Alcoholic? Problem drinker? Or is it just my problem?

[plzdontask]

I am concerned about my husband’s drinking. We’ve been married 6+ yrs, I’ve known him for 8. When we met & married he often had 2 glasses wine with dinner and drank socially, but he mentioned once that he “drank too much before we met”. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Soon after we married his mother became terminally ill & he started drinking heavily. It can come and go for months at a time. He can go a few days, but I don’t think ever a full week, without some alcohol. More often than not he consumes at least 4 oz of bourbon every night for weeks on end, a few nights a week more. Heavier drinking (til he's drunk) is usually on weekends, but once in a while he drinks on a weeknight & either has trouble getting up for work or calls in sick. He may not pass out but does bump into furniture, drop things, slur speech and not always make sense when drunk. He drinks alone. I suspect depression. He keeps refills in the basement & pours most of his drinks (w/ diet coke) when I’m not around to hide from me, so total amounts I don’t know. He is in his late 50’s, maybe 30-40 lbs overweight, has always struggled with it. 4 yrs ago he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I don’t know what meds he takes but they do include metformin. By Dr’s orders he blood tests just once daily (morning), pills 2x day. That hasn’t changed in 4 yrs. Don’t believe the #, amount or strength of meds has changed much either. I no longer try to talk with him about his drinking, it only caused friction. He insisted he doesn’t have a problem, could quit if he wanted but doesn’t want to. He said I have the problem, that because I was raised in non-drinking household & don’t drink much myself that I have a skewed view of what is “just normal drinking.” (his words)

My questions are:

Does this sound like problem drinking or not? Am I overly concerned? It upsets me, but am I being unreasonable about it? He is not violent, not verbally or physically abusive, but it does impact the family in other ways- his sleep schedule is irratic, he doesn't always have energy to participate, his memory seems to be affected. Also, I just can’t help my feelings of annoyance, distrust, etc… which impacts our relationship.

What could be happening to his liver or kidneys that isn’t getting picked up in annual diabetes tests? He tells me all tests are “okay” each time & that the doctors are not concerned he’s getting worse. Is it possible to drink with diabetes and not have damage? I doubt he tells them he drinks much. Is there a test I should ask him to have them do next time he goes in?

Honestly, there have been nights I wonder if I will wake up next to a dead man, with no warning signs. Is that an unreasonable fear? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

I've looked at Al-anon's site hoping for answers, but I cannot attend the local meetings currently as scheduled. If you have any other sources that might help I'd appreciate the info.

Sorry if this got too long. Thanks for your time.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You are describing a serious drinking problem that will have profound effects if not treated...you are not overblowing anything if what you describe is accurate.  You should seek intervention help if direct talk does not work...find a local alcohol counselor at a treatment center in your community to walk you through the steps you need to take, and how to take them.

[JOGIRL423]

HI,

The first step is always denial...he wont help himself if he doesnt want to no matter how much you beg, please, ask...etc...

Yes, he sounds like he has a problem...and I can tell you that is cant be good for his liver...

I was married to a similar man...I divorced him because he "didn't have a problem" I got sick of him never remembering stuff we talked about, falling asleep in a chair and just getting this stupid look on his face whenever he drank...it got to the point that I hated being around him...

I would strongly suggest you get some counseling for you...and take care of YOU...because when its all said and done, the only one looking out for you is you...

Sorry, if I sound mean...I just so relate to what you are saying, so much so it could have been my ex-husband you are writing about! I wasted too many years trying to "fix" him...and just hate to think about someone else wasting their life with someone who doesnt care how their behaviour is affecting their partner/spouse/family etc.

Good luck to you...
Jo

[plzdontask]

Thanks for your support Jo. I don't think you sound mean, just strong. I am still hopeful that my situation doesn't have to end in divorce, but I am afraid eventually it will if it doesn't change. I hope you've found peace & some happiness now.

[JOGIRL423]

Hi,

Thanks! I was hoping I didnt come across as a meany pants!!

I am married the most wonderful man in the world...after my seperation I was determined NEVER to get married again...then one day I saw this guy walking up to the door of where I was working at the time...and I KNEW he was the one...

I told my co-worker and she said "girl you better get divorced first" LOL! I had been seperated about 2 years at that point.

We have been together for nearly 10 years...married for 6. I have 3 kids, not his, and we adopted 1 child whose parents passed away...I also run a huge non profit...I quit my job to work fulltime and dont get paid to do what I do...not yet anyway...and he is 100% supportive...and I think...would I have this life if I would have stayed with my ex?

The final straw for me with my ex was this...I came home and he was beating my dog...punching him...so I threw him off the dog and threw him out...of course, the next day he didnt remember...

Have you asked him to think about going to counseling? That may help too...

I hope things get better for you soon!
Jogirl423

[silver024]

i have to agree with jo...in the end you only have you..no one else..i have to also agree that it does seem like he has a problem...that its not just you overreacting. Even if you say hes not abusive, physically or mentally...in reality he is abusing his own body..and in a way your relationship. I think he needs to go to counseling..or maybe both of you could go together, maybe he would do better with you being there. if you say he started drinking heavily after his mother became ill..i would think its a sign of depression..that he just doesnt know how to handle it and alcohol was a crutch. Heavy drinking wreaks havoc on your liver and kidneys... Personally i would get move involved in his drs appts, and keep track of his medicines...if hes telling you that all his tests are "ok" but hes hiding alcohol from you...he could be hiding test results. Also its really hard when you dont drink, and your husband does. Recently i went on meds that im not supposed to drink on..and you dont realize how stupid people look when they get a buzz going..until you are sober and everyone else is drinking. You are NOT blowing this out of proportion..you care about him, and i think most people would feel the same way you are. I really hope you can convince him to get help!! best wishes & goodluck!

[plzdontask]

Thanks both of you for your words of encouragement. I need to figure out how to approach this... Trying to do so "head on" has not been at all successful or productive. I wish the dr here had told me what to have him tested for, I'd be willing to call his dr off the record & ask him to run them. If I call without the exact name of the tests I'll probably have to explain a bit & I don't want to. A big problem is that he is employed where he gets his healthcare. (He is not in a healthcare field, don't worry) Understand my dilemma, though? And yes, I'd like to be more involved in his appointments but I often don't know when they are until they're over, and they're an hour away from home anyway. On his lucid days he is quite normal and fun, sometimes a few days go by & I think all will be okay, then whammo! He's drunk again. I agree he could be lying about the test results but I would be surprised at that because he's told me he is scared of dying and it's always a great relief. I just don't get that feeling he's lying about that. Oh well, thanks for listening....

[plzdontask]

Hi, I just wanted you to know my post directly above was meant to include you, too. I had put your name as well but it didn't take I guess. Thanks ladies, I am sure I'll work through this somehow here. I just need to figure out a plan and stick with it instead of being so complacient. Best wishes & Take care :-)

[dr@gn]

I'm 48 years old and with the exception of the diabetes I was your husband.  My wife laid down the law about 15 years ago and I actually stopped drinking for about seven years, but I fell off the wagon in 2001. I was up to a fifth of vodka a night, every night.  It finally got so bad I knew I was going to kill myself and I my doctor told me if I didn't stop I would die anyway. He refered me to an outpatient program, a dual recovery programs depression and alcohol... I was depressed and was using the booze to self-medicate.  This was in 2004.  I did okay for about a year and then went back to drinking... stopped seeing my doctor. I refused to take the anti-depressants (not smart...).  I felt myself cruising back to suicide and found another doctor and begged her to give me the anti-depressants... that was four months ago.  I see her every two weeks and take my meds (never miss a dose).  We do a standard 50 minute session every two weeks and just talk things out.  I haven't had a drink in four months and don't miss it at all.  The AD's take about a month to kick in, but once someone makes the commitment that's often enough.  He's got to make the decision, he's self-medicating to try to make himself feel better... but booze won't work.  Have a heart to heart with him, tell him you love him but you won't stand by and watch him kill himself.  Find a good out-patient program and maybe he'll pull out of it.  If he doesn't help himself he will not survive... you can't make him stop drinking, he's got to take a little initiative himself... you've hung in longer than many women would, so don't think this is your fault.  Good luck, hang in there...

[plzdontask]

Hi Dr@gn & thanks for sharing your info and thoughts. I hope that this time you stick with it and have kicked the alcohol for good. I have a question if you get to read this... if you don't mind sharing an opinion or experience. During the months my husband drinks a lot, I can't help but notice his memory, especially short term, isn't as good as when he stops for several days. I mean, even when he isn't drunk or hasn't even had any yet that day, he still seems to loose things, forget to finish tasks etc. It drives me bonkers. Then it seems like when he hasn't had any (or much) alcohol for several days he doesn't forget things as easily. Does this make sense or am I imagining it?  Did this happen to you or do you know if it's characteristic of over-drinking? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me getting short tempered because I'm so mad inside about the drinking, and then I feel guilty for getting annoyed with something that may be unrelated to the drinking. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thanks so much and I wish you the very best in your recovery! You sound like you really want to stay sober and I'm sure you'll succeed.

[rpatrick40]

Dear Plzdontask:  I am a 40 year old recovering alcoholic (with a degree in Substance Abuse Counseling) who has been sober since January 10, 2003.  If I may, I would like to offer you some insights for your consideration:

1)  Alcoholism is a progressive disease; while it appears that your husband only drank socially (when you first met him), his mother's terminal illness could have been the catalyst to "awaken" the beast.  There's a saying in AA that I like to use sometimes . . . "Just because the circus left town *doesn't* mean that the monkey isn't *still* on your back"!

2)  Although the quantity and frequency of his drinking depends on the day of the week or the situation at hand, it seems to me that your husband is drinking on a *daily* basis.  

3)  The "unmanageable" component of alcoholism is also a strong indicator that your husband has a substance abuse problem (i.e., trouble getting up for work, calling in sick, bumps/stratches from running into furniture).  Also, your husband's drinking is having an *extreme* negative impact on your marriage, which is another "red flag" as I see it.  

4)  Isolation (drinking alone), disception (drinking when you're not home), denial (insisting that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol), low self esteem and depression (alcohol can be *lethal* for diabetics) are all more "red flags".

I can truly relate to many of the things that your husband is doing, as I did them myself when I was drinking!  I make the above observations to further confirm your ideas; you are a very perceptive person and you're quite "on the money" when it comes to recognizing your husband's alcohol abuse.

I agree with other postings that you MUST take care of yourself FIRST!  "Misery loves company" and alcoholics are famous for dragging down with them as many people as possible.  Your husband's road to recovery can ONLY begin once he admits to himself that he, indeed, has a problem (Step One in AA is "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol); that our lives had become unmanageable).  It appears to me that your husband has not reached his "bottom" yet and, unfortunately for those loved ones closest to him who want to see him get better, true recovery begins ONLY after that "bottom" is reached.  Taking care of yourself is an act of self-preservation; when your husband decides to begin the journey to recovery, he will need all of the love and support that only YOU can give.

If it's not possible for you to get to an Al-Anon meeting in your town, may I suggest online support?  Check out "Online Al-Anon Outreach" at www.ola-is.org.  You will find a lot of valuable information in terms of support for yourself as well as proven tools to help you deal with your husband's alcohol abuse.

Please accept my apologies for this "mini-novel"; as you may imagine, this is a VERY personal subject for me.  The "gift" of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was so freely given to me and it is my responsibility (both as an alcoholic and fellow human being) to pass along this precious gift to others.  

My prayers are with you!

[dr@gn]

plzdontask,
          Memory problems... yup drinking definitely had an affect on my short-term memory... it is striking how much better it becomes when I am sober. I'm not sure what component of the drug affects memory, but it is a common side effect of being a drunk.  

There are many roads to recovery, AA is just one of them and it works for many people.  My son has schizophrenia and one of the things that my wife and I discovered is that being part of a support group like AL-ANON is very comforting... finding out that you are not the only one living through a particular circumstance.

Any time,
Dr@gn

[plzdontask]

rpatrick40 & Dr@gn,

Thanks both of you for your input. I checked out the website & will investigate it, thanks for the link. I am having a rough day & your encouragement helps. Also just knowing that it's possible for some people to beat this is helpful, because right now that seems like an impossible dream, since my husband doesn't want to. I thought he would with the diabetes diagnosis- it did scare him and he cut back considerably for about 5 months, during which time he didn't (to my knowledge) have liquor but just wine in moderation. But as soon as he got comfortable with having diabetes and felt it was under control he resumed this behavior.

Anyway, I wish you both well & thanks again.
plzdontask

[Blastkist]

Loving an alcoholic is probably one of the hardest things to do. Sometimes though, we must remember that loving ourselves in the midst of their addiction is paramount to us helping them to get well.

They aren't bad people, they are sick people and we are usually not qualified to help as we don't have the same experience/addiction as they do.

Your local chapter of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) can provide sound information from other alcoholics who HAVE and ARE recovering from this dreadful disease, of alcohol addiction and AL-Anon can assist those who love alcoholics to not only practice self-care and self-love but to also see their part in the dance that make these marriages what they are.  

My heart is with you and I know your pain.  I hope you are able to reach out to those who've gone before and gain from their insight and more importantly , their hope!

(hugs)  May the grace of the divine be with you and yours.

[spankyandrex]

Hi there. I am going through the same exact thing as you are with your husband, exact!  I would like you to e-mail me if possible so we can talk. My email is ***@****.