Trouble maintaining erection and reaching orgasm during sex; fine while masturbating

I'm having problems maintaining an erection and reaching orgasm during full sex.  This has been going on for several months, and may be getting worse.  I have no problems when masturbating on my own - that is the same as normal.

During sex I have no problem getting hard, and staying hard through foreplay - that is as good as it has ever been.  But after a few minutes of vaginal sex I lose my erection, lose that stimulated feeling in my ****, and I can't orgasm.  If I withdraw and start masturbating (preferably, and usually, with my wife's help) I can reach orgasm, but it's an effort.  I've tried a few times to masturbate back to hardness and return to vaginal sex, on one occasion I did then manage to reach orgasm but the other times I just lost the erection again and had to go back to masturbation.

The problem can't be physical, otherwise why would I be able to masturbate to orgasm?  Could it come from too much masturbation (once every 2 or 3 days, in addition to sex with my wife once or twice a week) - my sex/masturbation pattern has been much the same for several years, so nothing has changed here.

Could it just be that it's harder to reach orgasm as I get older? - but I'm only 35, so I wouldn't expect to be getting that sort of problem quite yet!

I suspect it must be psychological, particularly now the problem has been going on for some time, that worrying about losing it makes me lose it.  But that doesn't really explain why the problem started in the first place.

In any case, knowing the problem is psychological doesn't really help it go away.  My wife says she doesn't mind, but even if that's true I do mind and I want to fix this!

[helen388]

Honey, I hear you. I'm just dating someone new and he is having the exact same problem. Same age, very fit and healthy. No meds. Same problem but he also has difficulty masturbating to orgasm on occassion. I wish I had an answer for us. I'm trying to convince my partner to talk to a doctor. I am definitely not putting pressure on him when it happens, but it does matter to me. Not that it will affect my interest in him. I just think it kind of sucks for both of us. Go to the doctor. Let us know if you make any progress. Good luck, I'm rooting for you:)

[rbgos]

Things are going better now.  I guess I just needed some time, plus a particularly hot and rampant sex session where we were both really up for it and turned on and I did come inside my wife.  Probably earlier than I'd have ideally wanted, but better than not at all!  That boosted my confidence and helped break the mental cycle I was stuck in.

Since then things have been better.  I've been a bit more selfish about coming when I am ready to, rather than holding back to give my wife time to orgasm before (or ideally when ) I do - not ideal, I'd rather take longer and make sure we both have time to come before I'm done, but better than not coming at all.  I still masturbate occasionally, but less frequently than before which is probably helping too.

I suspect now the problem has arisen as a result of, for many years, deliberately suppressing and holding back my orgasm so that sex would last longer - I would want to come quite soon after starting vaginal sex (particularly if foreplay had been lengthy or particularly arousing) but would hold back.  I always used to be able to build back up again and reach orgasm, but then I stopped being able to.  Being selfish and coming quicker is not perfect, but it's a better situation.

[rbgos]

Helen,

I appreciate your problem!  I can see that you have got exactly the right attitude here to help him in the best way.  My wife insisted in her most convincing way that it was no big deal to her at all, she didn't mind, and also helped to masturbate me to orgasm if I couldn't come inside her.  She also didn't make a big deal of it when I started being able to come inside her again.  This was great, since any pressure from her at any stage would undoubtedly made the problem worse.  I still suspect that it did matter to her, I don't see how it couldn't, but she certainly acted convincingly that it didn't matter and that helped.

It could be your new guy is holding back on his orgasm, to make sex last longer, possibly for his own benefit, quite possibly for yours.  My wife encouraged me (once I was inside her) to come as soon as I wanted to, don't hold back, convinced me that what she really wanted was to feel me come inside her as soon as possible (but didn't make any deal out of it if I didn't!).

If you've been having sex for a several minutes and it is clear he isn't going to make it, you could offer to masturbate and/or fellate him to orgasm - maybe not as good as him coming inside you, but at least you'd be involved in his orgasm, and it could help boost his confidence.

For me, a really hot and rampant sex session helped, I was just so turned on I had to come, and fast.  Can't remember what sparked it, sometimes it just happens like that.  We tried something new that we hadn't done before (there's not many of those left after 16 years together!), that turned me on.  After that my confidence was improved.

The last thing I want to do is tell a stranger how to conduct their sex lives, but having been through this I thought I should share my views and experience, and I hope you take from it what may be useful to you, and take it in the spirit it is given :-)

[glock17]

so ive been looking online everywhere to find someone to help me.
i recently started dating this guy, and we are really falling for each other.
he say im the best thing thats ever happened to him and he enjoys being with me more than anything
we had sex for the first time, were at it for hours... NOTHING
i had mulitiple orgasms... him however, just couldnt.
he said it was great sex but he just didnt finnish... WHY!
it was the right moment, very romantic, but nothin'.
previously i have performed oral sex on him, about a week earlier and it took
a very very LONNNNGG time.
ive never had this happen and i was juwst wondering, is it normal.
should a guy, who is very young and fit be unable to have an orgasm?

AK

[SeriousSam]

He's probably nervous, and circumcised.  Or if he's doing it on purpose he could just be using ejaculatory control techniques.  Look up inhibited male orgasm.

I know a lot of women get psyched out about that but maybe if he's having fun you may just want to let the topic go?

[crazywillie]

I think its all in the mind, I am 64 yrs old and have been with 9 different women.

Darn it every time when I first tried to make love with a new partned the rotten thing would go soft, I put it down to expecting it to happen.

One lady in particular I tried for two weeks 3 times a day to reach orgasm, in the finish I had to resort to extreme measures, there were a few workmen outside the house so I opened up the curtains faced our genitals to the window, wallah I reached orgasm in about 2 minutes flat, never had any trouble after that.

Many folks think masturbation wrecks making love to a woman, I have masturbated for 51 years (now 64 didnt wreck things for me), like you I was in my 30s when I had trouble reaching orgasm, I believe the mind plays tricks on us men. if we expect something will go wrong with our love making it will.

Might be time for drastic action like I did, jeez I knew those workmen could not see what was going on but in my mind I thought they could, I have found making love in the back yard on a blanket helps fix mind games, its all to boring doing it in bed all the time.

[jwboh]

I am seeing a new man, and the three times he had orgasm while making love, was through him masturbating and me stimulating his nipple. He was very direct in what he wanted. Prior to this we had a great love making session of kissing, intercourse, oral and manual stimulation, and he seemed to enjoy all of it. I have had orgasm multiple ways with him - oral, manual and intercourse. After the second time of him masturbating to orgasm, I asked him why (in a non-judgemental way) and he indicated he knew exactly what was needed for him to climax. He also told me he masturbated multiple times a day when younger. He has also told me stories about a very active and varied sex life. We are both 48. This is very new to me, and I have not had any where near the variety of sexual experiences as him, as I was married for 23 years. I am wondering about him ever ejaculating inside of me, and how important that is to me. I really like him and he says he has fallen for me, too.

[SeriousSam]

What type of birth control are you using?