Anger management

[kitkat31625]

My husband of 3yrs. though a great guy most of the time has episodes of being very moody and a explosive temper. He goes back and forth from calm, sweet and mellow. To moody and short fused. He grew up in an abusive and very unstable childhood. Which is where I think it stems from.  I have two children from a previous marriage and a 2 year old with my husband.
I realize that what one person may find offensive another person will not. During his moody times it seems as to me as if he gets super mad over trivial things. My girls arguing over crayons can just make him seething with anger. It is scary. He turns bright red, starts yelling. On a scale of 1-10 his anger seems to be at a level 9.   He has flew off the handle at me for something simple like the baby spilling a drink on our carpeting. You can't catch everything it happens.
While I was pregnant with the baby. He got mad at one of his bosses lost his temper, swore at the guy, refused to do what was asked and punched out went home.  He almost lost his job over it. They instead but him on a year probation and asked if he would like a anger management class. At the time he declined.
A year later. My husband and I got into a somewhat heated discussion. I was mainly pointing my finger at him. He unexpectantly grabbed/twisted my arm, grabbed me by the neck and held my face down on the table. Then stopped and looked horrified at what he done. It scared me especially that he got so mad just over the fact I was pointing a finger at him. After the episode he did see a counselor for anger management and I went with him. After talking to the counselor a few times. He sent my hubby to see a Psychiatrist mentioning him possibley being bipolar, have ADHD ect...  I didn't go the the appointment with the psychiatrist. He was prescribed Depakote 3 times a day. (Don't know the strength) My hubby only told me that the doctor didn't think that he was bipolar. He took the depakote faithfully for approximately 2 months. I saw a big improvement he wasn't getting these episodes. He agreed it was helping. However started to take it less and less because he was forgetting to take it or it was making him too tired. I could tell when he wasn't taking it. He would start having these episodes again. Now he hasn't taken it at all for what I would say about a month and a half. I haven't seen him taking it and the bottle seems just as full. He is snapping all over again. It is a huge stress for me.I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past. I started having the issues again and started up meds myself. I have talked to him about it. He keeps it under control for a week and then right back the same way. He has not started taking the medication again. My suspicion is that he doesn't feel he needs to take it. When I mentioned that he seemed to be really moody/short fused again was he still taking the med? He asked if I counted them or something? I don't know how to handle the issue with him. Any suggestions?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Its a tough issue because the only one who can really do anything about this is your husband. He should go back to the psychiatrist and ask for counsling as well as medications, and trial on other medications as well if depakote makes him too tired.   He should be on top of this, and you should do what you can to convince him it is essential before he hurts someone, and regrets it the rest of his life.

[Marie/ Canada]

Unfortunately if he is ashamed of his problem or does not think he has one he may not go for help.  I have an anger problem also and for that reason i had to move out of my mom's house (she kicked me out actually).  A person cannot change unless they want to.  I think it's super scary that you and especially your children are witnesses to this wild display of anger.  As you and i both know monkey see monkey do.  Please think of this.  I am in counselling and on meds and i am not perfect but i'm a million times better then what i use to be.....

[Susan234]

What about a family intervention?  Get your parents involved and sit down with him.  Maybe he will go back to the doctor and start over again.  And it would do him a lot of good to go to an anger management therapist.  Your children are involved here, too.  It's not just you and him.  It's you and him and the children and all the people he works with and your friends and family, too.  If he won't go for help, then you need to gather up the kids and leave him.  Someone is going to get hurt here.
Susan

[kitkat31625]

Thank you all for your comments!! All of your concerns are constantly echoing in my head. I know it is a problem that can't be put on a back burner. My husband does admit to having a temper problem. He does try very hard. Which is why I am still here.  He doesn't always talk and share his feelings.  There is many times that when I am discussing something with him that he will just sit there without an kind of expression and not say a word. Leaving me to wonder what is going on in his head. What he is thinking.  My husband is a great guy and an awesome father to all. When he has the mood problem going on though. He is a different person.  It is hard for me because it can come on suddenly and unexpectantly. He goes through stages of being in a great mood then being in a irritable easily agitated one. I know everybody goes through mood changes depending on what is going on in there life. My husband is on a constant cycle. I did talk to my husband since my post. I asked him if everything was okay. He told me that he has not been taking his medication because it makes him tired, depressed and not feeling like doing anything.  I told him that he was an awesmome person but when he gets mood and agitated. That is puts alot of stress on me and I worry about him. I told him that he needed to follow up with his Psychiatrist and tell him the effects of the depakote and that there is alot of different medications he can try. If he doesn't want to take medications he can also try counselling. I asked him if he wants to wait till it gets out of control and he accidentally hurts someone or loses a good job.  He shook his head No.  I told him that I can tell him what I see and how i feel but he is the only one who can do anything about it. I hugged and kissed him. He looked really down and went to bed without eating. He seems okay now. My heart dropped to see him act like that. I hope he does something.  If not I will start counselling myself.

[Susan234]

Maybe you can go with him to counseling.  Maybe that would make him feel better about the whole issue.  He wants to do good for you.  Go to the doctor with him and let him/her know that this medicine makes him feel tired, and he doesn't want to take it, and see if there is anything else that they can prescribe for him.  You are more concerned than he is about this problem, so, yeah, see what the doctors say about it with you there.  You will have to monitor him.  Don't put yourself or your children in harm's way, no matter what.  Take care of yourself.
Susan

[kitkat31625]

Thanks,
My husband know's he is moody and can have a bad temper. Yes, I would agree that he probably isn't as concerned about the issue as I am. Otherwise he would me more on top of it. He probably thinks I am over reacting and that he is not that bad. I am watching the situation very closely, and if it does get worse I will have to make a hard decision. I will not put my myself and especially kids through a bad situation.

[dum]

Hi Joanne1, it seems to me that your husband may have what's called "Borderline Personality Disorder" (BPD).  It is not bipolar, though they could coexist.  If you search the Internet you'll find a lot of information on this condition.  The name suggests it's a condition bordering between neurosis and psychosis.  Many people who suffers it had an unhappy, abusive childhood.  A prominent symptom is the uncontrollable anger that bursts out suddenly for trivial cause.  I'm not a doctor.  I became aware of this condition because a friend I knew behaved the way your husband did.  Let me know any result...  I can understand how hard it is to be in your situation.