Anxiety and erections: How to relax and enjoy what's happening?
When I make love with my girlfriend, I worry about losing my erection, and sometimes this worry seems to cause it to happen for real. This is very frustrating, because I don't want to worry about it, and when the thought enters my head, I get upset that it entered my head, and I get worried about the whole thing all over again. Then once I realize I'm doing this, I try to focus on the lovemaking, telling myself, "Just enjoy it, it feels good, and you're close to her," but of course in the back of my mind (and maybe the front too) I'm worried about losing my erection. And then it happens.
This has been happening for years now, actually. It doesn't happen every time at all, but I worry about it enough that it has ended up sticking around. I don't want it to happen between my girlfriend and I, because she is very special to me. I love her very much, and I believe she is the person I want to marry (and I have never gone off "half-cocked" on that decision, so to speak ;-). She and I talked about this this weekend, and I noticed that I was avoiding telling her that this has happened between me and other people I've been with as well, and so I just told her, and she felt much better -- she smiled and was very accepting, because she realized that it really isn't because of her, or that I'm not comfortable with her or something. We even joked around about it while we made love after that, because it really isn't a big deal; it's just nerves, and I know it will go away.
But what I want to know is, do you have any tips? Please let me know.
I should mention that, specifically, my fear feels like, "I don't want to let her down" or "I don't want to be ashamed." The fear that, if it happens, it will be upsetting. I feel like I'm going about this completely the wrong way. I feel like I'm paying too much negative attention to this issue. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable! I want to get back to that point.
Sounds totally psychological to me, perhaps visiting a sex therapist or even a regular therapist would help you. Good luck, you're so lucky you've found someone you're so happy with. She sounds very supportive, I'm sure you two will figure this out. Best of luck :)
You are right, your biggest sex organ is your BRAIN. Your negative thoughts can account for your issues and cause your erectile dysfuntion. I would see a therapist or get some books on it that might be of help. If you can get those negative thoughts under control your problem will probably disappear. My husband went through a similar problem that he was able to overcome with meditation and positive thinking Maybe if you discuss this with your loved one she can help build your confidence too. It really can be a case of "all in your mind" for many men. You might want to see your doctor and make sure there isn't a physical reason but it sounds like you already know this is a thought process issue. Good luck, it can and will get better.
What you describe is actually pretty common, particularly when you're with someone who is important to you.
I agree that seeing a sex therapist would be a great idea. In the meantime, I'd also suggest reading "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. He discusses this and other related guy issues (rapid ejaculation, etc.) at length. Mostly, he advocates very slow, relaxed, non-genitally focused sex: lots of massage, oral, touching, etc. That not only alleviates the anxiety you feel about getting/keeping an erection, but results in spectacularly sensual and deeply erotic sex that both of you will love ;-)
I had the same problem for quite a while through out my late 20's, and it seemed like it would last forever. Part of it came from being in a past relationship where my partner was extremely rough on any sort of penile disfunction.(Would get extremely dissapointed and take it personally) And part stemmed from a lack of confidence on my part that built and built everytime the problem occured.
It really helps to have an open dialogue with an understanding sexual partner that won't take this problem personally. There are a few tricks that helped me, and you might find them useful.
1. When an anxiety attack occures and the little trooper retretes from battle: Don't panic, it will be back. Relax and try some simply cuddling or spooning for a while. This usually will get it back into shape. Of course, a lot of it depends on your partner, and her willingness to avoid dissapointment, and enjoy some playful cuddling for a while. These things happen to everyone, and it helps if both of you can keep that in context.
2. When you start to panic, concentrate on the taste of her lips and skin. This can get your mind out of the tailspin and back into the ballgame in a hurry. (VERY HELPFULL!!!)
3. No more porn. I know most people believe that porn can facilitate a healthy sex life. But current psychological studies show that it almost always has a negitive long-term effect on an individual's sex life. I'm not saying don't masterbate, I love doing that sort of thing, just that it is better to use your immagination for a while. Porn pushes your arousal buttons for you, and your brain starts to get lazy. Get used to arousing yourself by using your immagination. Your partner will look hotter and hotter to you, and you will also have a much easier time gaining and maintaining erections during intercourse.
4. Slow down. It is good to remember that you don't have to be SUPERMAN every time you have sex. Sometimes it will be mind-blowing (no pun intended) and sometimes it is medeocre. But if you didn't have the so-so sex, the great sex wouldn't be as powerful or memorable. Just remember to take it slow, enjoy the way her hands feel on your body, and the way your's feel on hers. And remember that the actual penetration is great, but it is much better if you have had plenty of time to warm each other up first. (playfullness is fantastic) It took me a long time to figure out and accept this.
5. It won't last forever. Back when I was having this problem regularly, I thought it would never end. I thought that I would be a disfunctional reck forever. But now I am in my 30's, and I couldn't have a fuller sex life. These days it's much harder keeping it down than it is keeping it up. So, don't panic. It's normal and it happens to many men in there 20's.
Good luck, I know how horrable this can feel. But it won't last forever, and can be helped by trying some of the tricks above. Someday you might look back on this and laugh.
P.S. A book I found extremely helpful was "The Multi-Orgasmic Male" Think of it as your personal Ninja guide to sex.
Problems with erectile dysfunrtioning have occured to many guys since the beginning of creation.Ask Adam and he will tell you the same thing.It all has to do with the inputs you send to the brain.the brain then processes it and give you the corresponding feedback.if you're not anxious to loose your erection during sex you will maintain it until you ejaculate.Once you ejaculate the brain stops sending blood to that portion of the body.this allows you time to cuddle your partner.Erection recurs when you want to go for a second round.
Just maintain a positive mental attitude and a bucket full of water can even hang on your erected pennis for a long time.
Have a great sex.
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