Pathological Liars who prey on Genuine People

[lupe4007]

Hello Dr:
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. My father (70 +) has married a woman (67) with extreme behaviors in: compulsive lieing and mood swings.  This woman has been attacking the family system and telling lies about each and every family member to the point of a FAMILY FEUD. She has caused nothing but disruption to the family unit. We have been non-stop arguing ever since she came into our lives (2 years ago). I could only assume she hopes that neither one of us will speak to eachother and put 2 and 2 together and figure out that SHE is making these accusations up.  Finally, my father is opening up to the family and becoming aware that what she says are ALL LIES.  

They have begun to seek counseling for HER issues, however, I do not believe that HE needs counseling.  I believe that he needs to get away from her lies and manipulations.  When he speaks to the family, he understands that she is lieing and seems to want to take the steps to be away from this woman.  However, when he is in her presence, he gets caught up in the manipulations once again.

My question to you.  Knowing that it is his decision to make, how can the family support him to move on and not accept this womans lies, deception and daily mood swings? He does love her, obviously, but for some reason he is allowing her to treat him this way and accepts her lies and makes excuses for her.  I have been under the spell of Manipulators before, so my eyes are wide open to the damage this can do to ones self-worth.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The best thing you and your sibling can do is keep up a united front and persist, calmly, and with assurance. He could use counseling, but individual counseling to help him figure out how to confront, or stop this, or extricate himself when he is convinced that is necessary.

If your father uses the internet, he can use the Masteringstress program(link above) to look at the situation honestly and come to a better decision about all of this.

[lupe4007]

Thank you Dr. for your time and advice on this situation.  We will continue to make sure that He thinks clearly and does what is best for him.  I agree that He may need counseling when he is finished with this relationship.  Manipulators can really get into your head and make you second guess yourself, adding confusion to an already difficult situation. thank you again.

[IRONHORSE]

HELLO. I AM WELL AWARE OF THIS COMMON PROBLEM, MY DAD HAS A BROTHER THAT DOES THE SAME THING.MY UNCLE HAS TURNED ALL OF HIS FAMILY BUT MY DAD AGAINST HIM AND IS WORKING ON TURNING MY DAD AGAINST ALL OF US KIDS. I HAVE 3 BROTHER AND 2 SISTERS-2 OF MY BROTHERS WILL NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY DAD IS THERE DAD AND NIETHER WILL ONE OF MY SISTERS. I LIVE NEAR MY DAD AND ON HIS PROPERTY MY UNCLE HAS CONVIENCED MY DAD TO ASK ME TO MOVE MY MOBILE HOME--- WHICH I WILL CAUSE MY DAD ASKED ME TOO. BUT CONSIDER THIS MY UNCLE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I HELP MY DAD I PAY HIS BILLS, COOK FOR HIM. CLEAN HIS HOUSE, MAKE HIS DR APPOINTMENTS, BUY HIS CLOTHES AND I DO ALL OF HIS GROCERY SHOPPING AND PICK UP HIS MEDS MY DAD IS A DIABETIC AND HE NEEDS LOTS OF CARE AND HE STILL WORKS BUT HE IS TOO TIRED AFTER WORK TO DO ALL THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE. MY DAD HAS ABOUT 12 HORSES AND I AM THE ONE THAT TAKES CARE OF THEM. NONE OF MY BROTHERS OR SISTERS COME TO SEE HIM ETC.THEY NEVER CALL ETC.

I HAVE A VERY EXPENSIVE MOBILE HOME 80,000 AND I WOULD LOVE TO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. AND I HAVE LAND ELSE WHERE THAT I HAVE ANIMALS ON.

WHEN I TOLD MY MOTHER HOW IS DIVORCED FROM MY FATHER ABOUT HIS REQUEST THAT I MOVE. SHE CALLED HIM AND GAVE HIM A REAL CHEWING AND BROUGHT IT TO HIS ATTENTION THAT MY UNLCE IS ALL ALONE AND HE HAS DESTORYED ALL HIS FAMILY TIES TO EVERYONE EXCEPT MY DAD AND SHE ALSO TOLD HIM THAT MY DAD WAS HEADING DOWN THE SAME PATH WITH 3 OF 6 CHILDREN THAT WILL NOT SPEAK TO HIM AND WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT TO HIM.

WITH MY MOMS ACTION IT PUT A NEW LIGHT ON THE WHOLE THING FOR MY DAD. SURE I HAVE A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THE LINE FOR THE IMPROVEMENTS WATER AND SEPTIC TO THIS LAND THAT I LIVE ON AND MY DAD OWNS.MY DAD CAME OVER LAST NIGHT FOR SUPPER AND I THINK THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS THAT HE SAID THANK YOU. I KINDA LOOK AT IT THIS SAY HE TOOK CARE OF ME FOR 18 YEARS AND I OWE IT TO HIM TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

MY DAD HAS IN THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS TRIED TO CONTACT MY SIBLINGS AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH CONTROL MY UNCLE HAS OVER MY DAD???? MY UNCLE MAKES US CHILDREN= NOW ADULTS OUT TO BE LAIRS ON THE SIMPLE OF THINGS LIKE WHEN I WAS PREGEANT WITH MY SON AND I HAD DIABETES AND MY UNCLE BEING THE AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT OF DIABETIES INFORMED MY DAD THAT I WAS LIEING AND THAT THERE IS NO WAY THAT A PERSON CAN GET IT WHILE PREGEANT AND STATE THAT IT WILL GO AWAY AFTER THE BABY IS BORN. WELL I SHOWED MY DAD THE PAPER WORK AND INSULIN AND MY UNCLE WAS LIKE WELL THAT IS A BIG COVERUP ANYONE CAN GET INSULIN AND I TOLD MY DAD ABOUT HAVING BIG BABIES IF YOU HAVE DIABETIES. MY UNCLE SAID NO WAY. I WAS INDUCED 3 WEEKS EARLY AND I HAVE A 10 POUND 13 OUNCE 23 INCHE LONG NEWBORN. MY UNCLE HAS ALSO CAUSED PROBLEMS WITH OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY LIKE MAKING MY DAD MAD AND NOT ATTENDING A WEDDING BECAUSE MY BROTHER INVITED ONE OF MY DAD'S SISTER THAT NEITHER MY DAD OR UNLCE LIKE. MY DAD WAS SUPPOSE TO BE PART OF THE WEDDING PARTY AND IT REALLY EMABARRASSED MY BROTHER CAUSE HIS DAD WASN'T THERE AND NOW HE REFUSES TO SPEAK TO MY DAD AND HASN'T IN ALMOST THREE YEARS.

WITH ALL THE YEARS OF HURT THAT MY UNCLE HAS CAUSED MY DAD FINALLY RELIZES THAT IT WAS HIM THAT WAS CAUSING THE PROBLEM AND THAT WHAT I DO TO HELP MY DAD IS DONE OUT OF KINDNESS NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TOO.

SO HANG IN THERE AND THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE---- PEOPLE CAN'T COVERUP FOR EVER. SOON YOUR DAD WILL RELIZE THAT SHE IS THE PROBLEM. AND LOVE YOUR FATHER HE IS 70 AND YOU CAN ONLY HOPE FOR 40 MORE YEARS WITH HIM, BUT GET REAL, TIME IS GROWING NEAR FOR HIM AND DON'T LET THIS CONTINUE ON FOR YEARS AND HAVE MORE UNHAPPY ONES THAN THE HAPPY ONES THAT YOU LONG TO HAVE. MAKE IT HAPPEN,DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR SIBLINGS AND PUT UP A WALL TO THE WOMEN THAT IS CAUSING THE WHOLE PROBLEM AND DON'T BE AFFRAID TO INVITE YOUR FATHER ONLY OUT TO A MORNING OF COFFEE OR A MILKSHAKE IN THE AFTERNOON AT A CAFE OR HECK EVEN MCDONALDS. TELL HIM THAT YOU WANT TO START MAKING A LIST OF THE FAMILY HISTORY AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM AND ON A LEVEL THAT HE WOULD PRABALLY ENJOY MOST OLDER PEOPLE LOVE TO TELL STORIES AND IF HE IS WITH YOU --- THEN SHE CAN'T BE TELLING HIM LIES AND CAUSING TROUBLE AT THAT MINUTE.

[IRONHORSE]

FOR THE RECORD ON DAYS THAT MY TROUBLE MAKING UNCLE IS SUPPOSE TO CALL I HAVE WENT TO MY DADS HOUSE AND TURNED THE RINGER ON THE PHONE OFF AND MY DAD HAS CALL NOTES AND HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE ANSWERING MACHINE---- BUT NOT ONE IN THE HOUSE DEAL SO I "CLEAN THE MESSAGES" THEN MY DAD COMES TO MY HOUSE AND I PUT THE THING ON SPEAKER PHONE AND LET HIM PUSH 2 TO SAVE OR 3 TO ERASE. BUT I GET RID OF THE MESSAGES FROM MY UNCLE MOST OF THE TIME. BECAUSE IF HE IS CALLING THEN THEIR IS TROUBLE THAT'S FOR SURE.

     MY UNCLE HAS EVEN CALLED PLACES LIKE MY MORTAGAGE COMAPNY TO FIND OUT THE BALANCE OF MY LOAN ON MY HOME... I TOLD BY DAD THAT BY THE TIME IT WOULD BE PAID FOR I WOULD HAVE SO MUCH IN IT AND MY UNCLE CALLED TO VERFIY THE MONTHLY PAYMENT AMOUNT WHICH IS ONEONES BUSINESS NOONE CO-SIGNED AND NO ONE MAKES THE PAYMENTS ON MY HOUSE. MY UNCLE EVEN CALLED THE WATER COMPANY TO SEE HOW MUCH THE WATER METER COST TO PUT IN MY DAD TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS 2200 AND MY UNCLE WAS NOT AWARE THAT ONE OF MY GOOD FRIENDS WORKS AT THE WATER COMPANY-- WHEN MY DAD ASKED MY UNCLE ABOUT IT MY UNCLE STATED THAT THERE IS NO WAY THAT A WATER METER COST 2200 SHE PROBALLY ONLY PAID 800 OR SO. AND HE DENIED CALLING THE WATER COMPANY, OVER THE PHONE HE GAVE HIS NAME AND MY ADDRESS AND TOLD MY FRIEND THAT HE WAS CHECKING THE PRICE BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO BUY THE PROPERTY FROM ME/ WELL MY FREIEND WAS LIKE I KNOW HER AND HER DAD OWNS THAT PROPERTY AND THE OTHER LAND THAT SHE OWNS HAS A POND/TANK ON IT. MY UNCLE HUNG UP THE PHONE. WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT IT I WAS FIT TO BE TIED. THIS IS THE KINDA **** I HAVE TO DEAL WITH FROM MY UNCLE.

[lupe4007]

YIKES! I can't imagine how many years your uncle has poked his nose into everyone's business but his OWN! Too many years, thats for sure.  Thank you for your honest story & I hope that you could set things straight with your father... UGH! What is wrong with these people that have nothing better to do, than to screw with everyone's lives.. The distance that your uncle has gone to in messing with your life, I would think, would be enough to get a restraining order on the guy.  Maybe you could talk with a police man or police counselor on how to handle this type of situation.  FIrst off, I am surprised that anyone could gain access to your account information, etc.. regardless of having your name & address.  Those people are NOT doing their jobs for keeping your information confidential & they may be suspect to charges as well.  

At this point, my dad is contemplating an ANNULMENT from this woman.. THings are not going well & I think & hope that my sister & I have shed enough light on the situation that he DOES go through with it! THIS LADY NEEDS TO MOVE ON! Pick another victim.. etc... This is very tough for my dad cuz he has so called "known" this woman for 30 years.. but in actualality, who knows how long they have truly been together. He was once with her, when I was 5.. He broke it off & came back to the FAMILY.. I am now 36 and he is back with a socalled "LOVE".. THe story is pretty complicated.. but bottom line... I am hoping that my dad does not get pulled back into her WEB or TORMENT! My advice to him was "get an annulment, keep her as your girlfriend if you want, because she does absolutely NOTHING to earn her the title of your WIFE." I must say, I was pretty harsh & my sister too, but this LADY is TOO MUCH WORK! Love should not be like that! If it is, MOVE ON!

Good luck with your UNCLE.. You're right, life is short, and there is no time for these MEDDLERS! I would love to hear how your situation turns out! I feel bad for your dad, because he is bound by BLOOD, so to speak.. That bond is very hard to break & I'm going to guess that your father has been under your Uncles wing, foot, all his life! Your uncle is very controlling & I'm sure his father was controlling to him... it usually trickles down somehow.  
Good luck & document your uncles interference, etc... & report him to the courts.  Your uncle is a MAKE WORK guy.. It doesn't matter if you have documentation, etc.. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG in HIS EYES.  This guy is a distraction & Just likes to RUFFLE feathers.. He gets you side tracked from Being excited about your new born, into, having to produce papers regarding your illness..  HE ha a REAL sickness, IN THE HEAD!

Good luck & try not to play the game that the uncle has put forth for you to play.  HOLD YOUR GROUND>. DO NOT MOVE & CONTINUE TO ASSIST YOUR FATHER... Maybe, if you want to test the uncle, make a list of everything you assist with, & just say here is what I do for dad, so if I move, you will beable to handle all of these tasks, right?  I guarentee that this guy, wont lift a FINGER to help out! He doesnt care to HELP & give unconditional love, but only likes to HINDER!

GOod luck... HOLD YOUR GROUND... & GET YOUR SIBLINGS TO GET BACK IN THE GAME>. Your father is a VICTIM & NEEDS ALL OF YOUR HELP TO
GET OUT OF THE SITUATION & SEE THE TRUE LIGHT!