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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
My Sister Is In TROUBLE! !! BIG TIME! ! ANY SUGGESTIONS? It's a long one...
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD) , bipolar disorder , dementia , electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) , learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) , panic , personality disorders, phobias , post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , schizophrenia , stress , transitions, and work problems.
My Sister Is In TROUBLE! !! BIG TIME! ! ANY SUGGESTIONS? It's a long one...
by marilyn, Sep 06, 1999 12:00AM
Hello,
I'm sorry this is so long...but there is a lot to say..
I really need to vent and I appreciate this forum. I also hope there is a Dr. or someone out there who can help.
My sister went from being a beautiful, confident, business woman and mother- most of her life to now being an unemployed, unhealthy looking, angry, miserable, selfish, abused and abusive woman. In the past five years, she went from being a normal, producing person in society to someone who should be on the Jerry Springer show!
She is in her mid forties and is now divorced (5 years) but living with a Vietnam Vet alcoholic. She was married for about twenty years prior. She and her X husband are alcoholics and they were in recovery for about 9 years. He still is. She owned her own successful retail business, raised three wonderful kids, and was in therapy. As a matter of fact she even lead 'group therapy' sessions in her home for years. She knows all about recovery and all of this stuff.... She must know what she is doing is wrong and hurtful to herself but she does not seem to care? She had everything together for years...or so it seemed. She also was on Prozac for about 5 years prior to the divorce and that really seemed to help. She was the atypical "yuppie" and did very well for herself and she admits she was pretty happy then.
Well, after the divorce things started downhill..she went off of prozac...and it has been a string of loser boyfriends, each worse than the last. After being divorced for about two years, her her X husband married a 21 year old...and that is when things seemed to worsen. She has totally 'fell off of the wagon' big time! She drinks daily, smokes cigs, and pot and has been living in this mutually abusive situation for over 2 years. She gets drunk and is totally disgusting. She is rude, starts fights with people, slurs her speach, falls around, and drinks so much at one time I can't believe it. The only person who 'outdrinks' her is her boyfriend who will continue to drink until all of the alcohol in the house is gone. When her daughter who is 15 comes to stay for one day a week, she tries to clean up her act but on occasion has drank in front of her...and she has upset her daughter. It is sad.
She is unemployed and has been for years now. She is broke and spent all of her savings and retirement money living and partying. She is seemingly unreachable. I have spoke with her about my concerns over her drinking, and her abusive boyfriend. She knows how I feel. I have been there for her emotionally for years but I'm starting to feel manipulated as she has talked about making changes and never does. In the past I have let her rope me in emotionally with tales of abuse from her boyfriend..(I get upset and angry)...and then she takes him back everytime. It has been a long time now though since she has talked to me about making any changes though. It is to a point now where she does not even tell me or anyone about what is really going on anymore because I don't think she wants to hear what I have to say. Or maybe she wants to ignore what is really going on? Or maybe she just wants to accept this as normal? She is terrified of being alone and would rather be in this mutally abusive situation than alone I guess? She has ran most of her friends off and people in the family prefer to avoid hanging out with them at all because it is impossible to just hang out without her and her boyfriend drinking or getting loaded. One of her friends knows what is going on and we have spoken about all of this. Our parents have also voiced their concern to her, but since she is 46 they feel that they can't control her of course.
Also, it is not just him being abusive, she hits him too! She screams and yells, and they fight and the cops have been called by the neighbors a few times. I have wished that the cops would or could do more.
Unfortunately her 28 year old son has just informed me of a recent 'episode' he witnessed. He was living with them for about a year..and he recently came home to find my sister and her boyfriend drunk and fighting. Her boyfriend apparently hit her in the face, and she was bleeding a little on her chin. I guess she was hitting him too... Unfortunately, my poor nephew could not stand to see this go on anymore...and seeing his mother with blood on her face made him go into a rage...and he beat the **** out of her boyfriend. Then, my drunken sister started slapping her OWN SON, apparently PROTECTING the boyfriend??!!! It is unbelievable to me! Then the next day she remembers it all wrong and tells everyone that her son has an "anger problem" that she is worried about. She never remembers what she did or how disgusting she and her boyfriend were the night before. Fortunately my poor nephew realized that he can't take it anymore and he has since found another place to live.
I know that she definately needs antidepressants. She was on them for a while about 6 months ago because I helped her get on the state health plan. As i said, she is unemployed. Now, She is too poor to be on the State health plan..as she did not pay her small monthly dues and lost it. So she is not on any antidepressants now. Her car from her previous life is too nice and worth over whatever the limit is, so that she can't get welfare or other state/federal help that i know of. She can't afford the prescription but as I pointed out the alcohol and cigs everyday cost a lot more than prozac would!! Apparently she did not think the prozac was doing her much good the last time she took it anyway. I think she needed to try another antidepressant the second time around....but now she can't because of no insurance or money...and a lack of willpower to do something about it.
Her boyfriend does work now but only because he was told by the state that if he quit another job he would go to jail because he has two complete other families that he has abandoned. He owes so much in child support payments that they are forcing him to work. Which is good. But he does not make too much after they garnish his wages. He goes in hungover or calls in sick all of the time. However, apparently his wages pay the rent barely and pay for their drinking and smoking.
I'm not sure what my question is here...i guess for one, I just need to vent a little...and to know if there is anything I should do besides just being there and letting her know that I don't agree with what she is doing? I know that she is the only one that can help herself. I know that I can't fix it for her. I still do care for her though and would like to see her get her life together. I do sometimes worry that her life could be in danger mostly from drinking so much. I don't know how far it has to go before she/they hit bottom?
There are literally dozens of stories of drunken nights..and traumatic events...too numerous and too amazing to even list...a book should be written...
About a year and a half ago ..(about 6 months into the relationship).. her boyfriend went (for like the third time) to the VA hospital for alcohol treatment.....and he went he came home unexpectedly after a few days (was supposed to be in for a month) and he walked thru the door with a 6 pack of beer. I almost think if there are people who can't or won't recover he would be one of them. Even though he has said that he wants to quit drinking and etc...i don't think he means it. I have seen my sister recover before and I know she can do it again if she chooses to. I don't know if she ever will though as long as she is with this man.
By the way, I don't know if it matters or not, but we have two wonderful parents who are not abusive in any way and are about as good of parents as anyone could hope for. Our parents are thoughtful, caring, and hard working and she did not learn this behavior or to accept this behavior from men at home. Like I said she is 46 and I'm 31. She is the oldest and I'm the youngest. There are two brothers inbetween. One acts sort of like her, one is sort of like me.
When they both are not drinking (rare occasion) they seem to get along pretty well. But it has been a long time since they were not drinking. Oh, every few months she goes thru a period that she says "we are not drinking because I want to lose weight" and it lasts a few days or maybe a week and then one of them brings home some wine again and it all starts over.
It may be that I have done all I can... since it is her life and she is an educated person who knows about alcoholism. I know she has to help herself. However, if there is anyone out there who has some advice...a suggested book I could give her...some information....or anything that may make her stop for one second...and realize what is going on I would appreciate it. I wish that I could afford to send her to a therapist and pay for her antidepressants but I can't right now.
Thanks for listening...and sorry it is so long.
I appreciate being able to vent and I hope there is some suggestions that will help.
-Marilyn
my email address is
***@****
I'm sorry this is so long...but there is a lot to say..
I really need to vent and I appreciate this forum. I also hope there is a Dr. or someone out there who can help.
My sister went from being a beautiful, confident, business woman and mother- most of her life to now being an unemployed, unhealthy looking, angry, miserable, selfish, abused and abusive woman. In the past five years, she went from being a normal, producing person in society to someone who should be on the Jerry Springer show!
She is in her mid forties and is now divorced (5 years) but living with a Vietnam Vet alcoholic. She was married for about twenty years prior. She and her X husband are alcoholics and they were in recovery for about 9 years. He still is. She owned her own successful retail business, raised three wonderful kids, and was in therapy. As a matter of fact she even lead 'group therapy' sessions in her home for years. She knows all about recovery and all of this stuff.... She must know what she is doing is wrong and hurtful to herself but she does not seem to care? She had everything together for years...or so it seemed. She also was on Prozac for about 5 years prior to the divorce and that really seemed to help. She was the atypical "yuppie" and did very well for herself and she admits she was pretty happy then.
Well, after the divorce things started downhill..she went off of prozac...and it has been a string of loser boyfriends, each worse than the last. After being divorced for about two years, her her X husband married a 21 year old...and that is when things seemed to worsen. She has totally 'fell off of the wagon' big time! She drinks daily, smokes cigs, and pot and has been living in this mutually abusive situation for over 2 years. She gets drunk and is totally disgusting. She is rude, starts fights with people, slurs her speach, falls around, and drinks so much at one time I can't believe it. The only person who 'outdrinks' her is her boyfriend who will continue to drink until all of the alcohol in the house is gone. When her daughter who is 15 comes to stay for one day a week, she tries to clean up her act but on occasion has drank in front of her...and she has upset her daughter. It is sad.
She is unemployed and has been for years now. She is broke and spent all of her savings and retirement money living and partying. She is seemingly unreachable. I have spoke with her about my concerns over her drinking, and her abusive boyfriend. She knows how I feel. I have been there for her emotionally for years but I'm starting to feel manipulated as she has talked about making changes and never does. In the past I have let her rope me in emotionally with tales of abuse from her boyfriend..(I get upset and angry)...and then she takes him back everytime. It has been a long time now though since she has talked to me about making any changes though. It is to a point now where she does not even tell me or anyone about what is really going on anymore because I don't think she wants to hear what I have to say. Or maybe she wants to ignore what is really going on? Or maybe she just wants to accept this as normal? She is terrified of being alone and would rather be in this mutally abusive situation than alone I guess? She has ran most of her friends off and people in the family prefer to avoid hanging out with them at all because it is impossible to just hang out without her and her boyfriend drinking or getting loaded. One of her friends knows what is going on and we have spoken about all of this. Our parents have also voiced their concern to her, but since she is 46 they feel that they can't control her of course.
Also, it is not just him being abusive, she hits him too! She screams and yells, and they fight and the cops have been called by the neighbors a few times. I have wished that the cops would or could do more.
Unfortunately her 28 year old son has just informed me of a recent 'episode' he witnessed. He was living with them for about a year..and he recently came home to find my sister and her boyfriend drunk and fighting. Her boyfriend apparently hit her in the face, and she was bleeding a little on her chin. I guess she was hitting him too... Unfortunately, my poor nephew could not stand to see this go on anymore...and seeing his mother with blood on her face made him go into a rage...and he beat the **** out of her boyfriend. Then, my drunken sister started slapping her OWN SON, apparently PROTECTING the boyfriend??!!! It is unbelievable to me! Then the next day she remembers it all wrong and tells everyone that her son has an "anger problem" that she is worried about. She never remembers what she did or how disgusting she and her boyfriend were the night before. Fortunately my poor nephew realized that he can't take it anymore and he has since found another place to live.
I know that she definately needs antidepressants. She was on them for a while about 6 months ago because I helped her get on the state health plan. As i said, she is unemployed. Now, She is too poor to be on the State health plan..as she did not pay her small monthly dues and lost it. So she is not on any antidepressants now. Her car from her previous life is too nice and worth over whatever the limit is, so that she can't get welfare or other state/federal help that i know of. She can't afford the prescription but as I pointed out the alcohol and cigs everyday cost a lot more than prozac would!! Apparently she did not think the prozac was doing her much good the last time she took it anyway. I think she needed to try another antidepressant the second time around....but now she can't because of no insurance or money...and a lack of willpower to do something about it.
Her boyfriend does work now but only because he was told by the state that if he quit another job he would go to jail because he has two complete other families that he has abandoned. He owes so much in child support payments that they are forcing him to work. Which is good. But he does not make too much after they garnish his wages. He goes in hungover or calls in sick all of the time. However, apparently his wages pay the rent barely and pay for their drinking and smoking.
I'm not sure what my question is here...i guess for one, I just need to vent a little...and to know if there is anything I should do besides just being there and letting her know that I don't agree with what she is doing? I know that she is the only one that can help herself. I know that I can't fix it for her. I still do care for her though and would like to see her get her life together. I do sometimes worry that her life could be in danger mostly from drinking so much. I don't know how far it has to go before she/they hit bottom?
There are literally dozens of stories of drunken nights..and traumatic events...too numerous and too amazing to even list...a book should be written...
About a year and a half ago ..(about 6 months into the relationship).. her boyfriend went (for like the third time) to the VA hospital for alcohol treatment.....and he went he came home unexpectedly after a few days (was supposed to be in for a month) and he walked thru the door with a 6 pack of beer. I almost think if there are people who can't or won't recover he would be one of them. Even though he has said that he wants to quit drinking and etc...i don't think he means it. I have seen my sister recover before and I know she can do it again if she chooses to. I don't know if she ever will though as long as she is with this man.
By the way, I don't know if it matters or not, but we have two wonderful parents who are not abusive in any way and are about as good of parents as anyone could hope for. Our parents are thoughtful, caring, and hard working and she did not learn this behavior or to accept this behavior from men at home. Like I said she is 46 and I'm 31. She is the oldest and I'm the youngest. There are two brothers inbetween. One acts sort of like her, one is sort of like me.
When they both are not drinking (rare occasion) they seem to get along pretty well. But it has been a long time since they were not drinking. Oh, every few months she goes thru a period that she says "we are not drinking because I want to lose weight" and it lasts a few days or maybe a week and then one of them brings home some wine again and it all starts over.
It may be that I have done all I can... since it is her life and she is an educated person who knows about alcoholism. I know she has to help herself. However, if there is anyone out there who has some advice...a suggested book I could give her...some information....or anything that may make her stop for one second...and realize what is going on I would appreciate it. I wish that I could afford to send her to a therapist and pay for her antidepressants but I can't right now.
Thanks for listening...and sorry it is so long.
I appreciate being able to vent and I hope there is some suggestions that will help.
-Marilyn
my email address is
***@****
Doctor's Answer
by HFHS M.D.-SW, Sep 08, 1999 12:00AM
Dear Marilyn,
I am glad this forum gave you the opportunity to discuss your concerns.
Your sister appears to be suffering from alcoholism, meaning she is addicted to alcohol. In an addiction, the addict spends time and resources searching for the substance of the addiction, in your sister's case, alcohol. You have observed first hand alcohol's effect
on your sister and her boyfriend. There are many programs for the treatment of alcoholism, including outpatient and inpatient programs. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) remains one of the most successful programs. Alanon is a program for families and friends, and may help you and your family learn to understand and to intervene. Local chapters are usually listed in your phone book.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics to also suffer from depression. The depression may be due to the central effects of the alcohol or may co-exist with the substance dependence. The fact that your sister responded to Prozac before is hopeful. An evaluation by her primary care physician or a mental health professional will help determine the best intervention.
The information provided in this Forum is presented for general educational
purposes only. Specific questions you
have pertaining to your health should always be directed to your
personal physician or you may call Henry Ford
Behavioral Health at (248) 689-7476 for an evaluation.
Sincerely,
HFHS M.D.-SW
*Keywords: Addiction, Alcoholism
I am glad this forum gave you the opportunity to discuss your concerns.
Your sister appears to be suffering from alcoholism, meaning she is addicted to alcohol. In an addiction, the addict spends time and resources searching for the substance of the addiction, in your sister's case, alcohol. You have observed first hand alcohol's effect
on your sister and her boyfriend. There are many programs for the treatment of alcoholism, including outpatient and inpatient programs. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) remains one of the most successful programs. Alanon is a program for families and friends, and may help you and your family learn to understand and to intervene. Local chapters are usually listed in your phone book.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics to also suffer from depression. The depression may be due to the central effects of the alcohol or may co-exist with the substance dependence. The fact that your sister responded to Prozac before is hopeful. An evaluation by her primary care physician or a mental health professional will help determine the best intervention.
The information provided in this Forum is presented for general educational
purposes only. Specific questions you
have pertaining to your health should always be directed to your
personal physician or you may call Henry Ford
Behavioral Health at (248) 689-7476 for an evaluation.
Sincerely,
HFHS M.D.-SW
*Keywords: Addiction, Alcoholism
