Cheating

Awhile ago, I asked a similar question on relationships and wanted guys opinions. That's the only board I ever really go to and then I saw someone mention that this board is better for guy's opinions. Can you tell me why a guy that claims to really love his wife and otherwise is a great husband would continue to go to massage parlors after they are married? He then told on himself and said he did it to come clean and start being the husband he now knows he wants to be. He did get married a bit before he was ready to get married but what gives? Do you think he is really sorry? Can Change? I jusy want to see what the guys think.

[QuestionableMotive]

I'm sorry, I don't quiet understand the question.  What's wrong with him going to get a massage.  Lot's of men get massages to help deal with stress on the body.  Now if 'massage parlour' is a code word for ***** house, that's another story.  If this is something you see as cheating than I think you have major trust issues, maybe the problem is not with him, but with you.  And trust is a key part to any healthy relationship.  Please elaborate, I truly don't understand the situation.

[yankeegirl2]

I'm sorry I was not clear. It is not a regular massge. At first after the marriage he had intercourse 3x and thereafter he received a happy ending - until he came clean. Since he confessed it all he really seems different and I truly believe he is not doing it anymore. But can I guy really change? Does it make a difference that he told everything himself without actually having too? Or that he told his friends he was a jerk and really loves being married and wants to be a loyal husband?  

[QuestionableMotive]

Lol sorry I came off a little brash and I apologize.  I personally believe that when someone cheats that FULL trust can never be regained, however that's only my personal belief.  I think if you trust him (which I both commend and pity you for) than maybe you could work out some sort of trial.  Tell him to step-up, be that husband he wants to be and if you don't see it, your leaving.  I would suggest counselling for the two of you.  I know leaving isn't always an option especially if there's children involved and I wish you the best of luck.

[marra315]

i rember reading this over there and the reaction you got ,lol !
but i agree with QM he very sensible for a young guy!
but i have to say i dont think i could forgive him . good luck x x

[smcallis]

[smcallis]

He may have sex addiction.  Do a internet search and you'll find lots of info including the signs to look for.  SA is just like any other addiction and if he has one it will be a lifelong struggle.  I would say that most everyone that goes to massage parlors are SA's.  Take it from someone who is just starting out in recovery at 37 yrs old.

[yankeegirl2]

Well you should be proud of yourself!!! like any addiction the first step (and biggest) is admitting it. Ironically my husband is the same age. He said he told me everything because he did not want to continue that but wanted things to be truly exclusive. I knew he went to them when we first met but assumed it stopped. Maybe I was afraid to ask. He said he would never have started it after marriage but stupidly continued it with his group of friends. I really wish you well. I'm just having a hard time getting past the hurt. Ironically though the past 4 months have been what I always wanted for us.

[ringo110]

some guys cannot eat beans all the time...some make a mistake and they CAN CHANGE.

[Morgannon]

Sounds like the same old story from every other guy I know who cheats on his wife..."Honey, I'll change, honey, I'll not do it anymore, my friends made me do it."  The most important question for you right now - did he have unprotected sex, or did he use a condom?  Don't even ask him if he used a condom - he'll lie if he didn't - just go get tested.  If he was having multiple affairs, that's one thing - but a massage parlor for God's sake?  Those places are disgusting, nasty, and full of all kinds of STD's.  

Sorry to be so negative, but I've heard all this bullcrap before from old friends / acquaintances of mine to their wives.  Men who cheat, in almost all cases, keep cheating.  That "I told my friends I'm a jerk" line is classic - the friends helped him keep cheating, knew he was married to you, and NEVER told you about it.

You really need to understand what's going on here.  Your husband was intimate with other women.  He lied to you about it.  His friends lied to you about it.  Now he wants to "come clean".  That's ****, I'm sorry - he probably thought one of his friends was going to tell you, or you would find out, and wanted to do damage control.      

[cbillett1967]

Once a cheater, Always a cheater.  I have a buddy who cheats on his wife, and he will never tell her the truth.  He is very good at making her believe what he wants her too.  Why would you want to be with someone that is a cheater?   I am a firm believer in not cheating and being honest.  If the other person in your life can't do that, then they should not be there.  Otherwise you have to except the fact that he cheats and simple deal with it.

Good Luck