Long-term depression--sorry but very long explanation.

[Anna]

I am a 35-year-old professional female and I have suffered from major depression for about 15 years now, which has progressed over the last into double depression. I have tried a remedy of various antidepressants--now on Effexor and Prozac--and have been in psychotherapy for more than a year.
I have had suicidal ideation for the past seven months, which has only increased in strength. My psychologist says if I call him proclaiming suidical thoughts again he must telephone the authorities. I have a huge problem with trust due to childhood sexual abuse, and now feel as if I have no one in my life whom I can contact when feeling so sad.

I understand my doc's reasoning for being unable to take my "suicide calls" any longer, however, feel very hurt and abandoned by this at the same time. I have discussed this with him, but still feel the same. I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital one night but convinced the psychiatrist to release me the next day. The entire experience was humiliating and utterly frightening to me and caused more harm than good. I spent the remaining week in the bed, unable to get up.

I feel as if there is no hope for me left, although my doc says otherwise. I have tried for years now to overcome this constant sadness, but it only seems to worsen with time. I am severely depressed, highly suicidal and financially strapped what with having to pay for antidepressants and mental health counseling, which my medical insurance refuses to compensate me for (mental health insurance parity is another issue entirely).

Any suggestions? I'm at my wit's end here, doctor. I have a handgun and I know how to use it to ensure I don't simply harm myself, but rather do away with this pain once and for all. I'm not even afraid anymore of dying. I live alone, have little family, and fe

[HFHS-M.D.-HG]

Dear Anna,
                  
                  My first recommendation is  for you  to get rid of the gun. An available weapon is dangerous for  someone struggling with suicide. If you think you are unable  to control your suicidal thoughts, you need to call either a crisis line or go to the nearest emergency room for an immediate evaluation. It appears you have been suffering from depression for several years now. Childhood sexual abuse can contribute to long term depression. I would recommend that you  discuss your concerns with your psychiatrist. A dosage adjustment or change of medication may be worth considering. Electroconvulsive therapy remains the most effective and safest treatment for depression. It can be done as  an outpatient or inpatient. Also, discuss with therapists about the availability of support gropes in your vicinity as they have been found to be effective. I hope this information is helpful to you. This information is provided for general educational purposes only and should not replace evaluation by a physician.

[Anne]

Dear Anna,

I'm with you, girl.  Get rid of the gun.  I don't know where you live but find a women's support group as soon as possible.  I understand that doing anything is very difficult right now but you need a support network of people other than your psychologist.  I have been in an ACOA women's support group for over ten years.  We meet once a week for 90 minutes.  The group averages 5-6 women with a therapist.  People have come and gone.  The women in this group I consider to be some of the primary pillars in my life.  They support me unconditionally.  The give and take, the feedback, the humor, the crying - it's all there.  I feel like I will be in group for the rest of my life and that's ok.  It is the SAFEST place for me in this world outside of my husband's arms.  I have struggled continuously with bipolar depression my entire adult life.  Both my parents were alcoholics and my father was bipolar.  My mother was just angry and hateful all the time.  My grandmother and great-grandmother were schizophrenics on my dad's side of the family.  I guess I am telling you all of this to reassure you that despite problems that may be overwhelming there IS relief out there.  Unfortunately it doesn't come and find you.  You have to go and find it.  Music has helped me a lot.  Specifically, Nanci Griffith, Beth Nielsen Chapman, Lyle Lovett, Rory Block amd Mary Coughlan.  Crank it up and dance.  I do every day.
Ask your psychologist if he/she knows of any women's support groups where you live.  Push hard for this.  Good luck.

[Anna]

Thanks for the replies and suggestions, however, I already am in a support group. It helps a little, but not enough apparently.

[ada]

Dear Anna,
  Your letter could have been mine except I older and have a lot of family.  
  I have been sucidial for some time now but I
have a wonderful Dr. that has stood by me and helped me through the hardest times of my life.
  I feel as if you Psyhchologist should be there to help you through the worst times.  If
he doesn't feel like he can maybe you need to
find a different one.  It's important that you have a Pschoogist that you can trust and that you know you can confide in.  
Also check into places where you may be able
to get free depression medication such as mental health centers.  I have had no insurance and have had to undergo 100's of test and 4 surgeries in the past 5 years. It  made my depression worse knowing I had no insurance nor a way to pay my Physician.  He helped me to find ways of getting the meds I needed and the surgeries I needed.  Also there is a federal law that if you can't affor
your medication and it doesnot come in a
generic form that the company that makes it has to supply it to you free.  Ask your physician or your pharmicist about the
Indogent Care Program.
Hope this helps you in some way.
Good luck.