Porn, internet, masturbation destroying my life

I am facing quite a few problems.

I started masturbating on 27th December 2004 quite late at age 19 and ever since my life has changed for the worse. I learnt meditation at age 16.

Every time I masturbate I become more depressed and lonelier. Surfing internet porn has become a regular habit. I need porn to masturbate. I tried getting rid of it by meditation, tracking down on a piece of paper, staying away from girls completely, not to see stimulating stuff but nothing helps. My will power has taken a terrific beating. Allb my to-do-lists remain incomplete these days. The very fact of doing ten jobs in a day makes me nervous and panicky. Simple things like waking up, getting ready, going to work, etc. look tedious and stressful. My head always feels clouded, my thoughts are blurred too. Sometimes the head pains too, if I try to avoid masturbating for a few days. At max I have been able to go without masturbation for 25 days and that was in 2006. In the last one year, I have failed to go past seven days. I feel like tearing my hair apart. Too many dry days (without masturbation) and I get attracted to any girl walking down the road, and makes me fear I will do something wrong with her. Also, if no. of dry days increase, the workload feels like a mountain and the stress levels shoot up. In frustration I start listening to loud hard rock music.

This weakness is causing so much trouble in my life. I failed my CA Inter exam mainly because of this trouble. Instead of chipping away at my problems I choose the alternative path of drowning my sorrows in the wine of orgasmic happiness. I used to be quite social before but now I keep my mobile switched off all day, I change email ids every year, my friends have stopped mailing me too mainly because I dont reply. My studies have gone for a toss. Nothing makes me smile or cry.

The sight of burning two dead bodies in the family in the past three years also has made me more emotionless. The fact death might arrive anytime always lurks in my head making me stressed out at times.

The fear of doing wrong, of being rebuked by society, of personal guilt - no more works. Putting the image of Buddha and other Gods in my net-surfing room also does not deter me from doing shameful acts like visiting porn and masturbating. However, once the orgasm ends, the guilt is so overwhelming that I destroy everything - all pictures, videos, media player program files, even internet connection sometimes. Once, I stripped off all wires from the sockets and destroyed the TV and internet connections. However, my brother and mom were really angry with me. My bro is addicted to porn and masturbation too. But he even refuses to acknowledge the problem. Hence, removing internet and TV from home is no more an option and staying alone is also not working. If alone, after 5-6 days, I try out stupid things like bringing porn CDs home or surfing at cyber cafes.

I have visited Mormon websites, tried out their techniques, read religious books like Tipitakas, visited local church too, but, alas, nothing works. In fact, today was a very bad day. I masturbated thrice to porn and today my mom caught me too in the act. I cannot suffer this shame any longer.

None of my friends really acknowledge that masturbation is a problem. Nor my family members too. I remember my dad bringing women's mags home.

I have never smoked or drank hard drinks but somehow the triple combo addictions of internet-porn-masturbation refuses to go. In fact not a week passes when I dont surf internet. Even passing a day without internet is so damn tough.

I am suffering from some other health problems too - negative 4.5 vision, chipped teeth, allergies to dust, almost year round cold tendency which gets worse in winter, breathing trouble twice a year during Diwali(crackers bursting days) and during winter(thankfully this has reduced considerably during the past 3 years).

I have gone through four relationship breaks in the past 5 years. All relationships started because of my desperation to have a girlfriend, three of them over internet and two of them lasted 2-3 years and ended over internet. In one relationship my personal guilt made me make an offer of brother-sister relationship to a girl who accepted. And the last one was with a lady 13 years older than me whom I met physically. However, in none of the relationships any physical contact was involved not even kissing despite all my desperation.

The extreme paths are not working, not even the middle path. I have lost all faith on doctors. Hence, unless the complication is acute and makes me catch the bed, I never go to a doctor even if fever or tiredness grips me.

I have a big ego too which refuses to go. I want to control everything from myself to everything around me. I like to do things differently, I perceive each human being as a competitor now or as a potential harmful agent to my interests. I fail to acknowledge the good side of life. Words of praise never come out easily face to face, however, while returning I do it easily. Even the way I speak has become robotic in nature. I speak in a single tone. I cannot laugh to my satisfaction, I cannot vent my anger to my desire, I cannot cry too when required, I keep my opinions to myself, not communicating to anyone for fear of it being shot down. I can never fight back.

I dream myself to be someone big, something extra-ordinary but turn out to be nothing at the end of the day. Neither am I able to inspire others nor am I able to inspire myself.

The feeling of self-worthlessness makes me feel like committing suicide too but this appears tough too.

I don't know

[Dalubaba]

Reading your narration,it becomes apparent that you have a genuine urge to improve.Behind there multiple problem the root cause can only be one.If your surmount one issur, other issues will fade ultimatily.
Masturbation is a natural habit.It does not do any permenant damage.Constant worry about the it ratjer than the act is much more harmful. Enjoy your masterbation (masturbation) when there is an natural urge.Try to avoid or cut down viewing blue films.Take care ot other problems like vision, asthma etc.Take help from doctors
Sexual urge is powerfu energy.In yoga,Mulbandh, Uddyanbandh, and jalandarband can help you to convert this energy into positive mental energy.Search Kegel exercises, pengym website to learn more about sexual problem Accept a challange to convert this weakness into your strong point.Most of the people encounter this dilema and come out successfully. To day only I was reading on positive affirmation and why they fail. If possible I will pate it in this posting..I will post it sperately as i could not get the saved materioal.Don't lose corage. there are number of ways to transform ourselves. I understand you must have felt better after writing your post.

[Dalubaba]

After sending two messages i was just thinking  and a thouht crept up. your writing is wonderful. you have complete depth os the subject.why not wrtite a daily journal? You can write your dreams as well. this can give you clue to your life's problem and opportunity as well/ Think about it.

[jagat02]

Hi you are giving out good suggestions...Positive affirmations, yoga,Mulbandh, Uddyanbandh, and jalandarband, Kegel exercises, pengym website, writing.

Thank you for trying so much. I liked the ideas. The tough part is implementation. In the last few days things are going well. There has been no opportunity of thinking. In fact I realise now that I am the happiest when I am busy with not a single second to spare. I destroy myself when alone or not working.

All these stupid thoughts just go on rotating inside the head and make me dumb when not working.

A lazy mind is a devil's workshop. Same is the case with me. Being lazy causes problems. Our problems are as big or small as we think them to be.

[Dalubaba]

I wonde  whether anybody has ever told you that you can grasp thing easily and express yourself beutifully. two replies to me provethat.
People are rare who understand and express the understanding understndigly in brief .Develop this talent.

[jagat02]

Thanx...though at present I am feeling terribly depressed.

[Clarkos]

Hi, I struggle with porn and alcohol addiction and the two seem to stem from the same place, lust. I understand that there are two aspects to who I am. There is the spiritual man who wants to be good and do right and then there is the flesh that requires constant feeding, stimulation and gratification. Have you tried fasting? When you fast you deny your physical impulse to eat. This denial of the flesh builds the strength of your will and empowers you in the moment. I have found it to be an extremely effective tool. Be specific, set a specific time period, 12 hours to start with and then increase the time incrementally so that you can build your will power up over time.

[JD64]

I have heard of something like this before, when you are feeling urges you should attempt to do something to occupy yourself.
Execise has been a scientificly proven solution for issues such as yours. Running, weight lifting, swimming, things such as the previous stated.
Staying away from women seems to cause a more powerful urge, so possibly attempt to socialize with them to settle these feelings.

[THIING]

Yeah man. I can't stop watching porn. Even with the countless times my mum forbids me to, I still can't help it. It's a terrible addiction.

[JumboJack]

You can beat this.  After several years of trying to cure myself, I was able to do it.  It takes extreme discipline.  This is how I did it:

Rules:

1.  Don't look at any pictures of women on your computer.  None that are nude, non-nude, or in any sexual situations.  Nothing, nada.  If you see a naked woman in a movie, shut your eyes.  Think of it as poison for your penis.  Make sure the next nude girl you see is in real life.

2.  Only masturbate once every two days.  No more.  You have to re-sensitize your mind.

3.  When you do masturbate, only think of real women in real sexual situations.  Think of women that you like or ex-girlfriends.  Put any porn situations or fetishes out of your mind.  It's very difficult, but you have to bring yourself into reality.

4.  Buy a calendar and put it on your bedroom wall to track your progress.  Mark an "X" for every day that you follow the rules.  Your goal should be an X for every day on the calendar.  No exceptions.  It sounds simple but it worked for me.

This is how my experience went while trying out this plan:

Stage 1:  (weeks 1 and 2)
This is the toughest stage.  It is extremely frustrating to not have the stimulus you are used to having.  I would get cranky and moody.  I was also depressed because I literally could not get it up at times I wanted to masturbate.  I would often relapse into porn in this stage because I wanted to check to see if my penis worked at all.  Of course, then I would be stimulated but I would have to start from scratch again.  After I stuck with the rules for several days though, it slowly got easier to masturbate with only my imagination and real life situations.

Stage 2 (weeks 3 and 4)
I noticed that I could masturbate easier without porn.  I started having good dreams and even some semi night erections.  I started noticing more women in real life and staring at them more.  I would use those images for masturbation and it felt good.  Confidence started going up.

Stage 3 (weeks 5 and 6)
Confidence went way up.  Sometimes I was able to get an erection during the day with simple day time fantasies.  Dreams at night got real good.  Night erections and erections when masturbating reminded me of teenage years.  

But here is the problem.  I got so much confidence that I thought I was cured.  I relapsed back into porn for a few days thinking it was ok and threw it all away.  Unfortunately, I am now back at stage 1.  But, I know I can get back to normal functioning if I stick with it this time.

Hopefully this brings you some hope.  It is the porn that is causing your problems.  You have to stay away from it forever.  It is extemely difficult but it is worth it.  Porn can de-masculate you.  You have to re-masculate yourself

[davidmator]

Hey me and you are going through the same problem at the same time. I really need to stop doing porn and masturbation as a whole. If you want we could check up on each other and keep each other on track and update on how each one of us is doing. Heres my email: david.roadrunner.***@****

[Dalubaba]

Once you did write that you have become busy and now you do not have any problem. so how come you are again in the same situation. Your antidote is simple, get busy and be free from these habits.

[scalple]

Hello...I stumbled onto your chat and felt the urge to throw down my 2 cents...its not very specific, but it applies to most problems we face in our private moments in our minds.  Time changes everything...often we dont allow enough time to pass for the changes we want to take place to occur.  We can feel dissapointed with our "seeming" lack of progress.  True change takes time.  Also you are human.  Expecting to change your thoughts and behaviours without making mistakes and "relapsing" is naive and unrealistic.  People do care...I hope for your peace

[Will_S]

Mate you really can articulate yourself and you should definitly be proud of that. I was reading about your masturbation issues and I found last year, I had the same issue. What really helped me to quit was to do it gradually. You can try to masturbate once in a week then once in 2 weeks and keep increasing the time in between and eventually stop. I know its basic but to try and turn your body off from masturbating instantly will hardly ever work. Like scalple said,  a lot of people care about you. I was really sad to hear your story but I believe you can and will overcome it. Also what really helped me was getting much more sleep. Masturbation was keeping me up to all hours of the night. I'd sit there looking over porn for hours on end well past when I should've gone to bed. Because I wasn't getting enough sleep I'd just be a ghost of my self, just a zombie it's a horrible feeling. Once you set a regular and reasonable bed time you will think so much clearer. You can set goals, get involved in the community and maybe find God if that is what you want to do. I really hope you overcome your problem and then help others with their's and start contributing to everyday life (even washing and cooking), contribution is a wonderful feeling and really helps others out. I'm not trying to force you to do anything or dictate your life, I just hope you take out of what I wrote, things that you can implement into your life/lifestyle, obviously everything that worked for me may not work for you but I hope you try them and they work! All the best Mate.

[Joshee]

I have the same problem and feelings. I was introduced to porn at a young age because someone left up a porn site on the computer. Since i was young i was curious and started looking up ''free pron''. I understabd the desperation that you feel of wanting to quit. Apart from all of that in your article it seemed you really wanted to change and i respect you for that. And i thank everyone else for the helpful advice. I hope i can change my ways sooner or later

[parx008]

Hey i have got the same problem just not as severe but im a smart 14 year old and my studies are going down the drain. Could i get an email address so i can get help.  I wanna stop so bad but i need someone to talk to. Thanks.

[l0cus]

I completely understand where your coming from, and what your going through. I'm failing at my IT classes and can't stay focused when porn is on my mind. I myself have been masturbating since I was 15. Let me tell u I am addicted to masturbation, at first it was just curiosity, no porn just my hand and my soldier :P...later I found porn, first it was just some playboy magazines, by the way the masturbation was maybe about once or twice a week at that point, as I grew up and as time passed, it only got worse. From magazines went to late night channels on tv and from there the internet, the masturbation was part of my daily schedule by then. I'm 21 now bout to be 22 and I regret that I ever started watching porn. It got so bad that I have porn on my phone and I will masturbate in the most unbelievable places and times.

Now I have the same problems as you, and more, five months ago I lost a girl I loved to the bottom of my heart. When it comes to sex I can only do it if it's special with a close partner. I can just get any girl and have a one night stand.  About a month ago my friend introduced me to a girl, they had just started going out or were about to, there was a strong connection on the spot. We started talking, and hanging out on daily basis. Keep in mind through out all that time I kept masturbating everyday to porn (just about everyday). recently we decided it was time to take the next step, we started making out, went onto foreplay, and I just couldn't get it up. I was so mad, embarrassed, and felt horrible. The next day I found out there's so many people that suffer from the same problem.

What happened was I was so used to getting aroused by my fantasies which I got from porn. The good side? Time cures. All I have to do is do my best to stay away from porn and masturbating (which I know will not be an easy task) and focus on her as well as be ale to talk to her and explain what is going on.

In the grand scheme of things, keep your chin up, drop the porn and tell yourself its time to move on. Well this got a bit long but I hope it helps u or anyone else, good luck :D  

[imzy]

Hey bro. Do u know what, you've just expressed the same thoughts and the problem that I face in my daily life due to this dirty porn industry. I also have vision problem and I also feel confusion and clouds wondering in my head, even if I try to concentrate on my task, my mind ends up getting confused. It's left a psychological problem and it's just disgusting and due to this illness, I can't work because I'm tired most of the time and my eyes feel drowsy and strained due to years of sitting in front of a computer and tv and getting up to no good.  I also feel suicidal because it's effected my emotions, my emotions r quite crazy, I would laugh at things which arn't even but inside I know this ain't real laughter. I've been heart broken by my girlfriend which has almost tooken my life away. Everyday I'm depressed and sad and feel lonely, nothing goes right for me and coz of my depression, it's effected my love ones such as my parents coz when they see me like this they also get depressed. Deep inside myself I know I'm quite intellectual and could achieve soo many things in life if only I cud get rid of these sexual, emotional problems. Any good advice? Please don't tell me to go yoga or any meditation coz I've tried nearly everything. I know this story of mine sounds depressing and boring but seeing as this is the page for these kind of stories then I feel happy to share my problem.

[Tasket]

A related discussion, The climb was started.