How do I deal with my mother

[BGH1964]

My mother is 64, which is not old in years but she is not in very good health.  She lives 45 minutes away and refuses to move closer to me.  My brother lives next door to her.  He is an alcoholic and she provides everything for him.  She pays all of his bills, child support etc...  She says she can't leave him because he needs her to take care of him.  But she wants me to take care of her.  She's very controlling of him.  Last week she burst in to his house when he had a woman visiting.  Needles to say she burst in when she shouldn't have.  She kicked the woman out and told her not to ever come back or she would have her arrested for tresspassing.  She paid for the house my brother lives in.  They were both drunk.  This is not the first time she has done this.  My brother is about to go back to jail for failing to go to court mandated therapy and alcohol test.  Her statement to me was, "now I will have to take care of his dog and all the yard work will fall on me".  I told her again that she needed to move closer to me so I could help with stuff.  I have kids and a husband and I also work.  I can't run up there everytime she needs something.  She actually expects me and my family to leave everything here and move up there to take care of her. If I say anything to her that is not what she wants to hear, she gets mad and says she doesn't have anyone she can depend on and hangs up on me.  How do I deal with this situation and her?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is no simple answer here except for you to accept the reality that you describe..that your mother is set in her ways and unrealistic about her demands upon you...you can invite her to move but not force her, so what you need to do is deal with your false guilt...guilt about something you can't control..i.e. your mother's attitudes toward life and her children.

[zack32]

Perhaps a compromise can be reached in a respectable way to both of you. Maybe she can move halfway closer to you. That way a 15-20 min. ride wouldn't be so long. You have to realize that as a mother she would naturally want to protect the injured one. She is probably very grateful that you want to assist her, however might not know how to express it. Or if she is stubborn may never except the help. Perhaps a well thought out respectable conversation where you express your concerns calmly can do a world of difference. If she doesn't want to comply you should not feel hurt or guilty, like the Doctor said. I hope you can work things out soon.

[BGH1964]

That is just about what I thought.  We just can't communicate with each other very well.  When the conversations start getting uncomfortable, I emotionally shut down.  I keep my mouth shut and don't say much of anything.  She takes this to mean that I don't care for her.  This is survival mode for me You learned early in my household not to let anyone too close because all it meant was more heartache.  But it really is funny in a weird sort of way, I'm not at all like that with my kids and my husband.  Even this bothers my mother, she thinks she should be more of a priority than my kids.  Her best friend has cancer and is dying.  She and her daughter are very close and I swear that my mother is jealous of her dying friend.  i just want to tell her that they have been close their entire life, you can't just one day say "Hey, I want that to" and it happen.  Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[Jaquta]

You all need to set some boundaries.
You could always try and reflect back to her what you hear her say.  Until she feels you hear and understand where she is coming from she won't be receptive to anything you may have to say.
Your mother has needs she feel are not being met.  I expect she would be envious of her friend.
Your mother should not be financing your brother to drink.  He does not need that kind of help.  Perhaps her controlling is what is causing him to drink.

Your mother wants to be a martyr.  Do the right thing, etc.
You are missing a crucial piece of the puzzle concerning your mother.  She is feeling invalidated and you are reinforcing her beliefs.  Something is triggering her and she feels abandoned/ alienated.  Until she feels heard, she won't change.

J