should i kill myself?

[imhotep198]

Hi. This is a very long and disgusting story to which i take no pride in sharing, but i must do so in order to get a proper diagnosis, so please excuse me. I have a set of problems and i really don't know which is causing the other. Because it is a long story, i will state my 2 main concerns, in order for you not to get lost. Erectile dysfunction and gonorhea. I will start from the begining. I started masturbating at the age of 13, even before I reached puberty at the age of 15. And when i reached it, i continued to do so, but due to ignorence, i used to block the semen from coming out of my penis during orgasm. Naturally, in time, i developed varicocele in my left testicle and was having (and still have) pus in my semen whenever i masturbate, which then i had it diagnosed by a professional who explained it to be dead semen because overheating of the testicle due to it being completely covered by varicocele. As i grew older, i continued to masturbate excessively (some days i did it 10 times) but without stoping the semen anymore. With aging, the number of times reduced significantly down to 3 or times because my penis just would not get an erection. Then, recently (as i reached the age of 33) i started to have problems passing urine, i really needed to squeeze in order to get all the urine out of my bladder. I went to a doctor who run volume tests several times and advised Cystoscopy, which i stupidly agreed to. After the procedure, He said he found some blockage (cest) which he removed. At that time, i was having an afair with a prostitue (again, please excuse me) but we never had sex. We just used to tease (up till that time i was still a virgin). Then one day after the operation while we are teasing, i couldn't hold it and it just happened that we had unprotected sex. she was a very clean lady, very professional, she had a vaginal condom and she had never had unprotected sex before, she only did it with me cause she trusts me because i was a virgin. As we had sex, it only lasted for a minute as this was my first time. I got scared because i came quickly but then we had a second time which lasted longer, but i couldn't help but notice a burning sensation in my penis which was similar to that i felt after the Cystoscopy. So again i came in a very short time. Then after a couple of days, i returned to her and because of my fear, i took a viagra pill. Then days after that, i started having penile discharge. I went to a doctor who said it was gonorrhoea. I thought i got the infection from the prostitute and had her tested but she was clean. And even my culture came out negative! The doctor said it is a non bacterial infection!!! Anyhow, he gave me a treatment CEFTRIAXONE with doxycyline, which worked. I cut my relation with the girl. I returned back to masturbation. Then after a while, the discharge started again. And for 1 years, the condition kept repeating, everytime i masturbate and sometimes even if don't. The doctor told me it could be the Cystoscopy or the lack of sexual intercourse. I was a bit chubby back then, so i decided to get in shape, i lifted weights, but my body was lacking proper nutrition, so a friend advised me to supplement. I started taking optimum nutition 100% whey protein, n.o.xplode (nitic oxide/L-argininge), creatine and glutamine. I added extra mjscle and body was very fit. then got into a relationship with another girl, who also turned out to be a prostitute (again, please excuse me). Again, i fell into unprotected sex, and again the discharge returned. However, this one actually quit her job and wanted to settle down with me. Already, I took the CEFTRIAXONE and doxycycline over and over by now. And when the girl settled down with me, we were having sex a lot and to my surprise the discharge did not occur. My body was very fit and everything was great but due to our relationship, i stopped working out and supplements. I began to notice times when my penis just wouldn't work. Then, one night i wanted to impress her and took a viagra pill, we had a lot of sex, and then the discharge returned. Then i decided to change my way of treatment and started to rely on herbal stuff, especially water and raw manuka honey, and for a big while, the discharge stopped. My relationship with the girl continued and no discharge was happening. Then as we got closer to marriage, she started panicking and she just abandoned me, after i spent almost all my money on wedding preparation and even took a loan. Later i also found out she was pregnant and had an abortion. She then completely cut off all communications. I was devastated, and the it was a scandal in the family for cancelling the wedding. I fell into depression, lost all my muscle and health deteriorated, i became very skinny. Then, whenever i had a relationship, when we get into sex, my penis loses erection even during the intercourse especially if i start to perform faster movement and heart rate elevates. it is worth the mentioning that all subsequent intercourses to the girl i almost married, they all had relatively larger vaginas, i do not even notice if they had orgasms or not... i almost never had this issue with my girl in the beginning of our relationship, maybe once or twice, at the time when i had the viagra pill. But especially before the break up when we used to fight, it also happened with her. I would be fully erect, and then she tells me to switch off the light, and just in those couple of seconds, my penis is flaccid. of course, the discharge also has returned. Now i don't know, what is the main cause of my erectile dysfunction? Lack of exercise? Dependency to viagra only had 4 pills during a span of 2 years)? Dependency to supplements (especially l-arginine, i used to have it daily for almost 3 months)? Depression and posttraumatic stress disorder? Or maybe even heart disease (increased movement greatly affects decline speed of erection)? Or something wrong happened in the cystoscopy? And why is the discharge returning? And how come all cultures come back negative? Is it possible that with excessive sexual intercourse (a prostitute) even if she makes sure men use condoms, that she would develope some kind of infection that is similar to gonorhea? Is it because i relied on herbal medicine and gonorhea caused the erectile dysfunction? I am really sorry, please forgive the gory details. I assure you, i am much ashamed of my story, but i really don't know what to do. I am too ashamed to share any of these details with any doctor in person. Please help me. I am about to give up on my entire life and commit suicide.

[Sara_MHModerator]

Hi there.  I'm very sorry to read of this situation and how badly you are feeling about it. You've received excellent supportive advice above and we've also sent some information to your inbox through our private messaging system.  If we can help in any other way, please let us know.  All the best to you.  

[AnnieBrooke]

I feel you should see a different doctor, perhaps on the faculty of a teaching hospital, and get a complete work-up to discover what the discharge is.  Have you ever had a surgery to repair the varicocele?  

When you get the diagnosis from the medical doctor, also ask for a referral to a therapist, and talk over the part where you feel so badly about yourself that you feel like suicide.  It is emotionally difficult to have a medical condition you don't understand, but it is possible that your physical issues can be cured, making it a shame to jump to such a long-term solution before you even know if your problem has an answer.  If the new doctor is a stranger to you, you should be able to just blurt out your problems, or write them out and hand the page to the doctor and have him read it if you cannot bring yourself to say the words aloud.  It seems better than remaining silent if the price you are considering for being too embarrassed to talk to a doctor is to kill yourself.  That is too high a price.

Where do you suppose you got gonorrhea if you were a virgin and your girlfriend didn't have it?  That seems very odd to me.  Do you think there is a chance she actually did have it and just told you that she didn't?

[imhotep198]

That's the point, even my gonorrhea, the doctor said it is none bacterial or none something, i honestly can't remember. My gf never had discharge in underwear, i know cause we used to do laundry together. Besides, isn't it curable? So why does it keep coming, everytime i have sex after a period of no intercourse? And is it that when a girl has a lot of intercourse she might just have inflamation or infection that might infect me that might look like gonorhea but it isn't really gonorhea?

[imhotep198]

The problem is i don't even know which doctor specialty can help me?

[Dalubaba]

I read your case history completely. It is difficult to advise you in writing even if I know the answer. It is very complicated situation. You will have to keep your sexual activity out of you menu till you are okay. Take a complete treatment till you are completely okay.Sex is just one activity of life. There are many other interesting activities in life which you can enjoy. Start your sexual activity after getting total improvement of your sexual health................I do hope some one gives you more specific reply to solve your problem.Wish you best of luck.