Anxiety, Depression, Psychotic Behavior, Not Really Sure

[gtate]

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, along with obsessive thinking and depression but I have a difficult time accepting this diagnosis.All symptoms were first somatic with tingling in my arms and legs.Then began some slight almost black out experiences,sleep disturbances with my body vibrating while I was asleep.All medical tests proved okay,MRI of the brain, thyroid testing,etc.During that time,I had my first intrusive thought of hurting a my first therapist that I had ever seen.She was an elderly lady and the thought came to me that I could take advantage of her.I have never experienced such a situation.As time progressed,I was crying almost everyday as to what my condition was.It came to a point where I became afraid of people.Their appearances were quite disturbing to me.I was not hallucinating but it was as if people seemed like creatures to me and it was quite freightening.I was under my family's care for quite some time and remember a situation that my parents had to babysit my nephew.When my nephew arrived,I experienced so much anger that he was there.I never had any jealousy towards my nephew.He was the joy of my life when I was mentally/emotionally stable. Since that time,I have had thoughts and urges to hurt people.It's not the thought that scares me the most but the urges.Each time an urge would comes my way,I would feel a bit angry as if I would act out on that urge.But eventually I would break down crying because I know that I do not have a history of violence in my family.I also experienced some type of panic attacks that do not resemble the typical panic attacks.I felt nervous at times, reason unknown and would run and cry my way out of a location that I may have been in.However,it did not fit the description of a heart attack, etc. Along with those crying fits came explosive anger that I only showed when I was alone.I was a bit freightened of what I would have done with such an emotion.I would run to my car and eventually break down crying as this anger came about.I also have feelings of resentment towards my family at times unless I need their emotional support.I have not had resentment towards my family in many years.Whatever issues that I experienced during my adolescent years were behind me.There are now times that I feel normal and feel the need to research my condition and there are other times that I dont feel alright.  My thought process is scatterred.  My mind plays tricks on me, ie, people viewed as creatures but when I am forced in a situation where I need to be myself,I can  pull it off as if I gain my confidence back but buried in the back of my brain are all past experiences, emotions, etc.Something just isnt right.I had feelings of disorientation and depersonalization, I must say but there are so many other things that have occurred.Looking for some feedback,personality disorder,psychotic disorder,mania? All this has happened within an 8 mos period.I'm no longer working & dont attending social functions.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Its impossible to make a diagnosis from your description, and it is not something that can be done online.  But what is obvious is that you are suffering from your own ruminations and struggling with the control of your thought processes.  Medication would be very useful along with psychotherapy to help you make sense out of what you are thinking and feeling.  I can guarantee you that there is some sensible pattern to your thinking, but it will take some joint detective work to figure it out...it is very difficult to do alone.  Get help, and get it soon.