Told wife about encounter I had and now I think I ruined my marriage. Need Help

[tomASS]

Hello,

I am 34 yrs old and I have been married 11 wonderful years. About 10 weeks ago I went to Venezuela on a business trip and went to strip club with the guys. I went back to the hotel with one of the strippers (paid for sex). I have never done this before and I felt so bad afterwards. I have been rattled with guilt and shame since then, so I told my wife about it over the weekend. She freaked out and now I think I ruined our marriage. She wants to know why I did it. I love my wife and would never want to hurt her. So, why did I tell her? I felt like I had to. But why??!!

For the last couple of years, I would go online and look at porn. I'm not a prevert and it's not like I viewed it everyday or that I am obsessed with it. Every guy I know looks at it.
However, I think becuase of the "fanatisy of an encounter" I put myself in a bad situation where I think I got caught into the moment. Having a few beers (to say the least) in me and listening to these guys also affected my judgement (they go and do this all the time. Plus they are married). I told my wife that I would never do this again and that I was ashamed of what I did. This is the reason why I told her. She believed I told her because I wanted out of the marriage and/or drive a wedge into it. She said I should never had told her. She believes once a cheater always a cheater. Plus, she said "Men cheating is a conversation that woman start having when they are 12 and 13 about their first boyfriends.  It is the topic of every conversation sooner or later with woman.  We even rank what type of cheating we might tolerate and what would be completely unforgivable.  Most everyone as an adult agrees that a drunken moment gone too far might fall under the category of "forgive" depending on the person, place and time of your life.  But everyone, and I mean every woman I have ever spoken to in my lifetime all agrees that paid sex is unforgivable."

Please help. I had a wonderful relationship with my wife and now I destroyed her faith in me. She does not even want me around. We have a 6yr old son and we are trying to hide this from him. I love my wife more then anything, I know she is hurt and I don't know what I can do to repair it. I said my prayers and I thought telling the truth was suppose to be right thing to do.


I need help with finding answers to why I would do something like this. I have never, ever thought about doing this before.
My wife does not believe I got caught up into the moment. I'm not a bad person and for the last 11 years I have been a great husband and father. We had a great relationship. We don't fight like our friends (we are best friends), we are very supporting of each other, and we love the time we spend together. I LOVED our marriage!!

In one hour of my life, I lost my honor, my self respect, and now I think I might have lost my family. I would appreciate any advise I can get. Thanks! T

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Probably the best thing you could do would be to give her a copy of this note you just sent here...it tells the whole truth in the best possible way. It is the perspective she needs to forgive and forget. You have a strong relationship and this is big bump, but probably not the end.  It is going to cost you some penalty, and that is something you will have to bear for a while. The only other thing you can do is suggest some marital counseling for a short period so that she gets out all of her fears and concerns and has a third party there to give her back her perspective.  Good luck...

[Makaveli]

Obviously because of this encounter she has lost faith in you. Best friends are supposed to be there for each other, and be trustworthy, and you have broke hers. And trust is really at the base of every marriage. This is why she is mad. Do I think you need to split up? No, unless there are other issues there than that would be senseless. If it were me I would get some counseling. Even if you feel YOU don't need it and she says that she trusts you again... than she still probably needs to talk with someone... Then you can continue, and learn from the expierence. Who knows, it might even bring you two closer.

[ontherecord]

You did screw it up.  Now you have to live with it.  I'm not your social worker, so I'm not going to lend false support and feed you b.s. emotional stuff.  Don't use the booze and the trip as an excuse.  You KNEW they do this kind of stuff and you WANTED to do it.  Don't b.s now.  We know you love your life, but you love strippers when you're feeling it.  Me too, but I'm not married, and would probably have done the same thing you did, affored the opportunity.  Actually I'd be like your buddies, but I wouldn't do it if I were married.  So yeah, you're supposedly a great guy who made a stupid move.  It's partly true, but whatever.  You enjoyed yourself.  If you were really drunk, you wouldn't have been able to get it up and she would have walked out of there.  Or you wouldn't have had the presence of mind to had her the right amount of cash.  

The one good thing is:

if it doesn't work out with your life, at least you can do to Venezuela every year and do this with reckless abandon.  I know I would.  And you will do, if you break up.  Because you enjoyed it.  And once you experience the pleasure you usually only fantasized about before, you can NEVER go back.  Your wife is probably a decent looking woman but nothing special.  You want fantasy material.  Believe me, within a year, you'll go from being Tom....

to being "John."

Bottom line: you enjoyed it.  you WANT to do it again.  And even if you never ever did, it just goes to show that the wife isn't fulfilling all of your needs, and you not hers.

[lmroswell]

T-
A hard lesson learned...It may take a long time, but I think this is a forgivable mistake.  Your wife has got to be able to trust you again, and you've got to give her reasons to.  This could take years to rebuild.  It sounds like you had a sound relationship and with counseling it could be redeemable.  Also, you should get tested for STDs.  Good luck.

[lmroswell]

T-
P.S.  Maybe a change of friends is in order, too.

[I'mallheart]

Hey did you enjoy  that sex...maybe you needed some good sex and werent getting it eith your wife?? well you did it its over now move on and give your wife time..show her your post.just explain you are tom the *** and made a mistake..get help for the porn thing..stats show that men and women who are into them this is behavior that is put into action

[Arls]

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.  I am a woman - 43 years of age.  Just to let you know, I have been "taking a poll" so to speak, for several years, and have come up with statistics which say that women are cheating on their men than WAY MORE than the other way around!!  Hard to believe I know.

However, I too was cheated on by my man in the same way as you describe, and it was very painful, but I eventually forgave him.  I couldn't understand why he would do it, because I had always thought I satisfied him.  And he says I do satisfy him. And I believe I do, but there is an old saying..... and it's true.  (not sure if this site is censored or not, but here goes)

"Men screw with their dicks, and women do it with their hearts."

Good luck to you.  I hope she forgives you.  Sex all by itself is okay, for about 60 seconds, but sex combined with love is phenominal.  (Hey, a few extra lickies for her can't hurt).