Problem With My Dad

[Cherie762]

My dad lives in Florida, Im in MI, usually I fly down in Feburary to visit we share a birthday (FEB 7) My dad is a really bad alchoholic, he has bladder cancer , and stage 1 altzimers, hes remarried, I get along ok with step mom, my question

last year I had a miserable time visiting, his drinking is out of control and the 11  days I was there we actually talked perhaps 2 hours.
Hes not doing well, and I dont know how much longer he will be coherent, Im torn part of me thinks and wants to go visit this year and part of me doesnt want to go and be upset by him.
step mom and I usually do a few fun things together, but I feel sickened by Dads drinking, should I go this year?

[Cherie762]

I try the combo of alztimers with alcholic is quite interesting, hes very set into a schedule of drinking and watching tv, sports and judge shows, he doesnt like to talk while watching tv, he wont leave the house.But just being there in the same room is the best I can do atleast Im trying. I think hes pretty far gone mentally, his bladder cancer is under control it will not be his cause of death, we just have to deal with the hand we are given in life right, atleast I broke the cycle, neither me nor my sister drink because of him I absolutley hate booze.

[Tuckamore]

You made the right decision. Sometime tells me you knew what that was before you asked us. You will not regard going even if you have a terrible time with him.  It's time you would have missed. No matter what he is, he is still your father. Don't forget to tell him you love him and relive and share the "good" memories with him that the two of you created. You won't regret it.

[Cherie762]

I understand exactly what your saying, no offense at all, your so right soon it will be the lights are on but no ones home I dread that day. I want to try to appreciate the good in him while I can.

[LLWB]

I too am glad you decided to go. It is important for you, and for your Dad. My mother also was an alcoholic, and died of complications of Alzheimers. I prayed for her passing at the end, as she did not recognize me, my brother, or her husband of 50years. That was not my mother, just an empty shell. I thought I was ready for her passing. But I was not. And you can imagine the guilt at first. But God allowed me to see that it wasn't wrong to wish for her to be in a better place. We all have our faults. We have to love one another and accept the bad with the good. You may have your Dad's physical body for many years, but with the advance of Alz, you don't know how long the thing that makes your Dad your Dad will be there, and it is heart wrenching to visit a person who doesn't know you. Just do the best you can now, he knows drinking is wrong, but I'm sure he is so scared about his multiple health issues that it is a way for him to hide. None of us know what we would do in the same situation. Just love him, and show that love by going to see him. I would pour my Mom a drink today, just to have her back again for one hour.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say, and that I didn't offend you. Best wishes for a good trip.

[kitty51]

My opinion for what its worth,I would say go,you dont have to stay there long,cos if you dont regret lasts a long time.If ya love ya dad regardless of his drinking and hes been a good dad when you younger by all means go.But if he was a lousy dad dont go out of obligation.Now only you know this so good luck and let us know what you decide.

[HelpinUtah]

I'm so glad you are going sweetie!  You'll be glad you did and will have no regrets when he is gone!  Good for you!!!  :)

[mommy52]

Glad you decided to go.. You didn't mention if your Dad's cancer is in remission or if ot is active. How long, if you can remember has your Dad had the drinking problem? When you visit, maybe you can in conversation, bring up times you remember that were happy and no drinking (if there were any). My Dad walked out on us when I was 6., or that's what my Mom said. We mended our relationship when I was 16. It was always rocky though.We lived close. I would visit at least weekly. Sometimes they were pleasant and some not. He had quit drinking I guess when I was about 15. He never liked to talk about those days. I finally told him one Christmas when he was drunk and called me. I told him when he sobered, that It made me sad whe I saw and heard him like this, but my love was unconditional for him.I guess it's hard for me to express my words, but what I guess I am wamtimg to say and I think all have said, Make the best of each moment you have with your Dad and all you love. We never know how long we all will have together. Someone  told me after my son died, "At least you knew he was dying." Yes I did. I watch for 9 wretching years --watched as he slowly died before my eyes and nothing we did or MD did could stop, just slow the disease. During those years I learned and vowed I would try to live each day as if it was my last day. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this.Visit your Dad. Share memories and pictures if possible. Take him for a drive. If he can recall, allow him to tell you things about the area. Spend time together. Nothing will replace those memories you will build. I learned that even in bad times I was still able to make and find maybe just the smallest of a good memory and be able to smile.Laugh and smile with your Dad. Sorry for the length. If you have read any of my comments, you know I am a motor mouth. When I respond, I am almost ashamed to admit that I think I am helping myself more. If one person reading this recieves a glimmer of hope or even a smile--Well that's what we are here for. Right? Love you all for allowing me you motor.  Lave ya and Blesings to each.   Madlyn

[April2]

I've been around enough alcoholics to see how it really does imprison people. It's sad, really. Maybe you could look past his weaknesses and see something in there that has caused him to make these poor choices. Maybe you might see a lonely, frightened, insecure man. If there's any way you can look past the addictions and diseases and remember the good in him then you can focus on that.
I'm not saying it will be easy but maybe if you really try you can see past all of that.
I'm also not suggesting that you condone his behavior but maybe you could reach him somehow while you are down there. You never know. Miracles happen.

[Cherie762]

thanks all, I asked this so in advance because I have an opportunity to get flight really cheap if I buy soon, I was seriously thinking of not going, you all helped me to see that even if its not the best of time, he is the only Dad I got so Im gonna buy the ticket but, its going to be a 5 day visit, thank you all very much this was a tough choice, its one of those things you dont want to do but know you should, if he wasnt such a serious alcoholic there would be no problem.

[swampcritter]

Shorten your visits, but start going more frequently, since you never know when you last visit will be.

[VicUser]

I would give most anything to have just 10 more minutes with my Dad, please go see him.

[margypops]

Bite the bullet and go cherie you will be glad you did so,I am a person as the above post said who has to live with regrets regarding not seeing my mom enough before she passed on. , perhaps you can read to him instead of talking , good you get on with your stepmom.

[1nana]

It's so hard to have to live with regrets.

Don't put yourself through that.

[dominosarah]

I would go and visit also.  The guilt you will feel by not going will be more painful than anything.  I wish you the best.         sara

[crabby70]

I would go visit....I agree he is sick....If you don't I think you will regret it.....

[jollyman069]

cheri.. i lost my mom lasst  february...go visit him april is correct

[April2]

Wow, that is tough. I'd say go and visit your dad. Like you said, you don't know how much longer he will be around.
Maybe you could shorten your visit though? Try and be patient and overlook his faults. He's a sick man. I know it's challenging but I don't think you'll regret it.
Best wishes,
April