mid 20s and wife has no interest in sex

[bub716]

I've been married to my wife for a little over 2 years - we are in our mid 20s and have no kids. She has essentially no interest in sex. We have sex maybe once per month at the most and even then she's reluctant. We've been dating forever and since high school she was never been all over me - we didn't do it that much before marriage but then again we didn't spend every night together back then so it wasn't so noticeable.

I gave up on initiating it a while ago because I got so sick of getting shot down all the time and I thought maybe making her come to me would work better but it hasn't. Sometimes I can't help myself and still make it very clear that I want it which still rarely works and results in my getting very frustrated and angry. If she has any excuse she'll use it - otherwise she'll just say she doesn't want to and she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sometimes now I've resorted to just asking on the off chance she'll go for it (romantic, I know). She's a very competitive person and it almost seems like to her when we have sex I have somehow beaten her... I don't really understand it and it's hard to describe.

I stay in good shape. I wish she exercised but she still looks good and I want her pretty much every time I see her with half her clothes off. We work funny hours (a lot of night shifts) but honestly I don't think this has anything to do with the problem - I'm pretty sure spending more nights together would just result my being angry and frustrated more often.

I don't know what to do. I do love her and would feel horrible about doing anything on the side or even threatening to do it. Other than this our relationship is pretty good - sometimes a lot better than others. It just feels like a very important piece is completely absent. I think she'd be lost without me and I feel terrible when I think about dumping her just over sex but when we go away for a long weekend at a B&B in the mountains and I don't get laid once it's really hard not to. We're in our 20s for crying out loud!

Has anyone had an experience like this and somehow resolved it? If you have any advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

[SixStringer]

While I can understand your desperation, I do not feel that adult web sites or photos and videos will win over your girlfriend.  If anything, it might make her "clam up" sexually even more, if that's possible, from your description.  Many women (most?) would not be turned on by such materials in a way that men would be excited.  She could view these materials as an indication of your lack of caring or lack of emotion as it relates to sexual relations.  It is hard to generalize, but women do not have an on/off switch for use when sex is wanted by the male partner and have more of a need for "making love" than "having sex".  Only you can tell the seriousness of this situation, as you are there "on the ground", but it is hard for me to see any improvement any time soon.

[Bsmitty]

I am also in my mid 20's. I am not married yet though.  I know that my girlfriend loves me to death and I love her the same.  We have a love life that is a mix of both of yours.  My sexual desire has always been much, much, much more intense than hers (100% faithful though).  I figured we would probably grow through this but recently I have realized that this may not happen.

A few months ago my girlfriend and I embarked on a 7 day cruise in the Caribbean together. It was virtually sexless until I practically begged (and got pissed off) toward the end of the trip.  I am hoping to find her inner sexual beast but the longer we are together the more discouraged I become.    

There have been a few things that I have tried lately which did not work.  First, I intentionally let her find a few adult web sites on my recent web sites list, and she did not even bother to question why I had them (which is good).  Then, I decided to have an easy to find video and picture folder with all kinds of dirty videos and pictures.  I checked the file activity and noticed that she had looked at all of them.  

I had hoped that this would make her see that I have sex on my mind more often than she does.  She has never changed her attitude or sexual desire and only comments on how so much more of a horn dog I am than she is?.?.?  Doesn't that seem wierd?  What is your advice?

[robotguy77]

Going through a similar situation. I have not yet resolved mine. It's so much more complicated than people think it is isn't it?

Anyway, first off if she is on hormone birth control, find another solution. Those hormones can really screw up a woman's libido. think about it, if her body thinks she is pregnant, why would it bother giving her a libido. look into an one of those copper things. If this isn't the problem, well I don't know. I am in the same boat.

I hear what you are saying about the "beaten her" thing. With mine, I feel like she doesn't want give me something I haven't earned. We used to do it all the time and we went through a on/off phase and I think she feels I need to prove my love again or something. The thing is, I know I have proven it, but she uses it as an excuse and I don't think she really even knows why she doesn't want to have sex with me.

When you figure it out, let me know.

[SeriousSam]

I know someone who did and it ended in a messy divorce.  Get counseling or get a divorce before you have kids.