OCD and anxiety is destroying the onlything that ever mattered to me...

[AntiMatterVortex]

I first began experiencing symptoms of OCD after a severe bought of depression during my adolescence that also left me unable to physically cry for a number of years. I would obsess about the placement of objects. Constantly wash my hands. Feel that if I didn't perform certain tasks certain ways (repetition, choice ect.) .Something horrible would happen. For about 4 years in middle school and high school after an embarrassing incident when I had to evacuate the school bus to relieve myself (I got up late) I would experience the constant need to urinate at every opportunity I had when I was in a social situation with class mates. And not doing so would result in the physical feeling that I was going to wet myself. That bought suddenly ended in 12th grade for what reason I don't know. One day it was there. The next it wasn't. For the sake of keeping under the character limit I’ll stop there.

I've been in a long distance relationship with my current girl friend for 9 months now. We are both deeply in love. But for about the past 6 months I’ve been suffering greatly with anxiety over constant "attacks" that have become stronger and stronger with every passing day. Unlike my daily (ritual like) OCD symptoms these attacks stem from what I now feel is the fear that my feelings for her will be contaminated and eroded by negative images and thoughts. My head is not very clear on this point. This all started during a web cam conversation in which an image of my sister suddenly popped into my head causing undo anxiety (most probably of the sexual nature) as I watched my girl friend dress. After which it has cascaded to include other people and even animals (my dog). What I mean is... she is always on my mind. And my brain has begun a negative pattern of thoughts so that when I see a person. And the image repeats because of my OCD. I will feel that it is contaminating (destroying) my feelings for her. Comparing features of a persons face for example to hers. Over thinking... finding deeper meaning then is really there over and over again. and the anxiety keeps getting worse and worse to the point that I have actually broke down and cried... something that as I said previously I could not do for years. I need to get this under control. Every image that I see of my girl friend is constantly accompanied by a negative image that I feel is eating away at my love for her. I have tried and tried to convince myself that they are just negative thought patterns. And as of this post I am feeling much more in control after searching the internet for hours and learning about the source of my feelings. I have yet to meet my love face to face. And the other reason I feel more in control at the moment is because I have just received new photos. But my mind has already begun to "attack" those images and I fear I will loose control again. When I meet her will these attacks stop? Can I control it now? What can I do?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

What you have to do is work through these thought issues with a professional therapist.  There are many layers here, and you have already touched on most, so you have the starting insight, and with a little help you will be able to master this.

Part of the problem is that you have not met the flesh and blood person so you are only dealing with fantasy particles..web cam pictures, photos, etc.   Your obsessive thoughts reveal your fear that something about her might surprise you...you are preparing your defenses for a disappointment...etc.

[Try_to_be_social]

Your have OCD. You have OCD while you are progressing from one life stage to another, namely adolescence and courtship. Now you have OC intrusive images. You fight the images but in vain. You tried to convince yourself they are just negative thoughts but it was useless. As you attempted to over-think and find deeper meaning of them, the anxiety got worse into crying. This is not correct way of dealing with OC images and thoughts. Never fight back at the images. Never over-think your images. Never discover the deeper meaning of them. The OCD game should not be played as you thought. The OCD game should be played as if you are dealing an untamed huge dog. First, accept the dog’s aggressions/images, as they are part of your life. Second, ignore the dog’s aggressions/images. Third, manage your anxiety by deep breathing exercises. This is simple classical conditioning. The aggressions/images will escalate as you attack/over-think them. They will vanish if you ignore/accept them. So, accept the intrusive images/thoughts. Stop finding their meanings. Never over-think them. Never attack them. In this way them will disappear because you are not reinforcing them. This is extinction. After you have learned to manage your anxiety, you expose yourselves more to the images/dog. This is exposure. Then you gradually imagine images of increase in intensity until you are at ease with them. This is desensitization. Never run away from/avoid  your dog/images. This is response prevention. Welcome the nastiest images. This is paradox. Genuinely live with your images/dog and truly willing to take their risk. This is the correct response to the images/dog. This is the spirit of cognitive –behavioral therapy that you should adopt.
Take SSRI antidepressant or anafranil.  

[AntiMatterVortex]

I'd like to thank you both for answering my very poorly writen question. It's very troubling to me and difficult for me to convey.

But your answers have basically confirmed what I already knew deep down. And it's very comforting to know that these thoughts aren’t my fault.

Over the past weekend I’ve been coming to terms and have come to understand the nature of this cycle. Why it has occurred at this point in my life and what I can do to control it...

And I feel I’ve reached a milestone today. I've managed to control (almost forget) the negative images at work... which is usually a mine field of negative thoughts, images, and anxiety; to the point that I can even look my coworkers in the face and feel nothing abnormal whatsoever...

Right now I don't think drugs will be necessary if I can maintain this course of insight and clarity. But I will seek psychiatric help if I am otherwise overwhelmed (if I can't stop this) immediately if the symptoms reoccur at the extreme levels I’ve experienced in the past months.

my girl friend has been very supportive throughout all of this... in fact she has been nothing but a perfect angel... I can talk to her about anything... and she's a trained psychologist. So I feel I’m in good hands at the moment.

I know I must rely on my own strength to get threw this. But with her loving support… And, my trust. I think I’ll be just fine.

Thanks again,
  Robert

[mimmi]

Will you really be fine? Without any interventions and just your girl friend's support? You might be needing some professional help before it becomes chronic... Cognitive behavioral therapy would be great as the second letter said in conjuction with SSRI It sounded pretty severe from your first letter. Just a food for thought.