Concerned about too Many drugs...

[Wish_I_Never_Started]

I started on anti-depressants after being in the L.A. earthquake in '94.(Paxil) Since that time, my life is no longer in my control. Each time I try to come off of the drugs, I go into a deeper depression. Has anyone out there experienced this? I was always a high-energy, fun-loving, adventurous, self-confident personality. I should mention that at the time I started anti-depressants I was 44. After the earthquake in January of '94, I was a neighbor of Nicole Brown-Simpson. I lived 1 block away. These 2 incidences were a defining factor in the 4 years I lived in Los Angeles...a very negative place for me. I moved from L.A. to Orlando, FL to be near family (my brother). Not a good move but it seemed a bit more relaxed. I continued with the Paxil because I became physically ill if I did not. In '96 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time I was put on Effexor...did that for a while. Since breast cancer and a few other life altering experiences that have not been in my control, I have been "advised" to continue on anti-depressants. I know the person I WAS is inside me. I think the drugs have killed who I really am. I greive for my old personality. Now I am on Lexapro (20 mgs) and Provigil (200mgs) and my Dr. wants to put on an additional 5 mgs of Adderal and 25 mgs of Seroquel because I still suffer from anxiety and now I am becoming agoraphobia. (I will add that I am in menapause and my mother did suffer from the latter but has never taken any drugs for any of her "problems") I don't know what to do. I never (and no one else who ever knew me) thought I would be in this state of mind. I am so fearful of becoming "crazy" I am beside myself. can someone help me...give me advice...I don't trust doctors anymore...and I have been to many to try and "fix" this. HELP...anyone...please!! Thank you.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The one thing you didn't really try that would be most effective is psychotherapy.  Medications can help but that can't do the job of working out your life fears and getting your life moving in the right direction.  That takes psychological work.  When you are engaged in that process, you can start tapering off most of the medications.

[angel813]

My hope is that you will find some help. I am experiencing some of the same things but for different reasons. I am also in my 40's. I have found over the years that you HAVE to be firm in being your own advocate. No one really seems to care accept you...and the people who love you. Please e-mail me any time you need contact, or we can chat or whatever. Never give up hope. I am desperately trying to keep hope alive. Peace...Angel H

[Kat000]

As a 43 year old female treated for depression since 1994, which began following trauma (husband's terminal cancer) and has recurred and continued through years of difficult situations (other family illnesses and deaths), I understand what you're going through. I've been on various antidepressant meds, which often require adjustments, additions, etc. in an ongoing attempt to make myself feel stable enough to live day to day. By all means, continue to try to find a doctor you are comfortable with - at the least, one who asks specific questions about your symptoms and truly listens to your responses. A local support group would be a good place to find others who may be able to recommend a doctor who has helped them, as well as which ones to avoid.
An important point about antidepressant meds is to be certain the doctor knows about side-effects that continue after taking a drug for a few weeks. I have found that some doctors don't take them into consideration as much as they should. Some side effects can make you feel so miserable, they outweigh the positive effects of the drug. It's also important to share all information about your symptoms. I was afraid that I was "going crazy" when my thought processes were disrupted in ways I did not think were related to depression. But when I spoke openly with my doctor about this, she assured me it was part of the depression, just a part with which I was not familiar.
I too used to have a "bubbly" personality, and be fun-loving and self-confident, and I also have grieved for the person I used to be, who at times still seems to be there, somewhere deep inside of me. Unfortunately, I feel it is the depression rather than the medications which keeps the old me from returning. While I still do not know if I'll ever be that person again, and doubt that I will be, I do know that I'll be okay, because I know my condition is a medically treatable one. I try to think of it like a diabetic may think of their disease - it's not going to be "cured", but with the proper monitoring and medication, it can be controlled and doesn't have to dominate my life.
Hang in there, and best of luck to you.

[angel813]

The posting by Kat000 is one in which I agree. The mourning for the former self can be all absorbing. Try to realize you are still you and can become a better you with the right treatment. I am not the same person I was and have realized I never will be again but I know that " I " am still in there and hopefully becomming better and stronger. One observation in my search for a doctor. When I finally got a female one I have stayed with her and trust her explicitly. I only go to female doctors now unless it is imperative to see a male one for whatever reason. I have found that female doctors tend to listen more, care more, and believe you and not what they have been taught to believe... Good luck and Peace.......

[AmberHunter]

i too can relate about the depression and losing oneself. i have suffered from depression most of my life. one thing that came to mind while reading the original post was that for some people discontinuing SSRI's such as paxil can cause what is referred to as "discontinuation syndrome", not a return of the depression exactly... do some research on withdrawls from this class of drugs and see if that might be what is going on. i had it happen to me after i was on paxil and discontinued taking it. i had to switch to prozac b/c it has a longer half life and i was going to taper off of it but it has worked so well that i have decided to stay on it. and for the first time in god knows how long i feel "normal" and i didn't think i even remembered what that felt like. i had just about given up. please don't give up, miracles can and do happen. you can email me anytime you want: ***@****.

peace,

amber

[kbeck]

I have exactly the same feelings you have.  Wish I'd never began taking 1st Effexor then 2nd Prozac then finally Celexa.  I never took them all at once though.  But I feel the real "me" is lost.  I was once a very happy positive laughing person.  I cry a lot now after weaning myself off Celexa.  I don't like this person I've become.  I cry so much I'm turning my grandchildren away I'm afraid.  I used to love being home alone, reading or watching TV.  Now I fear being alone.  I fear growing old.  I have a husband and I even fear him dying and leaving me.  Does anyone know if these feelings ever leave or has the antidepressants created a totally different depression that we never get over.  I wish I'd never seen an anti-depressant.  I pray you get to feeling better.

[cannedheels]

You shouldn't be depressed permanently, once all  the chemicals are out of your system, and some time has passed you should return to your previous self.

Sharon

[blinder99]

I am a 56 year old male and I have taken effexor, ritilan, remeron, zyprexa, and xanzx for over five years.  I was also in therapy during all of that time.  Just receintly I moved from schedualed appointments to as needed appointments.  During that time I rebeled against the drugs and the therapy but I took every one of the steps reccommended by my therapist, 12 step meetings, ptsd work groups, a one week expieriental immersion therapy and a couple of recharges.. I lost myself found myself and came to a peace with the idea that I simply dont make seratonin and have to take a pill to get it. I reccomend that anyone perscribed medication to combat depression take them for as long as necessary.  Anything is better than the blackness.  I also reccomend the talk therapy it can do wonders and in time it will lead back to the light if one decides that the light is where you would like to truly be.  Ken

[Danny da rude boi]

ive been takin xtc 4 times a wk 4 da lst yr, ive fallen out with most of my friends bcos i used to always be depressed but when i strtd takin MDMA the depression went away i felt born again.
The only problem was that on the nights wen i went out with my
( friends) they wud be all in moods or upset with everyday problems whereas i wud be on anuva planet, i wud be enjoying everything we were doin and tlkin t new people whereas before i wudnt odf dared talk to any one except my friends.I think that either my m8s got jealous of my new found happiness or they werent actually my friends anymor and it was just the xtc makin me think they were my friens.any way oe night we were all chillin out in a caravan drinkin tkin pills xtc. when all off a sudden i became very dizzy and had an unbelievable urge to sleep. so i put my head down this was abawt 12 am the next thing i knnew it was 4 am everyone was sat around me in a circle i felt an explosion in my head then everything seemed so fresh so knew it was like id gone bk t my childhood i dnt know wots up, suddenly i turnd shy around everyone and cant stnd up 4 my self anymore can an1 help?woz i spiked with benzos and knockd unconscious and left with braindamage?
wich no one has commented on
or was i spiked with rohypnol or some date rape drugever since that day i seem t have lost my ego and turnd into a geek bcos i dnt know if they did do anything or if i am just being paranoid , idnt even dare go out of my house anymore can some one help or give me advice?????????
plssssssssssss!

[Danny da rude boi]

this is danny here again i jus like t say things av jus got better ive started on an mdma and benzo mix also phenoxytracillin 6 days a week my brain feels as though ive turned bk to normal agian.
the state Dr, in texas also prescribed me the best drugs ive ever tried for depresson called phenotrophyyan. but i had to stop my prescrip of these wen i went bk t kansas bcos they are a schedule 2 drug in this state. oh well 2 wks on them put me bk in ma tracks.gd luk t eni 1 else in my pos

[Danny da rude boi]

this is danny here again i jus like t say things av jus got better ive started on an mdma and benzo mix also phenoxytracillin 6 days a week my brain feels as though ive turned bk to normal agian.
the state Dr, in texas also prescribed me the best drugs ive ever tried for depresson called phenotrophyyan. but i had to stop my prescrip of these wen i went bk t kansas bcos they are a schedule 2 drug in this state. oh well 2 wks on them put me bk in ma tracks.gd luk t eni 1 else in my pos

[Nicole26]

Hello-
After reading all your posts about depression and how much the medication is affecting all of you, I felt the need to write. My mom, who is 49 years old, has suffered from severe depression since I was born 26 years ago. I remember being little and watching her just lay on the floor or couch not being able to get up. A lot of the times she seemed full of life, energetic, laughing, a loving, wonderful mother and then the depression would just hit out of no where, it seemed like clockwork, once or twice a year it would come and my mother would go from this beautiful laughing woman to this person with no emotion, no energy to get up and get dressed and get out of bed. She always had these horrible visions and thoughts of death and she would tell us kids, it was so hard to hear at such a young age. But then her medication doses would be increased or she would be put on a different medication and she would be okay. But every year, it seemed that when she did get the depression back, it would be worse.  It was hard on all us kids, I have three other siblings. We just wanted our old mom back when the depression would hit.  My mom has been through so much with her depression, just like a lot of people out there. It's not only hard on the person, it's hard on the whole family. It's just such a difficult disease to understand because you can't see what is going on the person's mind, what horrible thoughts are invading them, overcoming their their mind.

About 6 or 7 years ago, my mom hit rock bottom. Her depression was so severe she had to undergoe shock therapy. It was horrible to see my mom in the hospital after one of these treatments. It puts a lot of stress on the body. The shock treatments seemed to help but there wasn't a dramatic change. Over these last 6 years, my mom has been put on every medication it seems. I feel I have the lost the mom I once knew as a young child when the depression hadn't overcome her, laughing, having fun in life, socially active.  Now she just sits at home all day and watches TV. She can't hold a job because her mobility and everyday functions are affected by all the medications she is on! Another thing is that my mom is severely overweight. She weighs over 300 pounds. I fear for her life. All her medications make her drowsy with no energy and some of them are even causing her to gain more weight! With no energy and being drugged up all the time, she has no desire to exercise. This disease is a neverending battle! If she goes off the medication she is on, she gets her depression back. Last year they took her off zyprexa because that's one of the medications that can cause weight gain, and just like that, her depression and thoughts came back, it was really bad. She would call me up telling me she doesn't want to live, that she wants to kill herself. What an awful thing to hear from your mother! The doctors put her back on the medication and she has been on it since but I feel her doctor justs keeps putting her on more and more medication instead of looking at different approaches to make her better! She is not living life! Yes, right now she isn't having any thoughts or depression but she is so drugged up that life is just passing her by. Her memory is really messed up too.  She can't remember things, I talk to her on the phone and she can't remember what I told her yesterday. It's so sad! I feel so lost! I don't know what to do. If my mom doesn't get help soon, I fear the worst. Especially being so overweight, all these medications cannot be good for her body. My father works so hard but they have no money for good doctors. My mom's current doctor was appointed to her by the state since they don't have money or insurance. My mom's family, her brothers and sisters and father, even after all these years she has suffered this illness, still do not support and try to help her, they think it's "all in her head" It's so frustrating, I would like to see them on 5 different high potent medicaions and see how they would act and feel! Currently my mom takes the folowing medications, zyprexa, geodon, celexia, effexor, lithobid. All at once! Every day! I know this can't be good! I've been doing some research on the internet and looking up all the side effects and the average doses. Some of the doses my mom is taking are at the maximum levels or beyond! I need to find my mom a good doctor and closely examine her case and all her medications. Her current doctor doesn't know what he's doing and my mom, being in the medicated state that she is doesn't know what to ask and what to tell the doctor when she goes for an appointment. My dad is always working so he can't go with her. I live 1800 miles from my mom but I'm doing my best to try and help. I know if she found a good doctor that actually cared about her and could see that all these medications are making her numb to life and it's surroundings, things could be better. Does anyone have any suggestions or insight? Has anyone contacted NAMI? Are they helpful in finding good doctors? Thanks for listening to my story, I know it was long, but it helps to get it out. I love my mom with all my heart and I will do anything to help her!

Thank you,
Nicole