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Do you have one person that controls money in your relationship?
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Do you have one person that controls money in your relationship?

I work with a man that is constantly talking of not having money because his wife manages their budget.  He is allowed to have $20.00 per week in cash, but has to account for each and every dollar spent.

It's Friday and normally, a lady in my office and I go grab a burger or something and visit - on Fridays.  It's usually no more than $5.00-$6.00.  He's new and we have invited him to lunch on a few occasions and as long as we paid - he would go.  He just told us that he has the money to go but his wife didn't TELL him he could use his $5.00 today.  I asked him if he didn't have a debit card and he said, Yes, but I am not allowed to use it.   He was actually counting change to see if he could get an order of fries when she and I went!

Granted he was out of work for a couple of months, but we just found out that (he told us) that he received 6 months salary when he was laid off.  This isn't someone making $6.50 an hour - I do the payroll and know what he makes and it's definitely not a nominal amount.  He has also mentioned that he doesn't have any large bills - 1 car payment - small house payment (under $700 a month) - his mother buys his family their clothes - his wife works....  nothing unusual (OH and NO credit cards)....why he shard that is beyond me....

I understand the need to save money,especially in today's economy, but he is always talking of savings, etc. and now he mentions that he isn't ALLOWED to spend money, as little as $5.00.  I have read all of the Dave Ramsey, and I get it....but even Dave Ramsey allows for SOME use of cash.  I just can't imagine being a 41 year old - professional person - who isn't allowed to spend $5.00!

Is that a normal (and as I told him - if it works, good for you), way to handle finances in a relationship?  My husband and I budget, but we have an amount that we are comfortable to spend without accounting to each other - at least for lunch once a week.  

What is your opinion?
Tags: spending money, Dave Ramsey, economy, budget, MONEY
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30 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn

My opinion (based off everything your co-worker has told you) is that he is in an abusive relationship. Many abusive men have done the same thing as a means of trying to control their spouse or girlfriend.
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Avatar_m_tn
I guess he must like it or he wouldn't put up with it. Some guys need to be controlled. I cannot imagine a relationship like that but may I'm the abnormal one.
Mike
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483733_tn?1326802046
It makes you wonder if there was a financial oops in the past and she is punishing and overcompensating for it now.  Or, is she very controlling and is spending what she wants and doesn't want him to know the situation.  He really needs to sit down with her and make the financial budgeting and bill paying a joint situation.  That man is going to blow one day if he continues to be treated like a child.
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Avatar_m_tn
It would be interesting to see her and see if she is "high maintenance” and requires a lot of money for her goodies.
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Avatar_f_tn

I don't think he likes it at all. I'm sure he tells his co-workers about it because it makes him angry. Unfortunately though.. he needs to learn how to put his foot down and say "enough is enough ! "  

If I were the this guy's co-worker, I would never bad mouth his wife or say anything. But when he comments about how his wife is giving him an allowance, I might ask him if he's okay with that.

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Avatar_m_tn
How old is this guy? Mature people don't tolerate this type of treatment if they don't like it. While he may not like it in the same sense that you and I like things or people he tolerates bad treatment so it must play into his likes or needs in some way(s).
I read people saying that this guy should sit down and talk to his wife etc and you say he should learn to put his foot down. From what I read he is not capable or inclined to do that. Why he complains about it is what fascinates me. I have seen a lot of guys dominated by their wives but rarely do they speak out about it - in my experience anyway. It has to be coaxed out of them because they are ashamed to be treated like they are. This man seems to want to talk about it. To tell new co-workers that your wife has to authorize every expenditure would be too humiliating to most of the men I know who are in a situation like this to speak about - and especially to new female co-workers.
I think there are 2 possibilities. He's either lying or exaggerating for some reason or he's comfortable with his situation. I don't disagree that he is in an abusive relationship if what he says is true. I just think that for some reason he "likes" it. Generally abusive husbands make more money than their wives so the wives feel stuck - I never knew an abused wife who was rich. though there probably are some. If this guy makes more than his wife then why would he tolerate her mistreatment about money. The vast majority of abused women who I have come across did not have the means to just leave the abusive relationship. I did a lot of divorce law and that was what I saw. This story just sounds too strange to me.
Mike
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750172_tn?1256150676
Uh...I'm I the only one who noticed his mom is buying the family clothes??  Sounds like maybe he's used to having the women in his life do everything for him...and he likes it.  He probably has some "manly" complex and realizes it's not the norm for your wife to allot you money so he lies and makes you feel sorry for him...

Anyway, who knows, it does sound a bit odd.
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750172_tn?1256150676
I just thought of something else too.  There's no way to know the whole situation.  What if he's a recovering addict so his wife wants to make sure his money isn't going to support the habit.  There could be a lot of reasons for their set-up, not necessarily abuse.
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495284_tn?1333897642
I have an opinion on this one but dare not say it.............
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649848_tn?1357751184
I recognize this guy as martyr material!!  "Oh woe is Me"!!  "How sorry can I get you to feel for me?"

There are several scenarios for this guy, but of course without knowing all the circumstances, it's impossible to say:  

1) He might not like that he has to ask for permission to spend $5.00, but wants to appear "brow beaten" so the new ladies at work will feel sorry for him.

2) Then on the other hand - he might actually enjoy the idea that she's the boss, but still likes the idea that the ladies feel sorry for him.  

3) Everything he's telling you might be a lie, but he enjoys the idea that you think he's the "underdog" and likes that you might feel sorry for him.  

4) Maybe SHE abuses him.  If that's the case, and he doesn't have the "umph" to get out of the relationship; or he stays in it so people will feel sorry for him.  

No matter how you slice it, he enjoys having you feel sorry for him or think he's mysterious.

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159063_tn?1247276417
WOW!!!! as I was reading all the comments I was thinking exactly what you wrote. so now I dont have to type all that I feel the exact same way barb135 feeels
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568659_tn?1256143582
I used to completely control the money, Joe didn't ever see his paychecks they went directly into my account and I would give him money if he asked but only if I KNEW what he was spending it on. The reason for that is that Joe was a drug addict so I had to in order to make sure he didn't blow all our money. Now that he is a recovering addict for going on 2 years I can trust him.

I also agree with Barbs views on this.
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535822_tn?1389452880
Yup ME  no seriously I do the day to day stuff and pay bills ,everything is in joint names Im not daft, but he does any investing , dare I say it the Stock Market!!!
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587315_tn?1333556383
This man is ALLOWING his wife to give him only $20 a week and has to account for how he spends that huge amount of $?????  The man sounds a bit "P" whipped to me!!  He needs to get a backbone!!  Now, I can understand if the wife has to control the family budget------IF_IF_IF, he has a tendency to overspend, bounces checks all the time, or if she's trying to get them out of debt, etc.  I really do understand this, because I always manage to end up with men that are horrible with money, and I wind up being the "financial advisor" to help them straighten out their finances.  They usually appreciate my help, and know that I'm looking out for their best interests.

What makes this topic interesting, is the fact that in relationships, it usually winds up with one person being careless with money, and the other one is careful with money.  I've seen this with other couples, as well as with myself.  This sounds like a good balance to me!!!  The "money control" could be a very good thing, as long as it's not taken overboard!!
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495284_tn?1333897642
Am glad to hear your husband is doing well!!!!  Congrats to the both of you!!!!

Now where is Jollyman........i was waiting for a comment from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL
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518031_tn?1295578974
i am divorced..have 3 grow kids.. there goes mu budget
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365714_tn?1292202708
Angelinthemorning, I noticed that to. Sounds like the man is especially passive to let his wife control his money and his parents to buy cothing. I would say whata control freak his wife is, but I don't think we know the full story, so I can't say yet...

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649848_tn?1357751184
I handle our $ on a day to day basis - seeing that the bills get paid, etc but we both have a debit card and use them freely.  With my schedule (up at 3:30 am and to bed by 7:30 pm) I don't want to have to cook a big supper every night, so there's no way I'm going to tell him he can't spend $5.00 for lunch.  All I ask is that he bring home the debit slips so I can make sure everything gets accounted for in the check book so we don't over draw.  Large expenditures are discussed before the $ are spent.  This is common courtesy, not to mention financial responsibility.  

I can see one person controlling the $ if the other has some problem - like drugs, alcohol, total irresponsibility, etc, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.  Maybe he's giving you these sob stories to get you to feel sorry for him and buy his lunch so he doesn't have to spend his own "allowance".  

Yep, any way I look at it, he's looking for more sympathy than I can muster!!  
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518031_tn?1295578974
why me?????///.....lol
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495284_tn?1333897642
LOL!!!
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637356_tn?1301928422
I pay the bills and know what needs to go where but I also alot my husband plenty of money to run the week on and don't ask what he spends it on. He does the same with me. The bills are getting paid and we are happy.

My husband has a friend that has a wife that treats him like c r a p but he stays. We all tell him to get a divorce and move on but he won't. He is the same way everyone feel sorry for me type. I can't stand him any more and half  a s s don't blame the wife anymore. I have a feeling this guy is the same way.
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429432_tn?1343597790
I command the ship in the family even though my hubby brings in the money. We have an extremely tight budget. I take care of the bills because I'm a much better "money handler", I DO NOT tell him what to spend the rest on. I really am unusually low-maintenance when it comes to material items, so it doesn't bother me too much. Even when I was working I spent a good part of my paycheck on him. One time, when we were just dating, his car broke down out of town, and I footed the whole repair bill which left me about $8 left for gas to get to work and I brown-bagged dinner that week. Never asked him for a penny back either. If you love someone, money doesn't matter...or am I just a sucker for a handsome face???
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey!  Sorry I posted this and just now checked it.  He's 41 - and acts like he is about 20.  They have been married about 10 years, I think.  He doesn't get a kick out of us feeling sorry for him - because we made it clear that we don't - and don't understand it.  We both told him if it works for him - so be it - but we wouldn't and our husbands wouldn't be able to stand that.  

They aren't in debt (he says), of course, we can never know.  I do agree with they martyr thing - he wants to show that he LOVES his family so much he makes all of these sacrifices.   To me it's not about love - it's about respect and he doesn't see that being treated that way isn't respect.  To be embarrassed (if he actually is - which I doubt), isn't something that I want my husband to feel.....is it love to be controlled so completely???  To manipulate him into not spending ANY money during the week, so they can "spend the money on the family" but she goes out during the week.  

I don't know if maybe it's jealousy?  It's me and another lady in our office - our boss isnt' here a lot - I am the manager, so he comes to me a lot and to the other lady to find out procedures, etc., - being new, I wonder if him talking about his job, etc., she has gotten jealous.  

I don't see anything wrong with one person handling the budget - it's the scrounging for change to buy a $.60 coke out of the machine.  Today, he was so excited because he had $7 left over so he could go get something for lunch.  We all went to this little diner in town because they have a meat and three for $5.99 (it's not really that good - hence the $5.99)...  He is checking the menu adding the money up and seeing what he can get.  It's just weird!  A 41 year old professional man - having to search the menu for something he can afford for $7.00....oh, and yes, he left NO tip for the waitress....

He pretends to be such a "holy roller" - he doesn't walk the walk - just talks the talk.   Not that I agree - but somewhere, I think it says something about being the head of the household, etc. - provider to your family.  I don't know for sure, but have heard that my whole life....  ??holy roller?? ...

Also, how does that reflect to his son to see his Mother belittling his father, and controlling everything.  He mentioned that his wife went by WalMart and just bought his son a toy he had been wanting for no reason and was really excited that she did it.  I would be too, but earlier in the week, he was scrounging for money for the vending machine.  It just doesn't make sense.

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611067_tn?1279065256
My father has the same situation with my stepmother.  She does the bills and the budget and gives him so much each week to spend.  He's the one who has usually worked too. He is very careful with his money.  He gets $20 a week too - but that does not include his gas money.  Sometimes, he'll save it up so he can go on a fishing trip one day or something.  But, my stepmother handles money very well and keeps their credit in good shape and pays the bills on time.  She also saves.  He just accepts it.  He's 69 and tells me he actually doesn't mind it - he doesn't really like to spend money anyway.  

But, in my relationship, hubby and I do the budget and bills together.  We discuss everything and we both spend money when we want, but neither of us like spending money and so we don't have to worry about that.  If it's a bigger item, we always consult with each other first.

I feel badly for this guy if he really is unhappy about it - I think it's very controlling to do that without giving the other person some input.  But, it could be that he has blown money in the past and this is the only way to make him stay in line with his spending.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have decided he is a weenie.......
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