stressed

[goingcrazy30]

OK guys I need your help. I have been married for 9 years,a couple of kids. I love my wife but we just dont have what I thought we had to survive  50+ years of marriage. Ive always felt something was missing. I realized one day how much time had gone by and we are still the same,and always will be.
I have a very dear friend of many years. When we are together I see more and more I was meant to be with her. An unconditional Platonic love has evolved into more. I thought I knew what true love was until her. She is all I have ever wanted in a partner for life. we have never acted upon any feelings,obviously.
All too many people are with the wrong spouse and I believe I too have created this fate. So what to do-Thats my dillema

[007swife]

I read once somewhere that we all have soulmates, and people who make us feel complete.  And, unfortunately those people arent always our spouses.  You may really like this other person, that doesnt mean she is meant for you.  Your head is probably all cloudy.  Now everytime your around your wife, your going to see less and less of who she really is when your heart wants to be in someone else's hands.  Try not to rouine everyones lives.  its heartbreaking to love someone other than the one your married to and not be with that person....have you told her how you feel?  She might just think your totally insane and you will go breaking up your marriage for what?????  Think,think, THINK.  Some people are meant for eachother, and some people are just temptation.  And, if you were friends with her for so long, why then did you marry someone else?  SO you made huge plans for your life with someone else and didnt think it thru?  Temporary insanity?  You obviously loved your wife enough to make her yours.  Life is all about the choices you make.  Good Luck making yours!  Everything happens for a reason.  How will you feel if you leave her, and 20 years from now your ex-wife if happily remarried and you sit all alone.  You never can tell, but think this one thru - some choices you can only make ONCE.

[cheery]

You need to stop seeing this other woman. I realize you are not seeing her intimately- but even in group settings. Stop seeing her. Period. Love is a choice. One we have to make evey day. Whatever has happened in your marriage is as much your fault as your wifes. Here is a little secret- start treating her like you did when you first met. Bring her flowers, take her on dates, call her in the middle of the day and tell her you love her. Do you know what will happen? You will start getting your feelings for her back. And she will respond in like.

If you want a better marriage then take the initive and make it better. If there is something missing (romance, sex, love, that spark), then work on creating it there. Hanging out with this other woman will only cause you grief. Do you really want to sacrifice everything you have worked for? It is not worth it.

Take care!

[4meg]

I didn't say they should have an "open marriage". i said for things to get out in the open ,like their feelings. I've been married happily 14yrs. with 3 kids, and if you aren't honest about your feelings and able to discuss them, it won't last. and he will be looking for someone he can talk to.  so will she. - original poster; i don't think you should ever consider splitting up your family, unless there was no other option. you must be honest with your feelings and help your wife to be honest with hers. I would try it by getting her to tell you her deep thoughts first, ask her if she's getting what she needs in the relationship. by helping her you will help your self and open the bridge to new communication between each other.

[4meg]

Does your wife know your friend? if so, you 3 should talk about the whole situation together. you would be surprised at how things get resolved when they are out in the open. mabye your wife isn't happy either. mabye she needs a great friendship also. if it's brought to her in a gentle and sincere way she may accept things or at least understand. and mabye you and your wife will open new discussions with each other that have never been touched. that could help rebuild your relationship.

[complete]

Hi,You are feeling as the world has past you by,and you have not had the love of your life,but now have found her.Does this sound about right?Well no one knows but you how you feel about your now wife or your new best friend and lover.She aslo is more exciting to touch and to hold,and of course better sex.Its great right?It will never last you are kidding yourself you are suffering what almost everyone goes thru at sometime or another in a marriage.But if you are already having an affair it is going to make no difference what anyone says.If I was you I would make up my mind what I was going to do,and get it done.If you are going to kept seeing her,then you need to get a divorce and dont kept dragging your feet about this and your marriage.I will tell you however that for the other woman it is always better when you are stealing sex from someone else when they are with another person.Dont expect it to stay as exciting to either one of you once you are divorced.I would think long and hard before you start to get a divorce.And one more thing if you stay with your wife and break off the other relationship,please dont ever tell your wife,she will never forget it and will always bring it up later down the road.Find  forgiveness with yourself in your own heart ,mind and with your maker.Do not seek the forgiveness from your wife,for she is not your forgiver it will take you to forgive yourself!

[goingcrazy30]

i dont feel like a "teenager in love" Its not the excitement of touching or holding because it hasent happened. And there hasent been any sex. Nor is not having that make me want her any more. I know that the grass is not greener on the other side. I think I have reached a crossroads in my life. Its not the excitment. Its the emotional peace and clarity we have when we are together, alone or with friends. True friendship,true understanding and acceptance of one another. To look at one another and know whats in their heart and soul and cannot act upon,and still has not been discussed is terribly sad for me.And if I am right for her also. Typing this is making me understand what I need to do. I would rather wait my entire life for a 1/3 of what we have then spending it with the wrong one.

[girl522]

Before you make any decisions you really need to evaluate your situation with your family.  As we get older and start families life gets a lot more stressful.  Try to remember when you started to feel like this...is there any situation that happened?  Try to remember why you fell in love with her to begin with.  Relationships and love are not like in the movies.  They take work.  Maybe you two need to spend more time together, try new things or take a vacation without the kids.  I would try to stay away from that other women and fix things with your wife.  As the others said the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  And divorces can be ugly and hurt the kids as well.

[PammySue]

Once you let feelings start to grow for someone else, the feelings for your spouse will surely begin to diminish - fact.  You will certainly find fault with almost everything they do and only the good feelings that you have for the other person will be able to surface.  Eventually, you WILL act upon those feelings.

You had first better evaluate (truly evaluate) your feelings for your wife and family life.  Remember, grass always looks greener on the other side, when in most cases, it's just as damn brown as on the side you're on.

When, and only then, do you ask yourself if giving up your family (and that is what will happen), if it is worth it to be with this person.  If your answer is no, then ALIENATE yourself from this person and NEVER see her again.  It is the only way to be sure that you can stop those feelings you're having for her.  Otherwise, they will continue to flourish and you will almost certainly act upon them.

And, unless your wife is open to having an "open marriage", I doubt she will be willing to share you.

[siren of the sea]

nobody can tell you what to do that is a choice you have to make. but my suggestion? i have been through divorce. its ugly. dealt with cheating its heartbreaking. maybe try councling and see if that doesnt work go to the next step whatever that might be. remember the children are affected by cheating. they so much are even if they dont know. i am not saying you would, just giving my 2 cents! good luck to you