FORGIVENESS...where do you stand??

Forgiveness...where do you stand on forgiveness, what do you forgive, is there anything that you cannot forgive??? Do we have to forgive everyone in order to get forgiveness ourselves??  I have struggled with this issue for a very long time, and I have even searched on the internet for  "how to" forgive, sort of a step by step instruction guide...everyone talks about forgiveness, but, no one really tells you how to do it...any thoughts???

[margypops]

I have a hard time forgiving ill treatment to children/animals .the elderly and anyone who cant stand up for them selves..but on the whole I forgive most stuff  , I always (and I am far from a goody two shoes) try to walk in their shoes, think of how they must be feeling.what would make them do that or say that...I think you also have to dwell on the persons good points not the negative ones...Oh crumbs I do sound like a goody two shoes........

[mikesimon]

Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me to understand.
It surely doesn't mean "forget" because we do remember those acts where forgiveness would be an issue.
It doesn't mean that we trust when we forgive because most of us are reluctant to trust someone whose betrayed us - at least for a while.
When I forgive someone I chose to not think badly about them although I don't forget and I don't immediately trust them again.
So I'm not really sure how forgiveness changes the parameters or dimensions of relationships other than I will treat someone I've forgiven civilly and with kindness - but often from a distance.
Mike

[ILADVOCATE]

I would agree with what other people posted but additionally its hard to forgive someone who can see no wrong doing in themselves or even mistakes. Usually an understanding with a person after a disagreement is a two way street and I can often see where I went wrong but if the other person thinks (with everyone not just me) that they are perfect at all times then I realize they are incapable of change and just tend to move on in life and hope they will develop a better understanding later.

[April2]

I think Corrie Ten Boom says in best. If you don't mind I will copy and paste it here. Corrie Ten Boom and her family hid Jews during WWII and were captured and thrown into a concentration camp as punishment. Her father and sister died there. She was released by "mistake". You can read all about it in her book "The Hiding Place". Since her release, she gave many talks, written several books and stayed active in charity work until her death over 20 years ago. With your permission I will copy what Corrie discovered about forgiveness. I highly recommend reading any of her books. You will be inspired. Here it is:

In 1947 in a Munich church, she told a German audience that God forgives.{3} When we confess our sins, she explained, God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever. After her presentation, she recognized a man approaching her, a guard from Ravensbruck, before whom she had had to walk naked. Chilling memories flooded back.

A fine message, Fraulein! said the man. How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea! He extended his hand in greeting.

Corrie recalled, "I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me. . . But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face to face with one of my captors, and my blood seemed to freeze."

The man continued: "You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk.... I was a guard there. But since that time I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well, Fraulein." He extended his hand again. "Will you forgive me?"
Forgive Him?

Corrie stood there, unable to forgive. As anger and vengeful thoughts raged inside her, she remembered Jesus' death for this man. Of His executioners He said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing." {4}

How could she refuse? But she lacked the strength. She silently asked God to forgive her and help her forgive him. As she took his hand, she felt a healing warmth flooding her body. "I forgive you, brother!" she cried, "With all my heart."

And so, Corrie later recalled, "I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on [God's]. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."

[teko]

Forgive the person who hurt you and did wrong to you and you shall heap coals of fire upon his head.  Linda's translation of the bible here folks!  When you harbor ill feelings and refuse to forgive someone, you block god from working in that situation. This is one reason people think god did not answer there prayers.  There can be nothing between you and god when you ask him for help. Like April says if you need help forgiving, go thru the action and ask god for the feeling.

[Cherie762]

wow what a wonderful post, about forgivness, I can forgive, even my husband hes already been forgiven, the problem I have is I cant forget,,,and Ive developed this theory I believe that when someone does something wrong , it shows you what they are capable of and anything done once can be done again,

forgiving is a wonderful thing it lifts loads of pounds of heaviness of your shoulders, and we can not expect to be forgiven if we can not forgive.

[TrudieC]

Forgiveness is a healing of the soul.  When I was younger I was so angry at my parents, at my abusive ex-husband, and at an unethical ex-boss.  The wisdom of age has tought me to understand and examine the reasons and lessons from things in my past.  

Kids don't come with a manual and our parents do the best they can with what they have in tough circumstances.  I've learned that when someone is mentally ill to not take their actions and words personally.  By giving my understanding and forgiveness I have built a strong and loving relationship with my stepmother.  My father did not protect me from her but I have forgiven him as he was scared of losing what he had.  My mother abandoned me when I was young and I have forgiven her even though I do not agree with the decisions she made in her life.  Over the years I have learned why my ex-husband acted the way he did and how he learned those behaviours as well as my role in enabling them (there is no excuse for abuse but there it doesn't mean you should allow it and I did for too long).  I had years of hate for an ex-boss who cheated me from money but I now appreciate the lessons - both positive and negative that I learned in that position and it has made me a stronger business person.  

I can happily say that I have forgiven all but one person in my life and I am working on finding a reason or way to do this.  It is amazing how relaxed you are and the reduction in stress in your life that happens when you forgive and let these past issues go.

[PlateletGal]

I agree with TrudieC that forgiveness is a "healing of the soul". When you forgive someone, it isn't about them.... it is more about yourself and moving on. The person(s) that you forgive, do not need to be aware that you forgave them and it doesn't mean that you will ever speak with them again. It just means that you have realized that holding on to that anger isn't helping you in any way, so it is time to let go of that... for yourself.

[teko]

Nor should we forget. Forgiveness yes, forget it no. Who needs a do over!

[PlateletGal]

You know I was thinking about this today and how I pray for those people that we need to forgive. Obviously they are the ones who need our prayers !

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I agree with you but if someone has been abused in some manner within the law they do need to report it so it doesn't happen to others. Then they can move on in their thinking and understand that the reason the person did was because they needed help. The ultimate goal is if the way the issue is addressed the other person seeks help and understands that they were in the wrong but if they continue doing the same act to others either that's not good either. It still must stop. Its a complex area but anyone who has experienced abuse has the right to protect themselves but also the responsibility to protect others who may encounter the same person. After they've done that they are entitled to their feelings and at that point if forgiveness makes them feel at ease with what's happenned and at peace it does make sense.

[PlateletGal]

"but if someone has been abused in some manner within the law they do need to report it so it doesn't happen to others."

I agree with you 100%. Forgiveness is not excusing bad behavior (lying, abuse, etc.) We all need to be held accountable for our actions.

[Cherie762]

I have seen documentarys 20/20 and 48 hrs type shows , also a segment on Oprah once where peole have forgive the murderers of their loved ones, Once it was a woman 40 ish who forgave the manwho killed her daughter, she actually became somewhat of a mentor to him, corresponded and visited him in jail, That is alot to forgive,
I dont really personally think holding someone accountable for illegal activities is a form of non-forgivness, I think its just the right thing to do, As stated we want rapists, murders etc off the streets.

It would be great if we could let women know that our exs hit, or were abusive in other ways but of course that would require a great deal of negative energy and they wouldnt belueve us anyways.Most mean people appear to be nice at first,,,

[MJIthewriter]

I find it's easy to say I forgive anyone, but it takes a lot more work to actually do the forgiving, I mean completely no strings attached and without harboring bitter feelings and resentments...  That's where I struggle.  I can try to forgive a person, but I still find myself expecting some kind of reconciliation or apology or something… It’s much easier for me to forgive someone who is truly sorry and interested in reconciliation than someone not interested in those things.

So in effect, I gather that wouldn’t be true forgiveness.  To forgive someone without those expectations, must take divine power.

[Cherie762]

you have struggled with this for a long time, when you forgive someone, there cant really be any expectations in return because of 2 reasons, 1, its not likely to happen,,and 2, when you really really forgive someone you dont even expect that its just a walk away, the peace that you recieve is a gift from God to you, or if youd like to think of it a different way its a gift to yourself. It cleanses the mind of worries and stress, and it really does feel awsome.
Im not trying to put you down, I think you know by now that I understand you and value you, I would love you to be able to let some of your burdens go, you can not expect other people to reconcile, or apologies, I think you feel that need for self validation, and MJ your great, an artist so kind to people on here, love yourselfand others will follow , does this make any sense? hugs, from your friend, Cherie

[ChitChatNine]

In addition to all of the above, what's wonderful about forgiveness is that it is a choice one has .... totally up to you.

C~

[star641]

i cant forgive these two people who hurt me so much ,.....i know it would help me if i did but i cant !!and i never will !!!,......they dont deserve it in my eyes !,! they sit in the same house i visit at times so i make out that they are not even there !! that they are invisible to me ,!....will god turn his back on me for that ???......i am a forgiving person but i just cant forgive these two people ,.

[April2]

No one can without God's help. We don't have the strength to do it on our own. It's not for their benefit, though. It's so you can have peace and let it go. It's not forgetting. It's letting God be the judge and you just sitting back and letting it go. It's not letting it affect your life anymore, because when you do that you've given that person power over you. When you can truly let it go, they no longer have that power over you.

[teko]

Forgiveness helps the one doing the forgiving. It rids ones inner self of the demons that rule your life. It actually has very little to do with the one being forgiven. Imagine life without hurt, anger, hatred ruling your life. The person who cannot or will not forgive gives those people way to much power over them, whether they realize it or not.

[joycekatherine]

Your post to MJ was beautifully written and I have learned that forgiveness is really for me and not for those who have done me wrong.  I have forgiven most of the people in my life who have hurt me, but, I have found that some people are easy to forgive and then there are those that it seems impossible to forgive!  The hurt that they caused is so painful and so deep, it's like they have knocked your whole world off it's axis, and as much as you know, in your head, that you should forgive, your heart is broken and all these raw emotions tell your head to shut the heck up!  I had a friend of 41 years betray me and it's taken me almost 3 yrs to finally let it go, I still can't say I forgive her out loud, I say, I let it go.  My step-father sexually abused me when I was young, and forgiving that one is really tuff...for the most part I have let it go, but, letting it go may be the best I can ever do...
Star641, I can really empathize with you, I feel your pain...each forgiveness comes at it's own pace, better to say "I'm not quite there" than to fake it...I continue to ask God to help me...

[lonewolf07]

All the answers seem quite thoughtful and well thought out.  I do have a question that I might have missed in reading this thread, although April's comment about the German guard was close.  What does a group upon whom genocide has been attempted - sometimes successfully; sometimes not.  How does forgiveness fit in there.

I also find it interesting to read comments about forgiveness from those who pass judgement on others based on false information.  How can a person who judges based on untruths forgive or be forgiven?

You always ask such interesting questions  = )

[April2]

You bring up a good point, lonewolf. I think often times we are unaware of our own sins until someone points it out. In other words, often times we don't even realize if we are being judgmental towards someone and most of us would be horrified to hear someone point that out in us but sometimes we need others to see and gently show us what we may not see in ourselves. This only works usually with someone we are close to, whom we trust and who can gently do this in our best interest without any malicious meaning behind it.
I do understand. I've had people judge me based on untruths and it hurts and is unfair and our first reaction it to defend ourselves but I've had to really struggle with that to let it go and give it to God. It sure ain't easy, though!

[lonewolf07]

I also wonder how Native people "forgive" the collective wrongs that were done to us.  Blaming does no good.  Forgiveness - can there be a collective forgiveness or do each of us   as individual Native people have to "let go" of the anger.  There is a letting go ceremony among the Mohawks but I don't know if it pertains to what happened to us historically.

[Bon-Bon]

The very moment I've made my decision to forgive, that means I will not bring up the transgression that was made against me ever again to that person; nor, to any one else.  It's voided, removed from my vocabulary, as far as the east is from the west, for all of eternity.  

Having the "memory" of the transgression, the hurt, pain, etc. is the "experience" of my being on the receiving end of wrong-doing (cause and effect).

When I choose to "Forgive" another's transgression, I'm making a conscience choice not to hold it against them.  I am choosing, 'not to collect from them on that dept', so to speak on my behalf.  In other words, I have choosen to "sacrifice" all the hurt and pain.  Nonetheless, the memories, hurt and pain may linger, but, I will no longer use it against them.  

This is what I keep in mind.  It helps me considerably with the issue of forgiveness:  
When the day comes when I stand before GOD, how do I want HIM to forgive me?  Do I want Him to hash it over for awhile in his mind about all the pain I caused HIM with my horrible transgressions and go around talking to everyone HE knows about what to do about it?  Do I want HIM to think it over for a few days, months, years, eternity?  Do I want HIM to tell me HE just can't "deal" with that, it hurts too bad!!?  Do I want HIM to tell me I have to pay for what I did and after it is paid then I can get set free; but, only if it's to HIS satisfaction.  Well, all I can say, is I could never repay to HIS satisfaction for all of my own transgressions against HIM.  But, he loved me so much that HE sacraficed HIS perfect SON - Chirst Jesus, for me, all HIS hurt and pain, never bringing up (remembering) my transgressions against me again.  Leaving my transgressions as far as the east is from the west!  Is God's memory poor that HE doesn't "remember" things for long, of course not!  It means, HE will not bring it up anymore!  HIS son paid my dept in full, over and beyond, because I never had enough to pay it in full myself.  For that, I am forever and eternaly gratetful.  And it also helps "me" to remember to forgive others myself and very quickly!

Blessings and Pleasant thoughts to you.      

[star641]

thank you joyce for understanding me its nice to knoe someone out there understands me ,....as Ive said these two people not  hurt me so much but they did it after my daughter died ,...my son died before my daughter so i was hurting so much as it was
but they thought they would hurt me even more ,...im sorry but no i can never forgive them ,......im am sorry for all the pain and hurt you had through your life and i do hope
you find some peace ,.......
now my sons little jack Russell is missing more pain and hurt in my family ,
my son is so upset now ,we have looked everywhere for him ,...
i think he was robbed from my back yard ,...it is 12 pm now and my husband and my son is still looking for him ,...
i got this little dog for my son after my daughter died and he has been great compey for him ,.my son loves him to bits ,......i will ask god to help us find him for my son and i would like to ask everyone here will they do the same for my son ,......
thank you ,........

[joycekatherine]

Wolfie, I am glad you like the thread.  I like to bring up subjects that I have a problem with in hopes of being inspired by one of you.  In the Mohawk ceremony for letting go, I would think that it covers All areas of letting go of anything that is throwing your harmony off, upsetting the balance between you, God and nature and perhaps, dirtying up your essence or soul...just my thoughts...

MJ, ahhhhhh, another kindred spirit...you took the words right out of my mouth!!

April, I appreciate your thoughts on forgiveness and while there are some who never see the bad in themselves, most of us, who truly get down and dirty honest, even if it is just within ourselves, know when we have done or said something wrong or hurtful to someone else...

Teko, couldn't have said it better myself...loved your interpretation!

Bon Bon, I am very happy for you, that you have conquered forgiveness so well...Blessing right back atcha & thank you

Star641, of course, you have our prayers, many of us are parents and also are animal lovers....and again, I understand your being unable to fully forgive, I am in the same boat, but, because God is forgiving, I think he will forgive us for our human failings and maybe someday we will both be able to let it all go and know the peace of forgiving.  I do believe that forgiveness is truly for our sakes,but, for some, it just gets all jumbled up with all the hurt and pain and we can't see our way out of it!  If you can, when you speak about your hurt feelings, try to say, "I can't forgive them....Yet."
Just allowing the possibility, of complete forgiveness, to roll around in your thoughts and become something familiar...I find it helps me to do that...in the meantime, I understand...

[star641]

thanks i will  say i cant forgive them ..not yet !!,...but you never know some day i might
oh! did i just say that ,.;)....thanks again joycekatherine,.,.....

[MJIthewriter]

Thanks Cherie762, and others. Maybe it's a process. I'm not quite there yet, but overall feel better and less bothered than I did a while ago. Part of it is I am a very sensitive person.  I may not even think about things all the time, but a trigger thought occurs then I may feel upset all of a sudden. It can be little things that weren't intentional or it can be any time I have to deal with rudeness, intentional or not. Dealing with rudeness is one of my struggles. I guess we each cope with it differently. I tend to take it inward.

Forgiving rude people is something that I need help with. Just knowing that we all make mistakes, and we all appear rude to someone or another at some time, doesn't seem to change the emotion I may feel in a period of upset. On a more positive note I like to believe whatever wisdom" or "wise" thoughts that come out of each event helps prepare us for future upsets.

I guess out of it I'm learning I can speak more openly when I am offended. That doesn't mean insulting whoever, but just saying that I find whatever stated as hurtful and offensive at the time it's spoken. If I can remember to say that right off the bat, rather than incubating or playing "passivly nice" (by denying the upset emotions to prevent conflict), maybe I can head off future unintended upsets and overall making things easier for myself to move on. Self forgiveness is also hard for me. I tend to beat myself over the head for not speaking up at times I should, or vise vera, speaking up at times I should have kept my mouth shut....

[mami1323]

Wow, what a great post.  I especially liked what Bon-Bon said that forgiving someone is not using their wrongs against them.  I still struggle with that.  Especially during arguments, I throw them out like darts hitting a dart board.  I'm slowly learning to conquer that problem.  I think I'm learning to forgive, it's been a very long and tough road trying to get to this point.  I feel more relaxed though and that constant lump in my throat no longer exists.  It's very peaceful.  We cannot control other people but we can control ourselves and that means our actions and our thoughts.

[joycekatherine]

"thanks i will  say i cant forgive them ..not yet !!,...but you never know some day i might
oh! did i just say that ,.;)....thanks again joycekatherine,.,..... "

That is so awesome and such a big step to take, to say that someday you might!!!  Never say never, always keep your mind and heart open, and someday you may just surprise yourself!! Consider it, a work in progress...that's what I am trying to do too, and I have forgiven several people already and I can tell you from my own experience, it is like being set free...every tension in your body literally flows right out...people call it forgiveness, but, it is really, letting it go...for me it is easier to think of it that way, forgiveness sounds too much like I am condoning people's horrible behavior, but, to say "I'm letting it go." is easier for me to swallow and I don't think it really matters what we call it!  Good for you!!  I am sending positive vibes and good wishes your way...let me know how it progresses for you...;) j

[margypops]

Did stars puppy turn up..anyone know maybe I will check her profile.

[Melissa0116]

Forgiveness is a way for you to move on and to realize that what they may have done will not prevent you from having a wonderful and bountiful life.  Forgiveness does not have to be asked by the person that wronged you.  They may never think they did anything wrong but by you forgiving what they did (you do not have to let them know you forgave them);  will give you some peace of mind.  Now, It is extremely difficult to forget what was done.  Forgetting is the hard part.  I will give a true example of someone that does not forgive someone and what their life is like:

My mother is someone that has not forgiven many people for what they did to her.  Her father was not a good man, but when he was on his deathbed she refused to forgive him for what he had done 35 years ago.  She was revengeful and always wanted to see bad things happen to him.  We'll he died and she still did not forgive him.  She is a very hateful and manipulative person and since she never let go of her past she still harbors those hateful feelings.  Not only to her father but to anyone that says or does anything to her that she does not agree with.  This is a terrible way to live and I hope and pray that one day she will realize that she will never be happy unless she lets go of her anger through forgiveness.  

Another example is:

My sister in law;  she hates me right now since she had a misscarriage two years ago and has been trying to have a baby with no success.  She will not even come around me or speak to me since I am pregnant.  Now, I did not get pregnant to **** her off.  I did not expect to be pregnant at all.  But, she has never forgiven the Lord for her misscarriage and she hold this inside and continues to distance herself from anyone in the family that has babies.   She did the same thing with my husbands cousin, when she had a baby.  She continues to be disrespectful and rude about our gift.  I am afraid to be around her for fear that she will be revengeful.  She is so full of hate that no one knows what she would do.  So, the best thing is to stay away from her.  But, I totally forgive her for being hateful to me since I do not understand what she is going through.  

But, forgiveness can be done but you do not have to associate with them.  You need to pray for them and hope some day that they will change.  People do change for the better and can surprise you.  And, also some will not change at all or for the worse.  But, at least you know that you forgave them for what they did to you and can now move on.  

I have been reading a book called "A More Excellent Way" by Henry W. Wright and what he says makes a lot of sense:

"You don't have to carry someone else's sin inside of you.  That's their sin.  God will be their judge.  Your job is to release them, get back before God, get your heart right with God, then keep on moving.  Your freedom does not depend on their resolution---it depends on your resolution."

"When you forgive others, you are not letting them off the hook but giving them to God, still wiggling on the hook.  You are now off the hook."  

"When you forgive someone, you continue to hate their sin, but you are commanded to love them.  To forgive, you don't have to condone their sin."


I hope that this all makes some kind of sense and helps for us all to understand what forgiveness really does.  God bless you all!  Very Very good question and discussion.  Thanks JoyceKatherine.

[April2]

margypops, yes, star's puppy came home and is safe and sound! It's a definite praise report!

[MJIthewriter]

I like your post. I agree. That's where I hope to get to eventually.

[Melissa0116]

Thanks, MJ.  It is difficult to get to that point and a constant struggle, but is very important for each and everyone of us to reach.  See, my mom did not forgive her father but I did forgive him and that is where I have peace.  I knew that it did not matter what he thought it was about reaching the conclusion that I can not waste the time on his problems and issues but needed to reach a point of forgiveness for myself.  I really think that forgiveness is a process and in order to reach this you must realize that what they did was not your fault, recognize that they are wrong, and repent our sin for not being faithful to what the Lord had did for us.  He died for our sins and the one thing we are required to do is to forgive the person and ask for the Lords help. That cannot possibly be as hard as dying and showing that he forgave us all for what we all do to dishonor him.  We must realize that each and every one of us sins in life and what if our family or friends never forgave us for those.  We obviously would be very lonely.  

It is extremely hard but definitely attainable.  I do have problems with forgiveness when it comes to molestation, murder, rape, and racial violence.  So, this is a struggle for me as well but I am realizing more and more that people can really surprise you and totally amaze you.  God has a way of bringing the good out of people if they choose to.

[SassyLassie]

It can be so very hard to forgive at times, I know it is for me, but our Lord says in the bible, that unless we forgive others, we will NOT be forgiven by HIM, he will also not answer our prayers. The Reverend Charles Stanley has given some great sermons on forgiveness and they make good sense. Forgiveness not only keeps the path open to God for our prayers, but, it is healthy too. When we forgive, we no longer are uptight and hating the other person, we are at peace with ourselves. Actually, forgiveness is more for us than the other person as it releases all bad feelings and leaves us free to love and be healed. If you harbor unforgiveness, there is a place in your heart that has unrest and this in turn can cause unrest in your entire being. The Lord commands us to forgive, like it says in the "Lords Prayer" Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" So, what we are saying is "Lord forgive me as I forgive others" Well, if we don't forgive others, how can He forgive us?

I know it is really difficult to forgive some people, but, we must, and we must keep asking the Lord for His strength to do so. After all, if He can forgive us for all our sins, then who are we to not forgive others. Like I said however, this is an area that must be worked on, at least for me, but, I am getting better.

[ILADVOCATE]

I agree with everyone else's posts here but it also works the other way. I can't forgive myself if I accept that life will never improve and nothing could be done about it. I do slip into that mindset at times and I think of my priorities. There's no point in seeking retaliatory action against those who have done wrong to you but seeking the betterment of others and justice as a whole is worthwhile and when I think of myself as a bystander to other people's suffering then I cannot accept that mindset I have descended into and have to seriously rethink priorities and then act on them.

[peggy64]

That was beautifully put. I have never thought of that before,(God rehashing). Thank you for posting that.

[Barb135]

For myself, I've discovered that anger and holding a grudge is so very counter productive; and takes too much of MY precious energy.  

I've had instances where people, yes, family members, have hurt me unbelievably simply because of their desire to be a "hot shot" or "the boss", "the most important one" or however, you might find to put it.  I think the worst was my oldest brother and he was being a total jerk; not only to me, but to other family members as well, and then turned around and tried to tell me HE did nothing wrong. What made it even more hurtful and disgusting was the fact that his inappropriate behavior took place when our step dad died and we were all hurting terribly anyway; then to have him add insult to injury.   But he's always been a "know it all" and one to try to justify his actions, when there is no justification.  

The idea is to put the hurtful behavior behind you and move on.  *I* barely have enough energy as it is to make it through my days - I can't afford to "spend" it on people anger and hurt.  

I'm not even sure if that qualifies as "forgiveness".  I've prayed for God to give me the strength to let it go and for the most part I don't think about it much at all, except when something comes up that really brings it to the front of my mind.  

I rarely forget what happened when people hurt me, but neither do I dwell on it.  I can be around people who have hurt me, but I generally do not trust them again, nor do I let my guard down around them.  

I think we each have our own definition of forgiveness and our own methods of achieving it.......  

[twehner5]

Better late to this thread than never?  I *had* been keeping up with all the VERY insightful comments on here, but lost track of them and don't have time now to read them all.

Was it you, Joycekatherine, who said you have taken conscious, deliberate steps to forgive those who have hurt you?  I think it was you.....

I remember MANY years ago realizing that I was hurt/mad at someone who had hurt my parents TERRIBLY.  I held onto this hurt for I don't know how many years, but this person didn't know it.  It became deep bitterness.  I was convicted to forgive this person.  I had taken up offense....for my parents.

I went to his house and knocked on the door and he and his wife invited me in.  They had known me as a little child and now I was a married woman.  I explained why I was there.  It was very awkward, because I was SO conscious/convicted that I was NOT to sound like I was actually there to dredge up what he had in fact done to my father especially.  As it turned out, I worried for nothing.

I was Divinely given the words to speak.  I knew I would be if I was obedient to go there and apologize.  It was a beautiful meeting.  Recently, when this man died of Parkinson's, I truly mourned.  It was THEN that I knew that I had truly forgiven him.  I had been asking the Lord all this time if I had.