I believe I was misdiagnosed w/Bipolar

[trustme68]

About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar. Before that, I was diagnosed with major depression. I didn't argue with the Bipolar diagnosis because I was so desperate to save a marriage that ended up failing anyway.  

Two years later, I am on Topamax, Wellbutrin, Lamictal and Ambian.  Although I am under the care of a psychiatrist and a therapist who I see regularly, I have managed to give up my job which I was at for 10 years, give up custody of my daughter, become financially ruined once again, where I continue to sleep with men who make me feel so bad and humiliated, and my self esteem is once again at an all time low.

During my last visit with my therapist, I tried to tell her that I don't believe I suffer from bipolar.  I spoke with family members and old friends (none of whom live anywhere near me) and they all say I grew up with depression, but not bipolar.  I believe I act more manic now because the meds have wired me to act this way.  I do things I have never done before, such as having "automatic thoughts", severe mood swings, feeling restless all the time to the point where I can't stop moving, the inability to focus, and other symptoms that I know for a fact I did not suffer from before.  Years ago, it was more of a situational thing where when something happened (most of the time it was due to a relationship going sour), I would be so devastated, and I would have difficulty recuperating from the depression. My “suicide attempts” which always consisted of swallowing a bunch of pills were done because guys wouldn’t pay attention to me when I wanted them to.

My therapist says that for the past couple of years we have been working on "crisis intervention", and now that I don’t have a job, we can focus on my issues, such as my relationship problems and my self-esteem.  I don't know if I should believe the things she says, because I feel like we haven't gotten anywhere in the past 2 years.  The way I see it, I have lost everything, and I still have the same problems; especially my problem with men, which is the consistent problem I have had since I was a little girl.

I have already taken myself off of the Ambian, although it was hard. I was totally addicted to that med.  I am so afraid of getting off the others, because I fear that even if I wean off of them slowly, I will still have the "bipolar" mentality for a while.  I'm also afraid of stopping the visits with my therapist, because I don’t know if trusting my own judgment is the right thing to do.

My question to you is: do you think that someone could have major depression, and then have that turn into bipolar later on in their life?  Is it possible that whatever illness I am suffering from could be clouding my judgment so much that I no longer trust my therapist and psychiatrist when in fact they are right?  How do I separate fact from fiction?  

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

It is possible that the medications are stimulating you too much and may be some of the cause of the manic behavior. Since you are unsure about your treatment now, it would be appropriate to seek a consultation with a more senior therapist in your community who could help you sort this out. I wouldn't dwell too much on the diagnostic label...you are having problems in making your life work and that is what you have to concentrate on now.

[JDRF-Team-BL]

Mrecedes, Sorry to hear of your various problems. i'm not a doctor just another person with Manic-Depression and it is a very confusing disease to your self when you have it and to friends and family too. You don't say how old you are or when you started feeling depressed but most people with bipolar disorder start with depression in their teens or twenties. But please don't discontinue your medicatiions without having a meeting with your psychiatrist, it could be more disatrous than what you are currently going through. i recommend seeing the psychiatrist anyway because it is a genetically passed disorder and if the medications aren't working properly then the one on one therapy won't be very beneficial. Wishing you the best, buddhabret

[trustme68]

Thanks for both of the comments.  I will be 36 years old next month.  I have suffered from depression since I was a little girl.  It stems from the fact that I have been in a home where my brother was physically abused for years by my father, I was raised in a very strict home where I received little love, my mother, over the years became "the boss", and I so desperately wanted the boys to like me, but they never did; not until I turned 15 and became sexually promiscuous.  As the years went by, my behaviors, or depression manifested into one where I vowed that I would be in control of my life. I thought I was abusing men as I wished, when in fact they were abusing me (mostly sexually) over the years. I am a very controlling person and a spoiled brat. If I don't get my way, I throw a temper tantrum and threaten suicide. Because my depression is so bad, I have lost control of my control and temper, so when I get upset, I can't get out of it. It's like I have jumped off the edge of a cliff.  I was diagnosed with Borderline PD at 19, then minor depression, then major depression, then Bipolar. Now  I have (by my stupid choices) given up one of my children, my job, I am broke because I think I deserve only the best things in life, I have no friends because who wants to be friends with someone like me when all I am is pretty and smart (and sometimes I even struggle with that), I am incapable of having relationships with men, and I trust nobody. Sometimes I am so sad, I think if it were not for my children I'd be dead right now. I feel they are the only things keeping me alive at this moment. But then I realize hell is forever, and my pain here on earth is only temporary, and so I go on with this life.

I spoke to my mom yesterday and for the first time in my life I told her everything you are reading. She also has some sort of mental disorders (it does run on my moms side of the family). I asked my mom if she would go to therapy to help fix her marriage so she would not hate my father so we could start to heal the family. I told her if she could do this, her 3 daughters could then be allowed to have a relationship w/their father which is the one thing in all our lives we have never been able to do. My youngest sister is also going through something similiar to what i'm going through right now. I have one sister (the one in the middle) who has never displayed any signs of mental distress.

My mom refused to do this. She would rather torture herself and my father day after day with her hatred for herself and him than to heal her marriage. So, oh well, I told her what I told her. I suppose I can move on now with my own life and pray that my father doesn't suffer too much longer, although his price to pay for what he did to my brother may be the reason that he is suffering at the hands of my mother today.

When I go to see my doctor next week, I will tell her my thoughts.  If she doesn't have a new approach for me to take knowing what we will both know now, I will immediately make an appointment with a new doctor.  I also have an appointment with my therapist immediately following my appt. with her.  The same rule will apply.  

Thank you to everyone who has read my story. Any comments or suggestions would be most appreciated.

[not_sure]

Thank you for sharing your story- I found it very helpful. I am in my early twenties, but I understand where you are coming from- I am at that spot as well. Looking for love, when I don't get it- I fall into major depression and look for the easy way out. I have a lot to sort out..I rely on the help of others. I wish you the best. Thank you

[HeyJode]

Hi, I'm exactly your age and at the moment I'm on Topamax, Wellbutrin and Buspar.  Actually, I've been told I'm not bi-polar, but my doctor just recently suggested Lamacti, in a small dose to relieve the depression, which isn't being helped by anything I'm taking.

I can empathize with your feeling like the meds are making it worse.  My behavior, I feel, has become worse on what I'm on.  Partly, I refuse to go on the SSRI's because of the weight gain issue.  A big one for me.  With this cocktail, I'm very thin, but now quite tired looking because of anxiety, lack of sleep and a horrible lack of appetite.  So, what to do?

My relationships with men are quite similiar to yours, although I don't have a child, and want one quite badly.  Trust has become a major issue, as I'm in an abusive relationship right now, a man who asks out my friend, says he doesn't love me and won't be monogamous, yet I can't give him up.  

We both deserve better.  You have to believe this.  I'm working very hard to rid myself of this low self-esteem, because I used to be a very strong woman, for some reason, I no longer think I'm deserving of good things.  And we are.  

Thank you for your story.

[doggies3forme]

Hi. I was diagnosed many years ago as major depression.  About six years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar.  I didn't believe it!  I did seem to have all of the symptoms, but I thought they were relative to my situation.  I had started taking a Effexor and Risperdal, as opposed to the other meds I had taken.  I was ecstatic because I no longer felt the terrible fear I used to feel, I started working overtime so I was spending more money...there were a number or things.  I know that I felt absolutely euphoric.  It actually was wonderful.  I did spend much, much money and ended up filing bankruptcy (much to my shame).  I told my doctor that I felt like I was in the Indianapolis 500.  I would be doing something with one hand and trying to do another with the other hand.  I still doubt the diagnosis.  Actually, that is something I read is a usual response to that diagnosis....denial.

I am always doubting my diagnosis.  Now my doctor says I am schizoaffective.  I don't believe that either because I do so well.

I guess we just have to trust our doctors (my doctor showed me her credentials hanging on the wall and told me to trust her).  I guess it really doesn't matter as long as you get the help you need.  I don't believe the diagnoses but when I stop taking my meds I get into trouble.  I hope you go ahead and take your meds and then discuss it ALL with your doctor and therapist.  Does your therapist and your doctor agree on your diagnosis?  I know it doesn't really matter, but I always want to know.  That is just me.

I wish you the best.  Either way, depression is horrible.  I was glad to hear you were able to speak to your mother, I am 53 and I still have not been able to talk to my mother about my childhood.

Good luck to you!