Step Daughter Misbehavin2

I have a step daughter who is soon to be 12 in June. I have raised her as my own and have treated her as if she were mine since the age of 3, when her father, now my huband met.
She is now 11 and this past year have been throwing hateful looks and attitudes towards me. My sister and her three girls, after a terrible divorce recently moved to be near us and my daughter is now, very jealous and insecure about my love for her.  At the same time, we have recently been receiving holiday packages from her biological mother, whom we do not see or have heard from since she was 4.  
My neice and my daughter go to the same school and come to find out that my daughter has been telling her friends terrible things about me.  My neice instead of telling me, told her mom, because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I confronted my daughter and she said that she didn't mean it.
My daughter does not do her chores, her grades have slipped dramatically, when asked to do somthething, she throws a fit and says "Leave me Alone!  She turns her back @ me as if I am not talking, she backtalks and always have an excuse for everything.  She has even, gone as far as asking me "If I even liked her anymore!" I found a note that she wrote that said "I hate you and your f$#%^@ family!"  This is from a little girl, whom I raised to be kind, giving, to think about others feelings and to always do the right thing.  Please help me understand, what I did wrong.

[PammySue]

I am unsure of why you posted this under the men's health forum.  However, since you did, I will try to help.

First of all, it's not your fault.  Girls at this age start the beginning of puberty, which can be very tough.  Not to mention the peer pressure they take from their friends at school, it's incredible.  I am a complete advocate of what I call "room sweeping".  It was the only way I could keep up with our daughter and her shenanigans when she was that age.

She is from a stable, loving family where both parents have been married since before she was born.  She began to tell lies to other people about how we abused her and beat her, none of which was true.  She became sexually active at 13.  All of which I found out by going through her room.

We put her in counseling and just worked through the issues she felt she had, which turned out to be insecurities and low self-esteem, even though she had been a straight A student.  But she wanted so desperately to fit in, that she stopped doing homework to look cool to others (never did drugs or drank, thank God, but also another sign to watch for) and many of the things you mention like the looks, aguing, etc.

My advice would be to talk, get some counseling, and work thru it.  It may be a long ride but it sounds like you're a good mom and care very much, so I'm sure you'll make it.  But always remember, it's NOT YOUR FAULT!  Teens are just tough, ya know.

Good Luck!!! :-)

[star queen]

Welcome to puberty.  Your daughter is just starting to drive you nuts.  Get ready for a roller coaster ride.  The biggest thing you have to remember is not to take the things she says to heart.  Remember what you were like as a teenager. Most teenagers will hate you, love you, cling, and push you away.  Listen to what they are saying, not how they say it.  They will test your love in the worst possible ways.  I told my daughter that it was my job to keep her in line on the old "straight and narrow" and it was her job to try me to the grave.  Whenever she told me she hated me, I hugged her and thanked her because that meant I was doing my job. It drove her nuts. I would happily call to Dad that she gave me a great compliment.  Instead of sending her to her room when she was bad, I made her spend time with the family and hugged her alot (she hated that). I told her I loved her in front of her friends (who knew she said I was horrible) and blew her kisses.  I drove her nuts. If she acted up, she spent time with me doing the most boring errands I could think up because she must need more "mom attention". Remember misery loves company.  If you aren't miserable due to her antics, then she will eventually stop doing them (when she is 18-20). Get on the roller coaster and hang on.