When Is it the Depression Talking?

[mailletn]

My boyfriend suffers from Depression, he has cycles of feeling good and then feeling very down, sad, when he is down he withdraws. I have read all the books I can find on depression looking for an answer to the question, WHY DOES HE WITHDRAW from me when he is down and sad why does he push me away and tell me he does not love me. Why is it when he is in a good mood he says he loves me then when he is down and sad he says he wants to just be friends, that he never really loved me, but yet he wants to be in contact every day, he now says he only has sexual feelings for me and not love, that he will know when he has found love, but it is not with me. But never wants to stop being friends.  

He has admitted to sabataging the Good things in his life, he has been divorced, and from what he says he never told his wife of his problem, yet with in 2 weeks of our relationship I knew all about his depression. I found a doctor for him that deals with male depression, ( but do not know what he tells him, I do not ask, do not want to put pressure on him)  He is also on Wellbutrin for about 4 weeks now.

His child hood was not all that good, it was secure, good working family but the love was not there, and his father was very controling, his wife cheated on him and left him for another man.

I know he has ababdonment issues, and perhaps he does not know how to love.  

I am trying to give you a snapshot of who he is, to help you in answering this question.

He is 39, employeed at a good job, and  enjoyes a part time job working as a Hockey Official.

There are 2 major stresses in his life that I see, His ex wife and thier lack of communication and an old girlfriend that stalks him.

I do not want to leave him, and move on, I would like to see this through as when we are together I do see a lot of potential, although I have only given you the bad side of our relationship, the good side is very very good.

My question is, when do I know when the Depression is talking, and when is he really talking, if he really only wants to be friends, and for me not to wait for him and date other people, then why at other times are we so in love and attracted to each other?

Do I back off? Do I offer to go to counceling with him? I do not want to push him nor do I ask for more then he is willing to give, I did agree to just being friends, but he knows that I did so only becuase he wanted it. And when I do back off he seems to need me more.  What a roller coaster ride I am on this past year.
When we get close he backs off, when I back off he gets close.

Also...is there a book or something out there that I could read so I am not caught up in his game, I have read depression fall out, and I do want to reach out to him and not leave, but I do not know how and what to do.

Thank you for you time, sorry for the run on email, I guess emotions got in the way.

Nina

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Nina, your emotions are not in the way, they are what you are today, honest and confused.  Its almost impossible to give you the kind of advice you would like...it is a process of sorting through, and weighing your observations, best done in a seris of consultations, which I would recommend.  In general, it sounds like a real attachment and that he is finally getting some treatment, so its best to hang in there for a while, keeping some distance, and gradually talking more about it with him, and maybe his therapist, as these things happen.   YOu might prepare yourself better by thinking this through with a guided etherapy session at www.masteringstress.com.

[dejaneehoney]

bad relationship need advice pls

i have a question ive been with my b/f for a year and some months he lives in ny me from iowa i came to ny and ive been stayin in his parents house unknown for a year wrong situation to get in ,in the beginning well when i first met him he was normal never complained about anything about me then months went on he started screaming at me for wearing clothing ive been wearing since the beginning so he started picking out my clothing and refusing me to go out if i didnt wear what he wanted then he progressed into telling me what to look like meaning expresstion on my face started hitting me if i dint look street smart telling me i look like a slut then it start getting even worse he would beat me down ,give me blk eyes,he stab me with a screw driver for talking about living just recently he stabed me in the arm with a knife and when i try to leave he chases after me in his car drags me back bye my hair i cant use the phone hes always here i cant run out i dont know how his parents will react i have a plane ticket for nov 7 to leave back to iowa i dont know how hes gonna handle it and im scared am also having this feel that i love him and ill miss him which is crazy cuz all the stuff hes done to me i just need strength to leave he always starts crying saying hes sorry and i fall for it cuz i wish he was and he would change also i feel like i cant get someone who looks like him but i cant risk my health and my life im so depressed