Bothered by wifes sexual past

[j7653]

I'm 41, I've been married to my wife for 10 years, dated her for 4 years before that.  Recently we went thru difficult period together and I thought it might end in divorce.  We seem to be getting back on track but I cannot seem to get over some new things that I learned about her sexual past.  She lied to me about the number of partners she had before we met (cut the number in half really) and also the types of experiences she had.

I know that it is so long ago that it shouldnt matter, and obviously I cannot change the past, but I continue to find myself bothered by what I have found out and dont seem to be able to let it go and just get over it.  It is affecting our relationship.

Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated.

[mami1323]

I'm going to go into this answer with some personal experience.  My mistake may allow you to understand your wife.  At the beginning of my relationship with my fiance I had shared a little too much detail about my sexual history.  In the beginning it's all fun and games.  When feelings came into play he started getting angry about my past.  It wasn't even that colorful.  One day he found my diary and read it and was so hurt by my fling and by my past that still to this day 6 years later he gets upset at the thought.  No one wants to know that the person they love has had a past.  We don't want to picture them being intimate with anyone else.  So your wife lied to spare your feelings and so you won't judge her.  I know my fiance made me feel ashamed for my past, which I shouldn't because I never hurt anyone, I never cheated on anyone and so therefore, it was just my life experiences.  To him, I was pure and knowing that I had a fling in Cancun (the one that hurt hearing about the most) made me unpure.  But I love him and I'm with him and he's the best I've ever been with.  I'm sure your wife feels the same way.  Trust me, if a man is bad in bed the woman will be out the door but your wife has been with you for 14 years.  So it really didn't have much to do with me but with my fiance's insecurities.  Meanwhile he's got so many sexual partners that I probably can't even count.  I never really wanted to know.  Stop letting it control you and be happy with your wife.

[Scorpio74]

You may never see this comment since you last responded in 2009, but just know your feedback in here help me tremendously - hearing a woman's side gives me another perspective, and also makes me feel like I am not unusual for having the feelings I have had.  I hate admitting that I made my wife feel ashamed about her past - part of me feels like I did it intentionally - and oddly enough the issues I feel most sick over are a couple mistakes she made in high school.  She had 4 partners before me, but it might as well be 44...I feel so petty and small for even caring about it, yet I still let it eat at my soul.  Thanks for reading.

[auntiejessi]

Maybe stop calling what she did in the past "mistakes".

People are entitled to have a sexual past that comes before you. Your wife came to you a whole person. You love that person - all those experiences make up who she is.

She chose you in the end, and is apparently still choosing you, even with your apparent mistreatment of her. Be the man she deserves, and don't let your insecurity become a tool to hurt her.

[Wheedle]

Let it go. It is in the past; nothing you can do. Can't change it, but you can change your perception of it. Had she not had those experiences, she may not be the person she is today (presuming you like who she is).

[Ouch575]

It's easy for people to say let it go, but it's not easy. It's NOT about the past...it's about TRUST. If people rush into marriage, okay...you're going to find out things later. But, if you date for years as I also did, you should have the trust that you know all of the pertinent information about the other person. I too had information 'kept' from me until my first child was born and I felt as though the person I truly fell in love with died. It felt like an actual loss. To many this may sound ridiculous, but to me TRUST is everything. I trusted her after years of a dating and getting to know one another relationship. To me, what was that time for if not to know the truth about each other and our compatibility. It bothers me to this day...8 years later.

[jo929]

Let the past stay buried where it should be. and look to the future  luck  jo

[Scorpio74]

I know I am coming into this conversation 12+ years after the last response/comment here, but I think just getting my thoughts out here and venting will be helpful for me.  I am in a very similar situation where my wife's intimate past is crippling my ability to function at times.  I don't mean sexually function, but just function day-to-day in general.  It has become an obsessive situation where the jealousy is eating me from this inside out.  We met when we were 26 and married at 30.  She had 4 partners before me, one being an ex-husband.  No matter how small her "number" is, I still find myself being jealous, disgusted and anxious that 4 other men had "been there" before me.  I keep trying to examine in my own head WHY this even matters to me or bothers me, and I can't pinpoint it.  The last guy she was with before me was over 20 years ago, but her history is still suffocating me today.  Just reading on multiple sites the past couple weeks, I guess I just feel better knowing "I'm not alone" and that there are others out there who are bothered by their spouses past even years later.  I read somewhere online tonight that there is more and more data and cases coming out where men are aroused and excited by knowing about and hearing more about their wives' sexual past...I can't even imagine feeling that way.  I feel physically and mentally ill at the thought of her offering ALL of herself to guys I consider "random guys" (minus her ex-husband whom she has a child with).  I know it's in the past and I know she didn't choose anybody over me since I was never in the picture before we met, but it is still just stuck in my head and soul...and I can't shake it.  Anyway, if you're reading this, thank you for reading...and feel free to offer feedback if you are still here.

[auntiejessi]

If you are still bothered by men that were in her life over 20 years ago, please, get therapy.

I promise you that she is only thinking of those men when you bring them up. She isn't thinking of some random guy from high school when she's in her 40s, married to you, raising kids, working, whatever.

Did you have partners before her? Are you still thinking of them?

You are going to drive her away. Get therapy. You say in your other post that you have shamed her. That's on you. It's interesting that a post from another woman made you realize that shaming her was wrong, and instead, 20 years of shaming her never did.

Please, get therapy. This isn't normal or healthy. You and your wife deserve better.

[Scorpio74]

Thank you for responding, hearing perspectives from others is by itself therapeutic for me. Even when it’s “not what I want to hear”, it is helpful. I did enroll in therapy around the same time I posted my messages here. I have had one virtual session and now have 5 in-person sessions scheduled starting next week. I KNOW how I feel is irrational and that my jealousy and pride have guided my feelings over the years. I need to find a way to get over this. Thanks again.  

[auntiejessi]

I'm really happy to hear that you've started therapy. I hope you continue it, and do all the work. Therapy isn't easy, and good for you for doing it. :)

[mike12399]

A related discussion, Wife Past bothers me was started.

[lolly87]

women are not like men, men are always proud of the number of sexual patners they have and the more they have the better.........but for women its the opposite we always strive to have less sexual partners as we believe that the more u changing partners something is also changing down there and it's embarassing for us women.

ur wife maybe didn't want u 2 loose interest in her back then and decided to lie and personally I think it doesn't matter now coz you have been 2gether for 14yrs and u have never felt it when having sex that she had with many partners before you.

if you leave her you will find a worse one who will also not tell the truth to you and maybe u will have more problems with the one u'll find.Stick with ur wife man and tell her what this is doing to u the more u talk to her about it the more it will get better and maybe she can explain y she lied.

all the best man....

lolly