what happened to me

[worried48]

I been married 17 years with kids. I had an affair my wife doesnt know about. I thought it was a one time deal until I did it again,thought the guilt was bad enough tyhe first time. I couldnt believe I did it again. In the last 18 months I have gone to 4 escorts each time convinced i w ouldnt do it again. The guilt leads me to hiv testing  I find out im negative and do it again. I know I need help,i dont know what to do i want to understand why i keep doing this  my wife will die if i tell her what have i done

[rusalka]

Maybe she is dying, you could be a carrier and passed it onto her.   That is so nasty. You need counselling and sorry to say your wife needs testing too. It is so sad you should be spending time with your kids and wife.  Sex is not like a piece of chocolate it has consequences. Sure you make one mistake but to keep going back. You are going to have to fess up and hope to god you don't lose your wife, kids, the house, the bank account. Jeez! You have an addiction. The addiction is not to be caught not the sex.  See a counsellor first, then get your wife to go with you at the request of the counsellor. It may save something but I am not sure. She's going to freak.

[rusalka]

Well I hope I scared you. You wife probably won't get it but you may have contracted. Herpes, warts or another std. Really.. Be a man get counselling and go back to your wife and love her to death. If you are feeling ashamed and guilty you obviously do love her. Take  care. rusalka

[worthlesslife]

That's lame. My incredibly hot wife who gave me sex more than once a day until we had children is now an incredibly hot wife who never gives me any sex whatsoever. I'm sex-starved, but I'm not going to see prostitutes. What you've done is wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself. Use your hand and jerk yourself off if you can't get it at home. Leave the prostitutes alone. Man, you're sick.

[monkeyflower]

Jeez, what is it with all the judgements and scare tactics? Sheesh. The guy is looking for help, not criticism. If you don't feel you can offer constructive advice, help or empathy, then don't respond at all.

To the original poster: First of all, was this unprotected sex? If not, then you don't have to worry about STDs. If it was, the risks of various STDs vary (but the risk of HIV is VERY low). Get tested. And despite what another poster said, you cannot be a carrier if you are not infected yourself, sheesh.

Anyway, I would do two things. First, I'd give serious thought to what is going on when you go out. What are you thinking? How's your relationship with your wife? With yourself? Pay close attention next time you have this urge, and see if you can figure out what's triggering it. Second, I'd suggest seeing a sex therapist. They're regular therapists with additional training in sexuality, and will be able to offer you much better and hopefully sex-positive advice.

[siren of the sea]

i dont know if telling your wife is a good idea right now. you need to get into some therapy to help you get over this first. unless perhaps you dont want to stop this behavior then tell her so she can leave. it isnt fair. i understand you are having some issues and not sure what to do but she is at home thinking she is with a honest and loving man. please do the right thing which ever it may be.

[stillcurious]

get yourself fitted with a chastity device and give her the key

[siren of the sea]

even though we may think this mans behavior isnt appropriate to say the least is that the best advise you can give? now really if i came to you for advice id rather you keep it to yourself

[stillcurious]

if my post offended anyone, please accept my apologies.  i meant it as a light joke, but i in no way intend to make light of worried48's struggle.  i cannot imagine the guilt that would go along with a situation like that.  but it seems to me that worried48 is dealing with an issue of self-control.  as much as he wants to be faithful, he lacks the control to make it happen.  in this vain, my lighthearted advice was to try giving control to the one he wants to be faithful to.  of course, that doesn't address the underlying issue of the lack of self control, but at least it would put a stop to the downward spiral of betrayal, then guilt, then lack of self esteem, leading to more betrayal, etc., etc. until the underlying issues can be dealt with.

worried48, your problem seems psychological to me, and i think it has gone far enough that you will need professional help to get it under control.  you are putting yourself and the one you love in extreme danger, and she deserves to know, as her health is at risk as well.  if you can't get it under control, you HAVE to give control to someone who can.  that doesnt literally mean a chastity device, but a therapist and your wife can help you if you will give them a chance.  i would say start with the therapist yourself, and try to find the best way to tell your wife, in a context where she understands you have a problem and it in no way represents your loss of love for her or your dissatisfaction with her as a lover, as that is how a female will interpret infidelity.

you may think that shielding her from the truth just comes out of your concern and love for her, but you are in denial.  you are not treating her with the respect she deserves.  you are being selfish and weak, and you need help.  I sincerely hope you are able to get the help you need.  if you are religious at all, consider prayer and asking God, your church, and your wife for forgiveness and support.

[siren of the sea]

WHAT A GREAT STATEMENT!! KUDOS