Is This What I Have????

[Dee-nah]

I've always been consumed with disturbing thoughts, dwelling, thinking TOO MUCH, not being able to focus, getting confused, panick attacks, sucidal thoughts,etc...  I was molested when I was 3 and it ended when I was 8..  I've always had low self esteem growing up, I'm 32 now and finally seeing a doctor about my problems..  Right now I'm taking 10mgs a day of Lexapro (was on Prozac ) and 3mgs a day of Xanax.  I've seen a therapist and at first I felt that I was worse off now then I was when I didn't talk about my feelings... I know opening pandora's box was going to be tough but thought with the medication it will ease the pain ( NOT TRUE ).... I'm doing everything I've been asked to do (medication, meditation, yoga)... To a certain degree everything has been working for me but since I've been on Lexapro I have no energy to do anything and while the dwelling has subsided A BIT I've noticed that when I do have panic attacks or my mind races it's EXTREME....I've been searching on the internet about OCD and I'm constantly seeing the washing off hands, neatness things of that nature and I do not have any of those traits and I'm wondering if I'm being treated for something I do not have...  Again I can think/create 20 different ways I did something wrong about ANYTHING and in just 5 minutes create 30 new ways...  It's un bearable.. I'm in a new relationship now and I can see the pattern of me sabotaging it with all the negative thoughts about myself...  My boyfriend will tell me he loves me and even though I'm listening it seems I can't hear it!  He is aware of my problems and understands them to a certain extent but it's getting overwhelming and to be honest I'm drained feeling this way I just can't walk away and it's only a matter of time before he does....  I need to know if I'm getting the proper help for my diease....

Thanks in advance,

Dee-Nah

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The disease you are describing is really the disease of self doubt and an overly critical part of yourself.  That's what you should talk to your doctor about, and explore the many different ways that this can be helped.  Your fear of intimacy and trust is also a part of this, so do yourself a favor, don't fret about the diagnosis, and don't expect miracles from the medication, just work on these issues with a good therapist who trust can understand you and help you understand yourself.  You might get some additional help from the self doubt section in the free masteringmylife.com program offered above. You can print out some of the exercises and share it with your therapist for further discussion.

[caregiver222]

This is your prescription. Read it carefully: Go on the net and research the book "Meditations", written by Marcus Aurelius, commander of the Legion, emperor of Rome, circa 121 A.D. Read it ALL. Every word. The next book on your list to read is the Rubyait of Omar Khyaam. "The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on, and all your piety nor wit nor tears shall erase a single line or word. The bird of time has but a little way to go, and lo...the bird is on the wing." Be happy kid. There is a lot in life that should make you smile. A kitten. A newborn child. The smell of the flowers in a field of grass. The seashore at sunset. The mountains anytime. The answer isn't in a bottle of pills.

[stargayzer]

Dee-nah, I was sexually abused from 3 to 3O something, first it was my father and after each episode my mother would beat me all the while calling me a slut.  Then it was the man across the street with his son present. On and on.  
I never felt that I fit in anywhere.  I just knew I was adopted (I wasn't).  Could not understand how people made friends as they do, I did not know how to.  And don't dare creep up behind me because I could go not only through the roof but up pass the moon. I was hypervigilant And deep down inside no matter what, I was worthless.  Ugly, gross, worthless to the core.  If you only knew me.  If you knew me then you would hate me I knew that for a fact.
I was 45 years old before I finally felt like I belonged on this earth. And I do fit in.  
I suffer from a dissociative disorder due to the abuse, that helped the anxiety and panic attacks thrive.  Yet now a days I can call on it to help me.
I would have told you I was a very promiscuos young lady but I learned that that wasn't what I was at all.  I was never told, taught, shown, whatever that I could say 'no'.  When it starts at 3 and continues so long it just turns you into a machine of sorts.  A mighty messed up machine.
For years I was told to go back and work on my past and I would say why?  I obviously have blocked it out for a reason why would I want to look at that?????  And A.D.D.?? Oh big time.
With E.M.D.R. I finally did and I am soooooo  glad I did.  You need support for those issues you have of the sexual abuse.  Find yourself a 'survivor' support group and get yourself there as soon as possible. It will definitely help what you are experiencing now. I could very well save your life.  It did mine.  P.S. (get off those xanax and stay off - that's what makes you tired)(wellbutrin is good for the soul and the A.D.D.)

[Intrigue]

Dee-nah -- my heart goes out to you -- it's very obvious you are in a great deal of emotional pain.  Your symptoms are classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms due to your sexual abuse and many of your self esteem issues have their core in your sexual abuse.  Look at it this way...children attempt to find a reason for why bad things happen to them as children.  Since they don't possess the mental or emotional skills to arrive at a correct conclusion, they usually blame themselves.  So, if you think it must have somehow been your fault (consciously or subconsciously), what conclusion must you then arrive at about yourself?  That you're bad, not good enough, not worthy of love but only sex, damaged, worthless, unloveable....it goes on and on.  I'm so glad you're in therapy and hopefully your therapist is skilled in PTSD counseling.  If not, you might seriously consider another counselor.  My first therapist wanted me to work on building my self esteem, but I found very little healing until I switched to a therapist who helped me get to the core of WHY I had low self esteem.  Also, EMDR is a good tool to use with clients who have experienced sexual abuse, but it's not the most important thing....having a skilled therapist who knows how to deal with sexual abuse trauma IS.

I do agree that a support group for sexual abuse survivors is another needed ingredient in your recovery....hopefully you can find one, because it is really important to build a solid support system and, unless people have experienced it, they don't fully understand what you've been through.

I also agree that medication during this time is important for you...but you do NOT have to feel like a zombie.  Wellbutrin does not have a lot of the side effects that lexapro has....I couldn't function on lexapro either.  There are enough antidepressant meds out there to give you a good choice....don't give up until you find one that works...it's worth it.

Also, while I agree that reading books and enjoying life is important (as someone else posted), when you're in the middle of emotional chaos, as you are at this moment, attempting to suck it up and enjoy life isn't very helpful.  Please do not let anyone make you think you are making too much of your emotional trauma and need to 'just get over it,' as so many people told me.  There is healing, Dee, I have found so very much in my life.  But, the only way out is through....it's a rough journey, but the rewards on the other side are amazing and well worth the pain of taking the lid off pandora's box.  *smile*  Please hang in there, sweetie....and keep us updated on how you're doing.

Intrigue