before the baby is born) and he can just send child support.
I know how it is when you are pregnant--hormonal, emotion, etc.--and you think YOU are the one who is being unreasonable, but I think most people here have agreed that you are not. Now it's up to you how you want to handle it, but I guarantee things will get worse--you should be thankful that he's showing you his true colors now, while you have a chance to make some choices about your life. And it's not just your life now, you have your baby to think about.
If you wait, have the baby, go to work, and decide six months later that you just can't do it and he says, "too bad" and you decide to move on, not only will you not be able to leave the state or country, how do you think custody will go? He'll have a strong case when he says the baby only knows him because you worked 10 hours a day every day. You may not even end up with custody, never mind child support. Actually, you may have to pay HIM child support.
Please think about this. You sound like you want to just get along and be a family, but you shouldn't be the one making all the sacrifices. You are setting a precedence here--you teach people how to treat you.
I have to agree that he should stay home with the baby. He isn't working and planned not to work for awhile. This pregnancy wasn't planned and your not married so you really have no grounds to set the rules and I can understand why he feels you should contribute to the household. If you are that unhappy then move out and raise the child on your own.
SAHD's can do a great job even with infants. My husband stayed home with our daughter for 6 months. He took care of her and the housework. I made way more money than he did at the time. We have a friend who has been a SAHD for 2 years, he also takes care of all the housework.
I have some friends who rent 3 rooms of their house out to other people, Mind you, they both have full time jobs(the owners), one of the tenants works an almost full time job, another one of them just landed a baby-sitting job for whenever she may be needed...
the other doesn't work...he's ex-mil and on ssi...(he could work if he wanted to, that's true enough)... the husband of the house works his job, comes home and sits in front of the computer for nearly the whole duration of his 2 days off, and gripes about how no one cleans the house I say, "It's hard to motivate someone from the sitting position." In other words, he should do SOMETHING at least during his two days off, but doesn't... in the 5 to 6 years I've known the man, I've seen him organize cupboards at his parents' house ONCE, and I've never seen nor heard of the man EVER cooking ANYTHING that ya couldn't nuke in 3 minutes or less... I was raised in a family where my step dad was the primary "bread-winner", although I must say my mother did her best until a car accident completely screwed up her back....I have a job, I'm a full-time Certified Nurse's Assistant currently on maternity leave... I'm considering going to part time after the baby is born, I kinda think he might get confused thinking baby sitter is his mommy or daddy... NOT COOL.... anyways, just my two-cents worth (plus a few... LoL) When did parents stop teaching ALL of their kids how to cook??? Just wondering... I learned when I was nine, standing on a footstool LOL
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