Confused

[surrealartist]

Hi,

  Please bear with me on this one...when i was 12, i had my first episode and never got treated for it.  when i was 16, i started hearing voices and thinking astrange things that other just didnt understand: such as i could soul jump from person to person, and  literally step outide my body and see myself from anothers perspective. My parents put me in counceling and they diagnosed me with depression with psychotic features, then to bipolar 2 when i was 18.  when i was 19...i used to believe i was an alien and invisibe.  i used to eat to survive and that was it. the world was fake, like in the movies and the colors of the world were so bright and beautiful.  all throughout this time, i kept hearing voices but they made no sense.  it was like rambelings that continued on and on.  music continuously plays in my head, and sometimes yes...i think that God speaks to me through radios and tv programs (like He is telling me a special message or helping me to understand my destiny).  but i dont think thats psychotic, just spiritual.
  i have been suicidal for the past 12yrs(since i was 12), and the last episode, i decided to go back into therapy.  now...they say i have adult add, generalized anxiety disorder, and they are not sure if i have schitzoaffective disorder or slight schitophrenia.  i am usually a very confused person who does things that are odd to other people.  people have to keep me on track or else i'll switch topics, or just go off somewhere in my mind.  i am very creative person and i can not draw/paint/create reality as people see it.  i see things in a surreal way...
   i am just so confused.  currently i am taking concerta,abilify, and supposed to be taking zoloft for the depression they are not sure i have.  the psych is not sure and is amazed at what i have, and cannot lable it.  he says i have a very high iq,which has helped me to survive because i have developed great problem solving strastegies.   this is all great stuff to hear, but darn...if i cant just feel included in society.  i am currently 24 and am having a hard time accepting anythng to be true since i dont know what is true and niether do the professionals. when i was 19, my councelor told me i was the hardest case she's ever had. the mmri(i think its called...personality test) states that i belong in a mental hospital, and my therpaist recommended i be placed in one.  why? i dont understamd. they dont even know what i have....  please help. i am deperate and out of options.  thank you.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I would like to help you but I can't from this distance since you,like everyone else, is a complicated person.  the best I can do is to give you a principle to keep in mind...don't get hung up on the labels.  The diagnosis is not important, its how you live your life that is important.  so if there are areas you can improve that will keep your creativity intact,and your uniqueness, but also help you enjoy the society of others, and feel  part of the life of your times, then that is what you should spend your energy on, and ask your therapist to help you do that.

[littlemonster]

I think your observations about reality ("i don't know what's true", etc) and your resulting confusion and anxiety and depression and whatever else, are very normal for creative/sensitive/thoughtful people...and "truth seekers" in general!  perhaps you simply never had the kind of environment in which your questions and creativity were supported and encouraged and validated so you've grown to not accept them and be comfortable with them in yourself and feel very critical about your creativity and questioning nature.   i have never been diagnosed with anything except anxiety and depression, but given my extreme philosophical and sensitive nature, i'm sure if i didn't have the luck of haivng a parent who was able to connect with my experiences of the world, i would have grown up thinking i was crazy...and indeed, becoming crazy because of my belief!  try to change the way you judge yourself.  maybe you just think you are mentally unhealthy when in fact that is a faulty perception of yours.

no one knows any ultimate truth.  our conscious minds cannot apprehend any overarching reality.  no one knows what life truly is.  all we really have, at least in terms of quantifiable knowledge about the what we refer to as reality, is an understanding of the general relationships things SEEM to have with each other.  RELATIONAL TRUTHS, in other words.  we have nothing absolute that we know.  so like kierkegaard said:  "truth is an approximation".  but this doesn't mean that there is no meaning, that there isn't purpose, that it ALL DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!  just because our minds cannot grasp the BIG TRUTH(S), it doesn't mean that they aren't there.  you can take comfort and trust the validity and meaning in many things....for many things point to a greater reality...one which can only be intuited--not "understood" intellectually.  so all i mean to say is, you are "right" in your confusion.  what is life?  no one knows.  your confusion has tremendous integrity and insight.  it is those who ARE NOT CONFUSED about what it means to exist who are the ones we should worry about!!

[surrealartist]

thank you for your reply. in reply to what you said, i completely understand where you are coming from. i guess what i was trying to say was i am confused about not knowing a diagnosis.  i've been thrown this way and that way, and have yet to know and it hurts so bad because for once i just want to have a clear idea as to whats going on.
  i went to the doctor today for a second opinion, and she said...well she basically confirmed that i do have a form of schitzo, but she does not know which one. she referred me to a psychiatristto do further testing. even though i took all their tests. i am so scared. everyday of my life i life in fear, and i am having a hard time with dealing with that right now. everyday of my life i live in confusion about everything and anything you can think of...and its not getting any better. i just want a way out. can you relate? can anyone relate?

[LukeL]

It sounds like you may have schizophrenia or a delusional disorder. As hearing voices and beleiving you are someone else is not a sign of anxiety, detachment is but you still are aware of who you are and where you are and that what you feel is in your head.

Of course I am not a doctor but it may help you if you research these topics, as long as you can do it without going into a panic.