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A man's prospective on porn
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A man's prospective on porn

hi guys, I'm a 31 year old married woman. I've had 2 children and have done my best to keep in decent shape for my husband. I'm actually back into working out heavy again. I'll be honest, I am not comfortable standing around naked in front of my husband, so i don't.He always tells me he loves me, that I'm beatiful and I'm his best friend. We still have sex regularly and I honestly thought he loved me very much. We've always had an understanding, or so I thought, that porn was not something that he would ever get into..no strip clubs, no cheating of course.  Well, for his job I made the mistake of buying him a PDA with web access. We couldn't really afford it but I bought it. Now, of course, I know many many guys look at porn. I don't get it, but I know it happens. Yesterday I discovered a bunch of links in his history that confirmed my belief that yes, my husband it doing it too. I cannot tell you the pain I am feeling in my heart today, not just that he's looking at it and masturbating to it, but because of the oscar-worthy performance he put on for several hours insisting that it wasn't his when I confronted him. I feel like this is a huge violation of my trust, but I don't know if I truly should feel so hurt and devalued because he likes fantasizing about these other women. It makes me so sad, and I really would just like a mans' perspective on what this means for me, about me.etc. He says he will stop, that he only does it "occasionally". I always thought he was attracted to me, and now i am destroyed. Should I be? I can't understand a man's mind. Please, I'm really struggling. I'm terrified that my marriage is over. I've read so many stories of addiction and I have no clue how deep this really goes. So some guys just occasionally do it?  I hope someone can shed some light...
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7 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
hey, im only 19, so probably not the best person to answer your question, but i think lots of guys watch porn every now and then. when your married though.. i couldnt really say if its normal to go on porn, but i wouldnt worry about it unless he does it a lot or does it when you're around him regularly.
i mean, if he goes away for a few days or something, then i think it's normal to go on porn
i mean.. chandler did it didnt he? when he was married to (or in a relationship with) monica
it just depends on the circumstances i guess
sry if this is a bit inconclusive, but hope it helps a bit
feel free to comment back
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Avatar_m_tn
Whether you see it as a violation of trust depends on your own relationship but i can tell you that the majority of men look at porn/masturbate whether they're married or not.  A lot of women masturbate too and I bet they're not all thinking about their husband when they do it.

It doesn't mean he finds you any less attractive.  It's just something guys do.

I think you may be worried because you had an ideal of him which has now been shattered and are worrying about what else he gets up to that you might not have expected him to.  Don't worry.  Watching porn does not a cheater make.  My friends all love their wives/girlfriends dearly and would never ever cheat on them but to a man they like a little alone time to watch porn.

Too much of anything is never good but if he's not watching anything dodgy and it isn't affecting your sex life then just treat it as a piece of harmles fantasy.

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Avatar_n_tn
I do look at porn about once or twice a week. My fiancé found it on my computer a while ago, and we talked about it. She basically said that she was okay with me doing it as long as it didn't interfere with what I need to do or with our life. She fantasizes about other men sometimes when she dreams or daydreams. Men tend to be more visual then women, so men are usually more stimulated with pictures and movies than with mental fantasies. I doubt he has any emotional desires for any of the porn women.
I love my fiancé much. She hasn't liked being naked in front of me for most of our relationship (when we started going out she weighed 205 lbs, and she's only 5 feet tall.) We usually have quite a bit of sex and I think she is absolutely beautiful. Sometimes I get really horny and she is not there, or really does not want to have sex, so I look at porn. Most guys feel really bad when they do it because we so often say we don't, especially to you. We know you don't like yourself already and don't want you to feel any worse. I think your husband should have admitted to it if he really is (which he probably is, it's really common, even among married couples - I've talked to guys about this.) Even still, with how you were probably reacting, don't you think it was terrifying for him that you knows he looks at porn? I would personally recommend that you talk to him, emphasize how much you love him, and that you do not want to leave him. If you get mad at him and maintain that it's all his fault, your marriage will fall apart. If he gets mad at you and maintains that it's all your fault, your marriage will fall apart. It goes both ways. If you can respectfully talk to him about it and come to an understanding of eachother then your marriage will get better. Being open and honest with each other does wonders for love. If your not in the habit of doing that with each other then it will take some time and practice, and if you understand that, then that's ok.
I sincerely wish you two the best of luck. I think it is a good sign for your marriage that you are trying to get some advice on this.
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Avatar_n_tn
I really appreciate all of your perspectives on this. I wish i could understand it though. In my world if I was fantasizing about other men it would mean that I was did not desire what I had. I know guys don't understand how it can truly damage how a woman feels about herself to realize he's fantasizing about other women. You're right, my ideal of my husband has been shattered...I really (sadly) thought I married someone who was not like "other guys". I truly don't believe there's anything wrong with men but I really thought the one i had was a little different, that what we have is a little more special. I guess that's pretty arrogant of me, but my husband didn't do anything to discourage me from thinking that. It's hard for me, it just makes me feel ugly and sad, but I do truly appreciate you guys telling me that he may not see me that way. I feel like I can't trust his word right now so it helps to hear it from someone that has no reason to lie about it. Trust me, this whole thing is causing me to analyze some things that I am not doing right too and need to change. Thanks for your help.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have not something really different to add, but here it is. I am in the same situation. I am pretty much certain that my wife knows that I look occasionally at porn and I am also almost certain that she does it or did it in the past. We do not talk about this, it is something like a silent agreement.

However, I love her like nothing else in this world. And I would not cheat on her even if I was paid for that. You know, for me and probably for many other men, watching porn is just satisfying some fantasy. There is also something from the forbidden in it. It does not means that we are ready to go with any female crossing our path. There is some non trivial distance between watching porn and actually "doing it" with some other woman. Please keep this well in mind and think twice, thrice etc. before put your marriage at risk and ruin it all.

The fantasy I talk about is just about the act, not the persons. So no need to take this personally and feel bad about you and him or think that this is the end. This is at least how it works on me; I don't know about your husband but it is probably true for him too.

Be open-minded and try to understand the male nature of your husband is my advice; it is not worth to ruin an otherwise successful marriage just for that. Especially when it is most probably completely harmless.
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222282_tn?1210168539
i am a woman and i do not have a problem with porn , i brought some for my husband ! men have urges every day and its unheathty to supress them and id rarther him look at porn than be off somewhere else ! its only a picture ,and its your bed he comes home too , you need to accept that it normal for a man to need to relese himself as you would be back here complaining he wants sex 3 times a day ! bless them men x x
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365850_tn?1207700206
Marra315 has a very healthy opinion concerning this matter; it's refreshing.  Different people have different opinions about pornography.  For instance, my mother was EXTREMELY against it when I was younger, and I think some bad things happened to me as a result.  Luckily I'm OK!  ;-)

Two things to bear in mind are:

1) Love (the sex OF love) and instant gratification (masturbation/lust) are two separate things entirely.  A man may masturbate at a picture of a woman whose conversation would incite nausea.  It is a passing thing, and often necessary to get out of the way.

2) As long as it does not disrupt your relationship in any other way, then there's nothing to worry about.  So long as it does not get "out of hand" if you know what I mean.  ;-)

I thought there was something else, but I guess I forgot... maybe it will come back to me.
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