How do I overcome this?

[Carol]

I am in my early 40's and experienced panic attacks since childhood. I was on Prozac for a year, tried to discontinue it and had to try Zoloft, which I've only been on a week at 25 mg.I have a strong family history of depression and my father had some
sort of mental illness of which I'm unsure. When I was in my late
teens my father wrote me a letter stating he wished I had never been born. This has been on my mind alot lately. My latest exacerbation seems to have been triggered by accumulating and
unrelieved stress related to my employment. I am a health care
professional myself and I feel frightened to feel myself pulling
into avoidance behavior with my job and others. My family relationships are strong and healthy. I see a psychiatrist through my HMO who is only able to spend brief periods with me for medication adjustment. Any insight into my situation and suggestions for coping and taking positive action would be greatly
appreciated. I have alot to offer and live for but right now I'm in a holding pattern. Thank you so much. C.S.

[HFHS MD-JM]

Carol,

     It is not possible for me to have an accurate understanding of your current situation which limits my ability to make specific suggestions.  I think that it would be very important for you to see someone who can offer you more time in a psychotherapeutic setting to help clarify this situation.  If your current psychiatrist can not provide this then you should ask for an appropriate referal.  Believe it or not HMO's do pay for this type of treatment.  It is also important for your Zoloft to be titrated to a minimum of 50 mgs as this is in genreal the lowest effective dose for treating anxiety and depression.  Please discuss these concerns further with your psychiatrist.  Good luck.

Sincerely,

HFHS MD-JM

[barbara to pain and lortab]

I know how you feel about your feelings toward what your father said. I was the third child in my household and told I was the mistake. The one they did not want, they only wanted two kids. Abortion was not done back then or they probably would have done that.

For this reason my father beat me with a belt on a regular basis starting at the age of two, thus forcing me to pray daily for his death and even consider killing him when I was five years old. I wanted to take a kitchen knife and kill him but was too afraid he would wake up and kill me.

Later in life when become of age, he tried to force me have sex with him. I was old enough and strong enough by age 16 to fight him off. He even had the gall to offer me 100.00 for sex! I told him to go to a prostitute or a psychiatrist for his sex problems.

Needless to say I became a reclusive person doing everything on my own and moved across the world to a tropical paradise island. I don't have much contact with my parents except my mother once in a while. When she had a stroke two years ago I could not bring myself to call her for the first six months, maybe a sort of psychological revenge for not stopping my fathers abuse when I was too young and helpless to defend myself.

Now I have the killer instinct in me. If anyone messes with my life they risk the wrath of my temper.

Sorry for babbling but I only can suggest that you burn your bridges from your past as I have done and forget the past altogether. Look at what you have now and what you may want to work for to gain in the future. I hope everything works out well for you.

Remember, parents are only yours by biology, that does not mean they are necessarily good people or deserve love or respect.