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FUN-DAY FRIDAY -GIVE US A SMILE HERE!!!!!!!!!!
so it;s friday and we could all do with a laugh to get us going for the weekend
so throw your joke or one liner here or whatever best chat line u heard etc have fun!!!
i'll start
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
so throw your joke or one liner here or whatever best chat line u heard etc have fun!!!
i'll start
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel
became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.
And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."
Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.
And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."
Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept .
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)
True story-- my husband had a client one time with the first name Doofus....My husband said he had to get his laughter out before he met him to go on an estimate.. hehe So he drove the hour and 10 minutes to this guys house and after he laughed his fanny off thinking to himself how he would introduce himself and how he would know for sure it was Doofus that answered the door, he walked up and the guy comes to the door and the first thing he says is.. Sorry I'm such a ditz, I should have given you my address instead of my brothers..... AHAHAHA!! My husband told him it was okay, he could follow him there if he would like.. They drove about 5 minutes from where our other house in Columbus is!! They did the estimate and my husband got the job. Then after he had been working there for a while (he is a contractor who specializes in Bathroom remodels) they began to get to know eachother a lot better and would occasionally go out to lunch together and talk and have a good time. I'm not sure how names came up but this guys wife starts talking to my husband about the first time she took Doofus to meet her parents. Mom, Dad, this is Doofus. Her dad's response.. No seriously, what's your name? Doofus!.. Seriously.. what is your real first name?.. Seriously.. it isn't really Doofus is it? The guy was like yes it is! Her dad said.. Boy I bet there have been lots of times you wanted to just slap your parents for giving you that name didn't ya?...
Could you imagine!!!!!
I am in no way making fun of the name Doofus.. just sharing a story.. that obviously the guy and his wife think is funny enough that they tell others about it to get a laugh.
Could you imagine!!!!!
I am in no way making fun of the name Doofus.. just sharing a story.. that obviously the guy and his wife think is funny enough that they tell others about it to get a laugh.
From my favorite, George Carlin.
Speaking of funny names, do you realize Howdy Doody's mother and father are known as the Doodys? And Bo Diddley's parents are the Diddleys? How would you like to be at a party and have to introduce the Doodys to the Diddleys? And keep a straight face? "Mr. and Mrs. Doody, I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Diddley. Mr Doody, Mr. Diddley;, Mrs. Diddley, Mrs. Doody; Mr. Doody, Mrs. Diddley; Mr. Diddley, Mrs. Doody. The Doodys, the Diddleys, the Diddleys, the Doodys" Geesh!
Then, just as you finishall of that, in walks Bo Diddley's brother, Dudley Diddley, and his sister's Dottie Diddley, Dodie Diddley, and Didi Diddley. And Howdy Doody's sisters, Judy Doody and Trudy Doody. I'd never get through it all. I'd be leaning over the punchbowl thinking, "Please don't let Rootie Kazootie show up!"
Speaking of funny names, do you realize Howdy Doody's mother and father are known as the Doodys? And Bo Diddley's parents are the Diddleys? How would you like to be at a party and have to introduce the Doodys to the Diddleys? And keep a straight face? "Mr. and Mrs. Doody, I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Diddley. Mr Doody, Mr. Diddley;, Mrs. Diddley, Mrs. Doody; Mr. Doody, Mrs. Diddley; Mr. Diddley, Mrs. Doody. The Doodys, the Diddleys, the Diddleys, the Doodys" Geesh!
Then, just as you finishall of that, in walks Bo Diddley's brother, Dudley Diddley, and his sister's Dottie Diddley, Dodie Diddley, and Didi Diddley. And Howdy Doody's sisters, Judy Doody and Trudy Doody. I'd never get through it all. I'd be leaning over the punchbowl thinking, "Please don't let Rootie Kazootie show up!"
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?' The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The Grandmother said, 'No, I 'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me $hit.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The Grandmother said, 'No, I 'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me $hit.'
oops.. it wouldn't let me say.. D i c k..lol maybe I should have said Richard... ahahaha
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, **** Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...
You could have called instead?"
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid!"
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner...
You could have called instead?"
a man walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm, his wife was doing the dishes and the man said "here i want u to see the pig i have been nailing for the last 8 yrs.." the wife said "honey that isnt a pig thats a duck" the husband looked at his wife and said" who said i was talking to you?"
I cannot tell or recall even one joke but wanted to say Happy Fun Friday ... keep posting away!
C~
C~
I liked this one:
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Walmart and was
standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
en
thralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid woman..........why else would I buy dog food???
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Walmart and was
standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
en
thralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid woman..........why else would I buy dog food???
A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chilli she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea. Being a gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she farted loudly and quickly opened the window and began fanning. She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"
One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"
She said "Yes."
"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"
She said "Yes."
"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't," he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.
What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't," he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
