Anxiety over women

[flint]

Let me start out by telling you that I am a 28 year old male.  I guess my problem started around 8 years ago.  I had met this girl and asked her out on a date.  Everything was fine until about an hour into the date.  all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I began to feel sick like I was going to throw up.  I figured that it was just nerves but then I started shaking, sweating and getting real dizzy.  Finally I had to go into the bathroom and throw up.  When I came out of the bathroom, I had to make an excuse to end the date because I was feeling so sick. After dropping off my date, I felt ten times better but still not right. Like I said before, I figured that it was just nerves and a week later I tried again.  Well, the same thing happened all over again with the same symptoms.  As you can imagine this girl thought I was a weido and never called me again. Since that time which is about 8 years ago, I have pretty much avoided women because everytime I try to go out on a date with one I get these symptoms all over again.  Around five years ago, I met this girl that I really liked. We went on a few dates and every time I became sick with all the chills, sweating and naseua. Just talking to her on the phone would make these symptoms kick in. Eventually, we stopped seeing each other because she was frustrated that nothing physical was happening between us.  I wanted to but these feeling are just to powerful and I cant control them.  I think about her a lot and every once and a while I run into her and these symptoms come back.  I have to play it off like everything is fine but im usually on the verge of throwing up.  My day is usully shot after that, as i cannot eat or sleep.  This problem has taken over my life.  I completely avoid any kind of intimacy with women and I fear Im going to be alone forever.  My family and friends are starting to wonder if Im gay because Im always blowing off all these women who like me.  I love women but I cant tell them that I have this "disease" that makes it impossible for me to go out with any of them.  Everything else in my life is great.  I have a great job, my own house, etc. but I feel hollow inside because I want to meet someone and my mind won't let me.  I have tried xanax (1mg), but it doesen't seem to work.  I dont know what to do anymore, all my friends are getting married and im going to be alone forever unless I can figure this out. I know it's all in my mind but I cant controll it even when I try my hardest.
             Anything you can tell me would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is only one thing to do and that is to work on this issue with a very good psychotherapist.  This can be cured by insight.  Find a good one you can talk to freely and you will find out why this happens  and how to stop it....

[rodymu]

Dear Flint,

That's weird indeed! It's clear that your anxiety triggers the symptoms. It seems it has become a kind of phobia.

I suffered from a phobia too and could resolve it by challenging it. In your case, it's rather complicated. It would be great if the last girl you met would be informed about your phobia and if she would be willing to meet you more often. I am sure you would not develop these symptoms anymore after a while.

You probably can not "practice" this with women you don't feel attracted to so I hope your last girl wants to cooperate.

Maybe, if you meet the right woman, you would feel comfortable and would not develop these symptoms?

Do you have similar symptoms if you have to talk to a large group of people for instance?



Good Luck and keep us informed,

Rody

[Try_to_be_social]

There are two types of social anxiety. One is specific; the other is generalized. In specific SA, one may vomit thinking about speaking publicly for instance (please refer to <a href=http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/9/2/21338/04802>http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/9/2/21338/04802</a>).

[TennCare]

I agree with the M.D. who answered your post on Dec.3rd.  You really do need to find a psychotherpist that you can relate to, in order to find out why you are having these anxiety attacks when you take womne out on dates.  It is obviously something deep seated within your personality.  I can only speculate as to why you feel this way.  There is no way one could answer your question, just based on what you said on the internet.  But, I do have some questions that I am wondering about, and wonder if you have thought about:

How was your relationship with your parents and/or other siblings when you grew up?  Was your parents marriage a happy one, or a sad one?  Did something traumatic happen to you in your childhood that made you strongly react to the opposite sex?
From what you say, you are not gay, and really want to get to know women on a deeper level, so I wonder why you are so traumatized by dating a woman.  My significant other, lady friend, told me she got ill and threw up on her first date at age 14, because she was so excited and nervous at the same time.  Of course, she was just a kid at the time, in  her early adolsence, and has since gotten over this.  But, you are a man now 28 years old, and this is not normal for you to behave in this way.  

I feel excited for you because once you put this behind you (get over this anxiety) you will really relish having positive relationships with women.  But, on the other hand, while you are still in the throws of this anxiety, it can only serve to torment you.

As I said earlier, you really do need to find a good psychotheratpist, and the sooner the better.  A lay person like myself just does not have the expertise to do justice to your question.  The best I could do would be to make a guess at your problem, and even if I did find out, it was related to a childhood experience, I would still not know how to tell you how to cope with it.

Good luck to you!

[coolguy57]

I thought i was the only one until i saw south park and i saw this one cartoon stand there and vomit out on que as soon as the girl of his dreams spoke to him.  I too suffer from this diesase or phobia.  For me its so deeply rooted that i am ashamed to speak on it.  It first started for me Three years ago.  I am now 22 years of age.  I went over to speak to this fine spanish chick and with out fear the conversation was going in places i never thought it would go.  Moments later i felt a rush of dizzines and i excused myself to the bathroom.  I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.  That time i didn't vomit but every woman since that i wanted to be intimate with, when i felt things were about to get serious the nerves came a knocking.  And believe me i've tried every pep talk, every mind trick i can imagine.  I don't feel my nerves at all but if i don't get aroussed before the nerves hit...vomit.  Every girl i have to make an excuse.  Who wants to live like this?  My exsistence is pitiful.  My last date i vomitted 6 times 3 in the resuratant and 3 out side of her apartment complex.  I've begged for God to cure me.  To no avail i've resorted to this website because i can't live like this.  Its weird b/c the times i do throw up i really am set on not being nervous.  

I believe i know why i do what i do.  I love women with an overwhelming passion that most people shouldn't have for things.  Now i'm not talking obsession that would be kinda crazy but a love non-the-less.  I've had my internet collections of women on my PC like the next man but why should that qualify me for this phobia?  I think its because i put to much value on the outcome.  My only way to beat it is to spend time with the girl for extensive periods of time and mentally degrade her features.  hey it works to get some!  When that fails i usually have a nice excuse.

[paintby#]

I must say I feel somewhat relieved that I am not alone in this warped head trip warfare.
Although... I am a 25 yr old -woman- suffering through this.
I have always been known to be an "extra sensitive" individual growing up, but did not suffer through this severe anxiety until my mid- teens. It started when I began to date and the thought of having to expose my feelings in such a structured "on the spot" way; dinner and then possible intimacy, scared me to the point of throwing up every time on every date.
I would also have the list of excuses and grew tiresome and embarrassed, nevertheless having a growing sense of  overwhelming self hatred. It got to the point where I literally hid in my house before a "date" and pretended like I wasn't home.
I found it strange that it only happened with those I had an interest for or in which I couldn't completely trust them.
I have had two four year relationships since but began to relate with those who were troubled and unhealthy, therefore setting my boundaries very low so I wouldn't  have to face my demons in the toilet bowl .
It has escalated in the sense with in social situations I am getting sick ; like bars for example.

I am seeing a therapist and Psychologist for not only this problem but for having a troubled past. The only thing that has helped me to have a somewhat enjoyable social life is Klonopin.

A few things I feel are important...
-trusting myself enough to  learn to trust my instincts/decisions in any potential situation.
-Giving myself enough time to base a solid platform of trust with a person.
-honest communication, while not being so hung up on what the other person potentially thinks about me.
-Having a sense of self worth.

It is a long arduous battle, and therefore takes time to sort through all the layers...

Hope to all.

[helltopay]

I have had this anxiety all my life.  I have never dated and have been diagnosed with panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  Unfortunately, I have been having these problems since elementary school, so having problems in this area didn't seem like a particularly awful one to me.
I have mentioned these feelings about the opposite sex to the psychiatrists I have seen, and the fact that I had a step-grandfather accused of having sexually abused his own daughters.  As I grew older the man gave me the creeps, but I never knew why. Whether I was a target for his abuse.....I don't know.  But none of them seemed the least bit interested in it.  So, I just ignore it and live life as best I can.  I'm sure most people assume that I'm gay.  Well, at least that lifestyle is now "in". LOL!
I hope you can overcome this.  I'm rooting for you.