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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
My boyfriend has panic disorder - how can I help him?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD) , bipolar disorder , dementia , electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) , learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) , panic , personality disorders, phobias , post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , schizophrenia , stress , transitions, and work problems.
My boyfriend has panic disorder - how can I help him?
by kl1969, Aug 03, 2006 12:00AM
I have been dating the most wonderful man for about 3 months now, but he suffers with pretty extreme panic disorder. (I'm am 36 and he's 29.) I want to help be a part of his recovery, but he keeps shutting me out and I don't know how to get past this. It's very painful and confusing not knowing how to help him when we won't let me!
While he wants this relationship as much as I do, his paralying fear of intimacy "kicks in" when things start getting serious. He says it has ruined nearly every relationship he's ever had with women, even to the point where he once panicked and left a former fiancee' just days prior to their planned wedding! Clearly, he is afraid of hurting me, afraid he's going to get scared and "bolt" again, and now it's happening to us.
A month ago, he suddenly and without warning just disappeared, cutting off all phone, email and in person contact for 2 weeks. We always had close daily contact and I was mystified. I worred about him as weeks went by, wondering if he had died or if I had done something to make him angry with me. Just when things were getting good, he bolts like this? Didn't make any sense...
Finally he magically reappeared 2 weeks later and wrote me an email saying he had just decided to go visit his mother who lives in a remote location with no internet or cell phone reception and that's why he had been out of contact for so long. He said he was sorry for making me worry about him, and then admitted that he bolted because he was having a tough time dealing with all these intense new emotions that were going on inside him lately. He needed to take time off from our relationship. (And I thought to myself, "that's understandable, but thanks for *not* telling me!")
I realize now that I have inadvertently triggered perhaps some old fears and his "fight-or-flight" responses, but he just will not open up and talk about what those past traumas are and how I can avoid doing whatever it is that is a trigger. He's emotionally shut down and in avoidance mode. He won't confess this, but I fear our new relationship has probably brought on renewed panic attacks and because the symptoms are so severe, he's avoiding all contact with me because he fears he'll have another attack.
I don't want to be part of the problem, I want to be a part of the solution! But how can I if he is keeping me at such a distance? I've asked him to please call me or have lunch with me so we can discuss therapy options, and offered to help him in every way I can because I want this to be a healthy fulfilling relationship for us both and am willing to do whatever it takes to help support him. But he is in such a state of panic, he's not returning my calls and clearly just cannot even deal with being near me. Yet I know he misses me, too and wants us to be together.
He is taking a low daily dosage of Zoloft (i think he said 15 mg but not sure of this). Any suggestions or advice are very much appreciated, both of our hearts are breaking! - thanks.
While he wants this relationship as much as I do, his paralying fear of intimacy "kicks in" when things start getting serious. He says it has ruined nearly every relationship he's ever had with women, even to the point where he once panicked and left a former fiancee' just days prior to their planned wedding! Clearly, he is afraid of hurting me, afraid he's going to get scared and "bolt" again, and now it's happening to us.
A month ago, he suddenly and without warning just disappeared, cutting off all phone, email and in person contact for 2 weeks. We always had close daily contact and I was mystified. I worred about him as weeks went by, wondering if he had died or if I had done something to make him angry with me. Just when things were getting good, he bolts like this? Didn't make any sense...
Finally he magically reappeared 2 weeks later and wrote me an email saying he had just decided to go visit his mother who lives in a remote location with no internet or cell phone reception and that's why he had been out of contact for so long. He said he was sorry for making me worry about him, and then admitted that he bolted because he was having a tough time dealing with all these intense new emotions that were going on inside him lately. He needed to take time off from our relationship. (And I thought to myself, "that's understandable, but thanks for *not* telling me!")
I realize now that I have inadvertently triggered perhaps some old fears and his "fight-or-flight" responses, but he just will not open up and talk about what those past traumas are and how I can avoid doing whatever it is that is a trigger. He's emotionally shut down and in avoidance mode. He won't confess this, but I fear our new relationship has probably brought on renewed panic attacks and because the symptoms are so severe, he's avoiding all contact with me because he fears he'll have another attack.
I don't want to be part of the problem, I want to be a part of the solution! But how can I if he is keeping me at such a distance? I've asked him to please call me or have lunch with me so we can discuss therapy options, and offered to help him in every way I can because I want this to be a healthy fulfilling relationship for us both and am willing to do whatever it takes to help support him. But he is in such a state of panic, he's not returning my calls and clearly just cannot even deal with being near me. Yet I know he misses me, too and wants us to be together.
He is taking a low daily dosage of Zoloft (i think he said 15 mg but not sure of this). Any suggestions or advice are very much appreciated, both of our hearts are breaking! - thanks.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Aug 03, 2006 12:00AM
, Aug 03, 2006 12:00AM
You don't have a lot of active options if he is so avoidant that he won't talk. Obviously you can wait and see what happens but that is not very satisfying. You might suggest that the two of you together see a relationship counselor to explore all the options, and of course, he could, and should, see a therapist. If he is on Zoloft, its probably 50 mgm, and with agreement of his doctor, he can easily double that, but that won't solve the problem, but might decrease his anxiety enough to bring him to the table.
Another possibility is the free program listed above, masteringmylife. He can go there, sign up, and go to the relationship section to analyze his fears and what he can do about it. You might look at the same section to see if it is the kind of information that might help him look at himself and start a more productive dialogue with you.
Another possibility is the free program listed above, masteringmylife. He can go there, sign up, and go to the relationship section to analyze his fears and what he can do about it. You might look at the same section to see if it is the kind of information that might help him look at himself and start a more productive dialogue with you.
Sometimes it gets so bad I have had to call the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They wanted to dope him up on xanax and other anti-anxiety pills and he and I both decided that those were not the best choice for him.
(which is because you can withdrawal from xanax and I know people that have.) So i guess the only advice i can give you is to be patient and get him into some therapy or maybe just try to talk him to go into get some help. It really helped my husband and I out. Now he is able to deal with his stress instead of bottle it up inside and break out with panic attacks, or mask it up with drugs.
I don't know how this would work for you guys, but it is something to think about. I feel that our problems on the outside have everything to do with our problems on the inside.
Im new to this site but I have recieved many answered questions about diffrent subjects so I thought I would run threw it again and give it a try on my biggest issue right now.
I see that you have been dating your boyfriend for 3 months. And after reading your story I see myself months ago where you are. I am 25 and I have been married for about 5months. My husband I believe has some kind of personality disorder or illness. With alot of anger issues. I love him so much.... and he knows that. But it is so extremley hard to deal with him when he wont acknowledge the problem he has. He has glimpses of "normalness" and he admits he has a problem. But he cant fix it. We have been to psycitrist and psycologist/ marriage counslers and they all tell him the same thing. He wont communicate with me or them so he really cant be helped.
My advice to you is beware of these things. Regardless of the love you have for someone that doesnt change the disorder they have. It just drags you down with them.
It looks like we may be getting an annulment. I have a little boy from a previous relationship, and my concerns are for him right now.
I know its hard to take strangers advice. But I have been there. And I regret giving it a try knowing in the back of my mind it was going to be too hard to fix. You cant change someones past. Only they can.