Masturbation was not a word in my dictionary when I was 17. I didnt even know what the hell it was because I never had time or exposure to the word. There's something called "ragging" in professional colleges in India, so a senior asked me if I knew how to masturbate. Someone told me the meaning of it, and I never bothered about it because I had higher goals to achieve. Sounds fine until now. Come age 20, I saw a porn image on a computer at a cybercafe. That caused my penis to go up. As far as I remember, I had erections before but nothing to that magnitude. But, its a public place and one obviously feels embarassed if caught in the act.
My father was kind enough to get me a computer with an internet connection which started masturbation addiction, or porn addiction i should say (honestly, I dont know which one). I masturbated maybe 3 times a week or less during that period. It continued for 3 years with some gaps in between because I got busy with study. There was no decline in my study or marks. I passed my course with decent scores. During the fourth year of my college I had a relationship with a girl when I was 21. It lasted for a whole year. Being brought up with conservative ideals, I never had sex with her nor a french kiss. The relationship was my first one. Owing either to my inexperience in such matters or selection criteria of the girl, she decided it wasnt a good relationship to continue. I was heart-broken. I believe everyone or most of the people goes through such phases once in a while. I was introduced to a spiritual person who gave me a photo to pray to and meditation. He was an aura reader and said I had made "a mess of my life". At that point I didnt understand what this mess was. But neither did I have the mind to ask him. I decided to do meditation. The addiction to porn however did not go. I continued to masturbate cause the urge was so strong, that small periods of abstinence would make me irritable. I would throw things in the house. None of this affected my education or career significantly at that point. I was a top scorer in exams. I went abroad for further studies. The spiritual person I talked about had advised me that I would fall in trouble if I had relationship with any girl abroad since he foresaw events. My trust in his word was so much that I never had a relationship with a girl during this period. I got addicted to porn so much during this period that I would masturbate once daily, either by compulsion or to go to sleep. Being anxious in nature and depressed most of the time, it only increased my obsession with porn. Masturbation became a bad habit to release tension (not just sexual tension). I decided it was time to get married to a girl, but the relationship did not work (it was not related to masturbation or porn, cause I was very happy with her. She had other plans....so we broke up). Well, you guessed it right. Loneliness crept in again. For the next 2 years, I masturbated almost every night because I wouldnt be able to sleep otherwise. My performance at work did not go down, but I felt tired all the time, more than I generally would otherwise. I became more irritable, reclusive and lonely. No one to talk to. Slowly but surely enough I felt "old". I completed my course and took a job which involved night work, sometimes 36 hours straight. I did that job for 8 months, but quit since I could not take that stress level (working 230 hours a month wasnt easy). When I went back to the spiritual guru, he said I had wasted all my energy in masturbation and lost a lot of vital energy. When I asked him if there was a way to regain this vital energy, he said there is a quota for everyone and we cannot get more. Despite all that praying and meditation, I couldnt control masturbation or addiction to porn. I began feeling pain in both of my legs, back pain, lethargy, no interest in actvities. No interest in interaction with friends or near ones. I have lost focus in my life. My sleep is not fulfilling. My career interests are down the drain. I dont know what to believe in anymore. Where did I go wrong? did I follow a wrong person?Did I masturbate too much to deplete all this vital energy....? I have stopped watching porn and masturbating and have been so for 2 weeks. I dont know who to trust or what to believe anymore. If someone can help me with these issues, I would be grateful.
I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you, you are like anybody else. A biological system can be easily recouped. First of all you forget all your worries about your guilt, because, you have not done anything wrong. Your body weakness is just related to the stressful job you have done. Be happy, have friends, take interest in life and career, improve your health by taking balanced food and exercises, do not get stuck with spiritual Gurus, have your own outlook of life, get married to a homely girl form India and get settled in life with a nice job and enjoy life.
Wish you the best,
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