Cancer,Pain and mental capacities

[westcostbiker]

Hi, Im a 46 yr old male I was a Radiographer and and Aerospace worker at a launch facility for many years. I was diagnosed in 2004 with Multiple myeloma after about 2 yrs of complaining about back,leg and hip pain. I just had a stem cell transplant about 5 mos ago and it seams to be taking hold for now! Doc I have been through so much as I had advanced stages and had a couple of bouts with my calcium spiking! it was so bad that I almost went comatose and spent a couple months in hosp each time.
  Ok here is my problem I guess. I take right now 40mg of Kadian in the morning and in the evening about bed time. I also take on the average of 6 Vicodin a day( I can only take the 500 now as that is all medical will let me have. I know I am addicted to the pain killers but have worked myself from 200mg a day of kadian and dalaudid about 6 times a day since I have started feeling a bit better. I drive myself crazy worrying about being addicted to the painkillers and knowing that my cancer will return someday! knowing it will and not knowing when makes me crazy!! They have had me on prozac 20mg since diagnosis.It gets so bad i just cant enjoy what time I have left!! I went from being employed in a career that I loved, to now being dependent on people and my gov making me feel like some kind of sponging off the system. Is there any advice how to stope worrying so much about the pain killer addiction or even if I should worry about it? and how to deal with all my mixed emotions. I would like to enjoy the time I have left.
There is alot more but just not enough room to write. Thanks

[JoAnnaRF]

First of all let me say I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It seems you are your own worst enemy. As we all usually are. You need to understand the difference between Addiction and Dependency. It sounds like you are not an Addict but are Dependent on these medications. People that HAVE to take medications, long term, do become physically dependent. You are NOT weak!! You are HUMAN! And you need these medications in order to survive with the pain. Beleive it or not, the Docs usually know what they are doing and they are well aware of what they are giving you. Just make sure to take them AS DIRECTED. No adjusting the dosage on your own. If you feel you no longer need as much, call the Doc. If you feel you need more, call the Doc. Always consult with the Doc.
You also need to talk to the Doc about the Depression and have him arrange a consult with someone who specialized in Depression due to Chronic pain/illness. Pain and Depression DO go hand in hand. Again, this does not make you weak, only human. But they may be able to help you adjust to everything you have been through as well as deal with the future so that you can get back to living.
Finally, you are NOT sponging off the Government! You have EARNED the right to be taken care of. If your son or daughter were in the same position as you, and feeling the same way as you, What would you tell them? Now tell that to yourself. Let the guilt go. This is your life, now get busy living it!
I know, it's easier said than done. Talk to those you are close to. Talk to your Doc. Talk to anyone that will listen, just don't forget to listen to them as well.
Hoping you SLIDE into home plate!
--J