wife has no interest in sex

[lonely in canada]

i am 31 years old,my wife is 41.at the start we did have sex than basiclly a wall came up after 6 months.we have been toghter for 3 years.i am the only one who tries to set the mood.i have asked if it was me or something i have done.she says its here.shenever wants to talk about it.i honestly believe it is me.
when i do get sex it is usally get on,get in,get off.it really bugs me,because i feel bad.she says it is fine.i just fine it hard to believe.
when we do kiss there is never a passion kiss.it like kissing a friend.
   what do i do?

[siren of the sea]

from a female perspective and im sorry to say sounds like maybe she is having an issue with herself or your marriage. i dont understand the not talking. comminucation is the only way to keep a relationship alive and healthy. other than sex how is your relationship? when i was in a relationship where i didnt really want to be in anymore it was like that. i suggest councling. of course there is a reason and she owes you an answer. im in my 30's and sex for me is important! maybe at 40 it changes, even though i know friends that age that want it all them time still. demand to know i guess and see what she has to say. i hope it all works out for you.

[rusalka]

Maybe it is your relationship. Maybe she is going through a hormone change. Or as women are, very busy all day and week and too damn tired when they get home to be romantic or want sex.  It happens you need to sit and talk together about it and get her to open up. Don't be accusative.  She said its here. What is here?

[worthlesslife]

At least you're still getting off. Trust me, it could be worse.

[siren of the sea]

i am thinking that mr of hot as hell is a fake. i think he is probably 5'2 beer gut and eating an old balogna sandwich. i have told him a thing or two as well but he hasnt appeard since us gals told him what we think. i feel for any posters that want an honest answer and they just get melarky from this man. ok i was rude worthless but i just cant help myself!

[All Alone]

Any follow-up to this thread? I'm curious to hear about any progress regarding this issue. Women in their forties, generally speaking, are very much into sex (Sailor's Wife, if sex is important to you now, just wait 'til you cross that four-oh line).

One possibility no one mentioned here - and I hate to be the tardy pessimist - is that your wife might be cheating. I hope that's not true, but it certainly seems like a reasonable possibility, considering the way you described her actions/attitude.

Again, I sincerely hope infidelity is not the case here. And I think glad2bamom's advice is the best you can get. Please keep us posted as to the progress of your situation.

[allie02]

I know that some woman start to go through Menopause at 40 and thier hormones do change and they may not be in the mood becuase thier feeling bad about themselves and incompetent in keeping you happy I do not not think it is you that she is having issues with I think she is having some woman issues of her own right know and yes I do feel that she does need to comunicate with you about her feelings so that you can better understand her as well as she understanding you. I suggest asking her how can I make you happy, If you could have anything your heart dreamed of what would it be and you would be suprised of her reaction. Maybe she just wants some extra TLC tender loving care from you. Its worth a shot and I hope it all works out.

Best Wishes to you.

[justawife816]

Hi,

I have been having the some problems regarding sex with my husband. The difference is that my husband is uninterested in knowing why, and does not want to communicate about in any way, so the problems persists. My husband is not interested in my having an orgasm, he is really fast, our lovemaking quickly happens inside of 5 minutes, which does not encourage me to want to have sex at all. I sort of feel like the wife in the movie "waitress" the difference is, I am not pregnant and just lost my job so financially dependent and don't have the cute doctor to distract me. I feel trapped. I feel controlled in every aspect in this relationship and not like his equal. When I try to talk to him he always responds with "I don't understand because I am very happy" That ends the conversation because if he is happy then it must mean that I am or should be. I have stopped communicating at all. To the outside world we have the image of a newly married couple because my husband appears so very attentive in public I am the envy of all my friends, so it leaves me without an ally or friend. Help me understand how to deal with this. I am 46, and have been married 6 years, and it is my first marriage. WHile i don't want a divorce, I don't know how to change my life. Thanks.

[j7653]

The problems you are describing unfortunately seem to be too common.  It is hard to deal with because you start to feel bad about yourself.  You keep looking at yourself as the reason why your partner is not interested.  But I can tell you from my experiece... if you are doing all the right things, then it is not you.

My wife and I had a very good sex life for most of our marraige.  In fact she was the "aggressor".  Then around 1-2 years ago she just was not interested.  Since that time I have tried in vane to turn things around.  I tell her she is pretty, I come on to her, I help around the house, we dont argue, I am fit and attractive (so I am told), etc...

1. I can suggest something which has helped a small bit....think about how you were when your wife first met you.  What was it about you that she liked and found attractive.  Try to work on that.
2. Think about what you might be doing that you dont even know that might bother her.  My wife says I started being too controlling which I didnt see.  But if she sees it as a problem then it must be a problem.  I learned that her mother and previous boyfriends were controlling.
3. Work on yourself to make sure you are or continue to be happy, healthy, and fit.
4.  This is the hardest... try to accept that change occurs in life.  You need to decide if it is something you can learn to live with, or....not