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Porn, internet, masturbation destroying my life
by jagat02, Mar 07, 2009 09:49AM
I am facing quite a few problems.
I started masturbating on 27th December 2004 quite late at age 19 and ever since my life has changed for the worse. I learnt meditation at age 16.
Every time I masturbate I become more depressed and lonelier. Surfing internet porn has become a regular habit. I need porn to masturbate. I tried getting rid of it by meditation, tracking down on a piece of paper, staying away from girls completely, not to see stimulating stuff but nothing helps. My will power has taken a terrific beating. Allb my to-do-lists remain incomplete these days. The very fact of doing ten jobs in a day makes me nervous and panicky. Simple things like waking up, getting ready, going to work, etc. look tedious and stressful. My head always feels clouded, my thoughts are blurred too. Sometimes the head pains too, if I try to avoid masturbating for a few days. At max I have been able to go without masturbation for 25 days and that was in 2006. In the last one year, I have failed to go past seven days. I feel like tearing my hair apart. Too many dry days (without masturbation) and I get attracted to any girl walking down the road, and makes me fear I will do something wrong with her. Also, if no. of dry days increase, the workload feels like a mountain and the stress levels shoot up. In frustration I start listening to loud hard rock music.
This weakness is causing so much trouble in my life. I failed my CA Inter exam mainly because of this trouble. Instead of chipping away at my problems I choose the alternative path of drowning my sorrows in the wine of orgasmic happiness. I used to be quite social before but now I keep my mobile switched off all day, I change email ids every year, my friends have stopped mailing me too mainly because I dont reply. My studies have gone for a toss. Nothing makes me smile or cry.
The sight of burning two dead bodies in the family in the past three years also has made me more emotionless. The fact death might arrive anytime always lurks in my head making me stressed out at times.
The fear of doing wrong, of being rebuked by society, of personal guilt - no more works. Putting the image of Buddha and other Gods in my net-surfing room also does not deter me from doing shameful acts like visiting porn and masturbating. However, once the orgasm ends, the guilt is so overwhelming that I destroy everything - all pictures, videos, media player program files, even internet connection sometimes. Once, I stripped off all wires from the sockets and destroyed the TV and internet connections. However, my brother and mom were really angry with me. My bro is addicted to porn and masturbation too. But he even refuses to acknowledge the problem. Hence, removing internet and TV from home is no more an option and staying alone is also not working. If alone, after 5-6 days, I try out stupid things like bringing porn CDs home or surfing at cyber cafes.
I have visited Mormon websites, tried out their techniques, read religious books like Tipitakas, visited local church too, but, alas, nothing works. In fact, today was a very bad day. I masturbated thrice to porn and today my mom caught me too in the act. I cannot suffer this shame any longer.
None of my friends really acknowledge that masturbation is a problem. Nor my family members too. I remember my dad bringing women's mags home.
I have never smoked or drank hard drinks but somehow the triple combo addictions of internet-porn-masturbation refuses to go. In fact not a week passes when I dont surf internet. Even passing a day without internet is so damn tough.
I am suffering from some other health problems too - negative 4.5 vision, chipped teeth, allergies to dust, almost year round cold tendency which gets worse in winter, breathing trouble twice a year during Diwali(crackers bursting days) and during winter(thankfully this has reduced considerably during the past 3 years).
I have gone through four relationship breaks in the past 5 years. All relationships started because of my desperation to have a girlfriend, three of them over internet and two of them lasted 2-3 years and ended over internet. In one relationship my personal guilt made me make an offer of brother-sister relationship to a girl who accepted. And the last one was with a lady 13 years older than me whom I met physically. However, in none of the relationships any physical contact was involved not even kissing despite all my desperation.
The extreme paths are not working, not even the middle path. I have lost all faith on doctors. Hence, unless the complication is acute and makes me catch the bed, I never go to a doctor even if fever or tiredness grips me.
I have a big ego too which refuses to go. I want to control everything from myself to everything around me. I like to do things differently, I perceive each human being as a competitor now or as a potential harmful agent to my interests. I fail to acknowledge the good side of life. Words of praise never come out easily face to face, however, while returning I do it easily. Even the way I speak has become robotic in nature. I speak in a single tone. I cannot laugh to my satisfaction, I cannot vent my anger to my desire, I cannot cry too when required, I keep my opinions to myself, not communicating to anyone for fear of it being shot down. I can never fight back.
I dream myself to be someone big, something extra-ordinary but turn out to be nothing at the end of the day. Neither am I able to inspire others nor am I able to inspire myself.
The feeling of self-worthlessness makes me feel like committing suicide too but this appears tough too.
I don't know
I started masturbating on 27th December 2004 quite late at age 19 and ever since my life has changed for the worse. I learnt meditation at age 16.
Every time I masturbate I become more depressed and lonelier. Surfing internet porn has become a regular habit. I need porn to masturbate. I tried getting rid of it by meditation, tracking down on a piece of paper, staying away from girls completely, not to see stimulating stuff but nothing helps. My will power has taken a terrific beating. Allb my to-do-lists remain incomplete these days. The very fact of doing ten jobs in a day makes me nervous and panicky. Simple things like waking up, getting ready, going to work, etc. look tedious and stressful. My head always feels clouded, my thoughts are blurred too. Sometimes the head pains too, if I try to avoid masturbating for a few days. At max I have been able to go without masturbation for 25 days and that was in 2006. In the last one year, I have failed to go past seven days. I feel like tearing my hair apart. Too many dry days (without masturbation) and I get attracted to any girl walking down the road, and makes me fear I will do something wrong with her. Also, if no. of dry days increase, the workload feels like a mountain and the stress levels shoot up. In frustration I start listening to loud hard rock music.
This weakness is causing so much trouble in my life. I failed my CA Inter exam mainly because of this trouble. Instead of chipping away at my problems I choose the alternative path of drowning my sorrows in the wine of orgasmic happiness. I used to be quite social before but now I keep my mobile switched off all day, I change email ids every year, my friends have stopped mailing me too mainly because I dont reply. My studies have gone for a toss. Nothing makes me smile or cry.
The sight of burning two dead bodies in the family in the past three years also has made me more emotionless. The fact death might arrive anytime always lurks in my head making me stressed out at times.
The fear of doing wrong, of being rebuked by society, of personal guilt - no more works. Putting the image of Buddha and other Gods in my net-surfing room also does not deter me from doing shameful acts like visiting porn and masturbating. However, once the orgasm ends, the guilt is so overwhelming that I destroy everything - all pictures, videos, media player program files, even internet connection sometimes. Once, I stripped off all wires from the sockets and destroyed the TV and internet connections. However, my brother and mom were really angry with me. My bro is addicted to porn and masturbation too. But he even refuses to acknowledge the problem. Hence, removing internet and TV from home is no more an option and staying alone is also not working. If alone, after 5-6 days, I try out stupid things like bringing porn CDs home or surfing at cyber cafes.
I have visited Mormon websites, tried out their techniques, read religious books like Tipitakas, visited local church too, but, alas, nothing works. In fact, today was a very bad day. I masturbated thrice to porn and today my mom caught me too in the act. I cannot suffer this shame any longer.
None of my friends really acknowledge that masturbation is a problem. Nor my family members too. I remember my dad bringing women's mags home.
I have never smoked or drank hard drinks but somehow the triple combo addictions of internet-porn-masturbation refuses to go. In fact not a week passes when I dont surf internet. Even passing a day without internet is so damn tough.
I am suffering from some other health problems too - negative 4.5 vision, chipped teeth, allergies to dust, almost year round cold tendency which gets worse in winter, breathing trouble twice a year during Diwali(crackers bursting days) and during winter(thankfully this has reduced considerably during the past 3 years).
I have gone through four relationship breaks in the past 5 years. All relationships started because of my desperation to have a girlfriend, three of them over internet and two of them lasted 2-3 years and ended over internet. In one relationship my personal guilt made me make an offer of brother-sister relationship to a girl who accepted. And the last one was with a lady 13 years older than me whom I met physically. However, in none of the relationships any physical contact was involved not even kissing despite all my desperation.
The extreme paths are not working, not even the middle path. I have lost all faith on doctors. Hence, unless the complication is acute and makes me catch the bed, I never go to a doctor even if fever or tiredness grips me.
I have a big ego too which refuses to go. I want to control everything from myself to everything around me. I like to do things differently, I perceive each human being as a competitor now or as a potential harmful agent to my interests. I fail to acknowledge the good side of life. Words of praise never come out easily face to face, however, while returning I do it easily. Even the way I speak has become robotic in nature. I speak in a single tone. I cannot laugh to my satisfaction, I cannot vent my anger to my desire, I cannot cry too when required, I keep my opinions to myself, not communicating to anyone for fear of it being shot down. I can never fight back.
I dream myself to be someone big, something extra-ordinary but turn out to be nothing at the end of the day. Neither am I able to inspire others nor am I able to inspire myself.
The feeling of self-worthlessness makes me feel like committing suicide too but this appears tough too.
I don't know
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Masturbation is a natural habit.It does not do any permenant damage.Constant worry about the it ratjer than the act is much more harmful. Enjoy your masterbation (masturbation) when there is an natural urge.Try to avoid or cut down viewing blue films.Take care ot other problems like vision, asthma etc.Take help from doctors
Sexual urge is powerfu energy.In yoga,Mulbandh, Uddyanbandh, and jalandarband can help you to convert this energy into positive mental energy.Search Kegel exercises, pengym website to learn more about sexual problem Accept a challange to convert this weakness into your strong point.Most of the people encounter this dilema and come out successfully. To day only I was reading on positive affirmation and why they fail. If possible I will pate it in this posting..I will post it sperately as i could not get the saved materioal.Don't lose corage. there are number of ways to transform ourselves. I understand you must have felt better after writing your post.
Thank you for trying so much. I liked the ideas. The tough part is implementation. In the last few days things are going well. There has been no opportunity of thinking. In fact I realise now that I am the happiest when I am busy with not a single second to spare. I destroy myself when alone or not working.
All these stupid thoughts just go on rotating inside the head and make me dumb when not working.
A lazy mind is a devil's workshop. Same is the case with me. Being lazy causes problems. Our problems are as big or small as we think them to be.
People are rare who understand and express the understanding understndigly in brief .Develop this talent.
Execise has been a scientificly proven solution for issues such as yours. Running, weight lifting, swimming, things such as the previous stated.
Staying away from women seems to cause a more powerful urge, so possibly attempt to socialize with them to settle these feelings.
Rules:
1. Don't look at any pictures of women on your computer. None that are nude, non-nude, or in any sexual situations. Nothing, nada. If you see a naked woman in a movie, shut your eyes. Think of it as poison for your penis. Make sure the next nude girl you see is in real life.
2. Only masturbate once every two days. No more. You have to re-sensitize your mind.
3. When you do masturbate, only think of real women in real sexual situations. Think of women that you like or ex-girlfriends. Put any porn situations or fetishes out of your mind. It's very difficult, but you have to bring yourself into reality.
4. Buy a calendar and put it on your bedroom wall to track your progress. Mark an "X" for every day that you follow the rules. Your goal should be an X for every day on the calendar. No exceptions. It sounds simple but it worked for me.
This is how my experience went while trying out this plan:
Stage 1: (weeks 1 and 2)
This is the toughest stage. It is extremely frustrating to not have the stimulus you are used to having. I would get cranky and moody. I was also depressed because I literally could not get it up at times I wanted to masturbate. I would often relapse into porn in this stage because I wanted to check to see if my penis worked at all. Of course, then I would be stimulated but I would have to start from scratch again. After I stuck with the rules for several days though, it slowly got easier to masturbate with only my imagination and real life situations.
Stage 2 (weeks 3 and 4)
I noticed that I could masturbate easier without porn. I started having good dreams and even some semi night erections. I started noticing more women in real life and staring at them more. I would use those images for masturbation and it felt good. Confidence started going up.
Stage 3 (weeks 5 and 6)
Confidence went way up. Sometimes I was able to get an erection during the day with simple day time fantasies. Dreams at night got real good. Night erections and erections when masturbating reminded me of teenage years.
But here is the problem. I got so much confidence that I thought I was cured. I relapsed back into porn for a few days thinking it was ok and threw it all away. Unfortunately, I am now back at stage 1. But, I know I can get back to normal functioning if I stick with it this time.
Hopefully this brings you some hope. It is the porn that is causing your problems. You have to stay away from it forever. It is extemely difficult but it is worth it. Porn can de-masculate you. You have to re-masculate yourself