Husband wont have sex with me!!

[LONELYANDBROKEN]

My husband and I have been together for three years. At first our sex lives were great all except he wouldn't let me give him oral sex. This lasted a few months and then slowly our sex has dwindled down to three times a month, then one time a month and now, today I was informed that I should just be thankful for what we have and not think about having sex any longer. This has tore me up inside. I feel so broken and hurt.He rarely gives me a peck on the mouth when he leaves for work and pets the dog more than he even touches me. I'm so sad. I just don't understand what's going on. He says that he has no desire to have sex anymore. I feel this is selfish of him not to want to please me at least. I'm just at my wits end.

lonely and broken

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is no easy answer for this, and the best way to deal with it would be to have you and your husband visit a counselor for a good honest conversation to find out what is going on....it could be his stress or depression; tension in the relaitonship that he has not talked about enough; his own sexual inhibitions that he has to deal with, etc.....don't just let it stand, it needs to be addressed.

[Bassman263]

It makes me wonder if he is having an affair. I am a guy, never cheated when I was married, but that would be the first thing that I would think if my spouse were to stop having sex.  If you are secure in his fidelity, then you need to talk to him and find out what is happening to him that is making him feel this way.  He is obviously depriving you and himself of a major component in a marital relationship, and that is not good.  Hope this helps more than hinders.  Bass.

[peaches2006]

He may be having some problems in his life that he is scared to talk about men dont open up ther feeling like women do, work can play a big factor on your sex life, you didnt mention if you have kids? sometimes men dont feel comfortable when there child is sleeping in the next bedroom,  the best thing i think you could do is make a date with him, and yall go out and have a nice dinner and go some where that you can be alone with him like a lake or desert place, and try to talk to him , let him know how you feel and what its doing to you, give him time to change, if dont make a slight improvment seek a marriage counsler,  your marriage is worth  it.  dont give up till he does, ive been married for 23 years and beleive me all marriages go through some hard times, but it takes two, and sometimes you feel like its just one that is trying, but dont give up , till you know he has given up...

[Barbarella]

Since he told you that he has no more desire to have sex with you ask him point blank "did you turn gay", if he denies it, then tell him to go to a doctor to find out why he doesn't want to have sex.  Maybe a dose of Viagra would bring him to rise up again, pardon the punt.

There could be a medical or hormonol problem.  Men can have problems with their hormones too.

[derm_nyc]

consider the possiblity that your husband is deeply sick.  he may be suffering from deep depression or anxiety.  it sounds likely he may have suffered some kind of trauma when he was younger - perhaps long before he met you.  he may not even realize it.  you should insist he seek help.  not only is this no normal behavior, it's practically abusive for him to completely shut you out and not talk to you about, not provide you with any kind of explanation or physical outlet for your own needs.  you should also seek counseling - whether he agrees to counseling himself or not.  dealing with something like this is incredibly difficult and painful and can fill on with anger, confusion, depression, self-loathing, rage, etc.  and if he won't seek counseling, you should contact a lawyer.  immediately.  you have grounds for divorce.  but stay hopeful.  things could really turn around with counseling.  don't assume he's cheating or will never desire sex again.  good luck.  

[s.m.o.g]

i did not read anyother responce sorry if i reapeat something theyve said. first of all you live with him and you should know or have some kind of intuition if he is cheating, like does he come home late, does he have a cell phone, when it rings he excuses himself is he on the computer late at night..you know things like that. if not then sit with him and start by telling him how you feel about the situation. I think making love is a very important part in a relationship and it is something exclusive for when you are married. If he doesnt feel like having sex that is NOT normal. There is people out there not alot but i have read that people that are asexual have no desire to have sex nor feel attracted to either sex. although you and your husband are married maybe he has developed this condition. It is very hard to say without knowing more. He might have hpv/warts that could be one reason why he wont let you give him oral sex. this are somethings i could come up with from what i read. Im sorry and i know that must be painful you feel the need to be close with that person you love yet he wont touch you and you must let him know he is hurting you..

[hinsdale]

My boyfriend & I have ben together for almost two years now.
At first he always wanted to please me orally , but would never have intercourse or let me go near his genitals .   He just said that he wasnt ready.  
Its now been almost two years and I have never seen him ***, Our sex life is zero, unless I take the risk of being rejected or hope he will come around, which he did this past week end,
He spends all of his spare time when he comes home for lunch or before I come home from work masturbating to prorn.  
At 1st I was very upset and felt something was wrong with me, & I seeked out advise and did some research , still not knowing the actual truth , but atleaset setting my suspicions aside that he was cheating.    
I found that when a man has not been with a woman in some time ( In my case , it was this way for my boy friend ) They tend to manipulate their own bodies the way no one else can and honestly can not get out of it with out some kind of therapy .
I dont put any more pressure on him to have sex, masturbation has become a way of life , however Im not sure Im willing to stick this one out. It gets lonely.  

[pseudonym]

Hinsdale, it sounds as if your husband could have problems with erectile dysfunction and/or premature ejaculation.  Masturbation is, obviously, a "no threat" situation; he doesn't have to worry about "performing".

Yours is a sad and humiliating story; I can't imagine a husband neglecting his wife and yet masturbating to phony sex on video (in front of her?).

Perhaps you could set up some kind of situation where there are no distractions (including access to porn), have a glass of wine each (not a whole bottle!), and see whether he's able to relax with you.

Ultimately, as others have indicated, you may need the services of a therapist who can facilitate opening up the lines of communication, help you find out what is really going on.

Good luck!

[saddy]

I have the same problem - my husband and i have been married for three years now and at first everything was great but now we have sex maybe once or twice a month, i know hes not cheating so i think hes stressed and depressed and doesnt find me attractive anymore and because of it i feel like he doesnt love me and doesnt like to spend time with me which hurts and so im always angry with him and always on his case about everything because i feel if he doesnt want me then im going to make him feel like i dont want him and i know thats childish but i get so angry and hurt, i always play tit for tat and so as a result of that, it makes him not want to be around me. I also think he absolutely couldnt be fagged having sex anymore but i want it so bad and i think its only because i know i cant have it so it amplifies sex making me want it so much, so every night i go to bed feeling empty, unwanted and lonely, sometimes i cry, not only because i cant have sex but mostly because it hurts feeling like your husband doesnt find you attractive.  Sooo ive given up! i spend most of my time giving all my attention to my nearly two year old and i try not to think about it so much. :-(

[osopo]

First of all, have you gained or lost weight or anything like that? I'm not trying to be ignorant but I had a gf that I am totally in love with. Even when I fantasized it was about her. We had a very active sex life, she began to gain a lot of weight ( about 100 lbs) which really turned me off. I still love her but I no longer cared to have sex with her. I would masturbate while thinking of her when she was thinner. My love for her is unconditional. I love her as much or more than I ever have, I'm just not sexually excited by her any more. I have no desire to be with anyone else and, in fact, have turned others down. I have not had sex in about 8 months. We broke up about 6 months ago. We talk to each other every day and I know that she is still in love with me. I have not told her why I stopped having sex with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I have had some major medical problems and have not been able to work for the last 2 years. I am dealing with pretty severe depression and have been ever since being put out of work. I no longer have insurance so I no longer have a dr. or any type of med/psych treatment. She recently made a statement to me that my loss of sexual desire is due to depression, which is true to some extent, but in the beginning of the depression sex really seemed to help.
I knew someone once that told me that he would not have a gf that performed oral because the thought of kissing her was disgusting.
I dated a girl one time that would not let me perform oral on her because she had been molested in that way as a child and it brought back bad memories.
I think I would start by trying to find out what is the cause of the objection to oral.

[Bentley222]

Almost sounds like me.

I made a bad choice and regret it every day. Sorry to say that I totally neglect the wife and take care of myself many times a week. If I was more of a man I would leave. But cowardly hope that she makes the decision for me. Sorry.

[scorchd]

I'm really glad I found this post. It's got useful stuff on it. I've been married nearly two years and my husband has a porn addiction. He doesn't want to have sex most of the time and that really hurts sometime. We've been in counseling for a few months. We've had a baby, but I'm actually 25 lbs thinner than when we got married, so it doesn't make sense. I've done a lot of research, and I've found out that guys who've spent a lot of time interacting with digital women (who are usually photoshopped, by the way) and masturbating develop problems reacting to real women. Who they see online and what they get from themselves is far better than anything that could occur naturally. Maybe you should try to find out if that's your husband's problem. You can poke around on his computer and check bank records for suspicious activity, for starters. Best of luck; I sympathize with you. Try to feel happy and attractive for your own sake, not his, and take good care of yourself.  

[IRISH_GHERL]

Hello everyone i really enjoy reading everyones comments and i do agree on a couple of things the first is maybe he is cheating and even tho he does'nt wanna have sex with you he still doesn't want to loose his comfort zone sometimes men betray there wives but they still don't wanna be without them wich in this case makes it worse for you if this is true the other thing someone mentioned is that he could be gay and if this is so then the first part of my comment would really be in play because he may want to look like the average family man but in all actuallity he may have some skeleton's in his closet in either instance it's tottally un-fair for you and from woman to woman i would definently stand up for myself and check a few things out but before you make any decissions you should make sure that his problem is not mental or physically challenging to him but if you do find out it's all out of pure selfishness and or infadelity then you definently got the green light to do what you gotta do i wish you all the luck and hope whatever decision you make it's gonna be right in your heart and make you a happier person everyone deserves to be happy and you should'nt short yourself in that department of life good luck and let us know what happends and how your doing

[catlady08]

I have a similar situation going on with my boyfriend of 2 years.  We only have sex about twice a month, now, and it seems forced when we do.  I can't find any porn around the apartment or on the computer so I don't think it's that.  He is bipolar, though, so that could play a part in it.  This has been going on for about 10 months, though.  I feel as confused and left-out as you do.  I hope you find some cause for the problem, or move on to a new relationship with someone who deserves you.

[nosexfromthehusband]

My husband also refuses sex and looks at it as a chore.  We "compromised" to have sex once a week and he even uses phrases like "ok, let's get this over with" when I remind him that it's that time of the week, time for sex.  I know he watches porn when I'm not around and talks with other people online in chat rooms, so I'm beginning to wonder if he's cheating on me and that's the reason.  I've confronted him about it and he completely denies it.  I don't know how much longer I can put up with this.  I love him and he loves me (or so he says) and I feel bad ending a relationship over sex.  But if you feel like **** all the time because your husband won't have sex with you, what is the point in staying in that sort of relationship?

[L58M]

Wow, this all sounds so familiar. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. The sex started to dwindle down after the first year. It has been 6 weeks now since we had sex last. I know he's not cheating. He's always home, when I pop in. He always answers his cell, if he's not home. Then he's usually at the grocery store or somewhere nearby. He doesn't go hang out with the guys. There's no girl's calling, no mysterious numbers, no lipstick on the collar or late nights at work or anything like that. He's always very happy to see me. I have asked him if he is gay twice in different ways. Both times he flew into a rage. I haven't gained weight. In fact, I'm very physically fit, and many men have told me that I'm beautiful. I'm reading this book called Is He Strait? My whole relationship is described in this book. There were little signs all along.  They are described in the book, things I overlooked, right from the beginning of our relationship. Maybe it will help you too. Good Luck!