help with suicide and depression

[dragornaut]

I'm 15, African America, female and bisexual. My parents are immigrants to the united states. I was born here. We used to be poor but do pretty well now. Mother is extremely homophobic and my father is not too much different. I wish to be honest but this is impossible because of the dependency I have on them.

My older brother who is 19 and mother used to fight a lot. My parents say he used to be addicted to video games but is better now. He and I didn't get along very well and I will never trust him nor depend on him.

I went to catholic school for 8 years. I was friends with a group of kids since kindergarten up until 6th grade. They started being very cruel to me. I was the best in my class and they couldn't handle the attention I got sometimes. New kids came and I was completely ignored. I because very close friends with a girl who was also ignored and we love each other.

She went off to highschool, met a guy, and is currently having relations. Since then, I have moved about 90miles away. I still miss her but I feel she doesn't feel the same. She says she misses me, but that's only when I bring it up first. She was the only person I could depend on for anything and I've lost that. She's a year older.

I keep making relationships and it ends the same way. I don't want to kep doing this to myself but I do. Kids my age are ignorant and I relate better to older persons but they always move on, leaving me alone.

I've been depressed for 3 years now and bisexual for 7.
I know my mother would never take me to a doctor because she has had her own bad experiences and says so outloud.

My father is emotionally distant, which probably comes from leaving his country and culture for a new world entirely.

I appreciate everything I've got but I am emotionally numb. I'm sleep deprived, I don't eat as much, I'm always in some sort of pain and suicide is a daily thought for the past 2 or 3 years.

I enjoy writing music and play guitar but writer's block is worse than ever which frustrates me more.

I am a natural introvert and sometimes I hate living.

I am a loner.

I've got another close friend but she's more distant than she can admit. She's one to pity and be sympathetic and sometimes I feel that's why we are friends, she pities me and I protect her because she is also depressed and suicidal. But I've found her to be devious and tells her dreadful life story in order to gain sympathy and friends.

I've always been different. I've always been alone, I like to watch the clouds and like the rain that comes from cold fronts passing over the region. Its steady and darkend the sky. I feel sad when it goes away.

Sometimes I seem cruel and people don't understand how I talk because it is somewhat convoluted. I think very differently and no one understands. Mother says someday someone will understand. I hope I live to see it.

I read a lot. There is always a book with me. I spent one summer dedicated to reading, I reached 670 books. I was 11 I think. I am very proud of that accomplishment.

My memory is getting worse, probably the lack of sleep.

I'm not sure what I am trying to say or what I'm looking for. I am sure I've left out a lot of important stuff.

I took the test from sanityscore.com. It seems pretty legit.
I got a 98 out of 100. 10 being the least or most normal, 60 average.

I feel very numb and I miss my best friend and I want to be able to let my guard down. If I did let it down, I would feel even more hurt, scarred, distant and numb than I already do. This is hard to imagine.

Sometimes I sit in my bathtub and think, or outside when it rains, its the only time I feel emotionally safe.

The only person I feel I've left is my best friend and boyfriend. He's bisexual as well and we've been good friends since 6th grade. We were not always dating but after we lost contact when I moved and started talking again we just fell for each other. I love him and he feels the same way. He lives in the town where we met and I see him a few times a month but we talk everyday. I can not describe how much I love him. I don't feel as suicidal and depressed when I am around him. I can't seem to enjoy being with him as much as I would like. I want to be happy but I feel like I can't, almost as if physically restrained.

My mother was placed on Lexapro but ran out and her depression is still present.
I really like slow steady dark rain.

I have had bad memory problems for a while. I forget most of the day by the time. It's been bothering me at school for a while but not to this extent. Maybe falling through a glass door and hitting my head and blacking out had something to do with it.

My parents know about my fatigue and memory problems.

I often have thoughts I wish not to have. Of people I care about dying, being violent, bad things happening to them and for a while, incest. I try to think of doing thing else to make it go away but they still come back.

I miss my boyfriend.
I miss being happy, although I'm only assuming I ever was.

I suppose I would just like to know how I can be happy with such limited resources and an unsupportive family. I don't want to be sick anymore.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You write well and describe your life in great detail....there is no simple way to tell you how to be happy, but you certainly sound like you are going to work it out....but you should get professional help, and you mentioned in your response to Jaquta that your dad almost took you..now is the time to press it, and press him to take action...that seems to be your best bet unless you want to push the guidance counselor to get you more help from the school.

[Jaquta]

That seems pretty full-on and a lot to deal with.

I'm not sure about all the relationships because at times I wonder if you really love them or whether you just want and need the security, comfort and connection that come from them.

As your parents are aware of your fatigue and memory problems, could you use this as leverage to get them to take you to see a doctor?
Could you see a school counselor?

I really think you should speak to someone urgently.  You can't afford to keep going on like this.

There is so much in your post that could be responded too but I think accessing help is the most important thing.
I think your friend needs help too.
Maybe you two could go to the hospital together??  If your parents won't help you get support, get it yourself.  People can help you work through the other issues too.

This is not a game and can get serious and dangerous very fast.
Growing up people at school spoke of suicide and one shot himself while another jumped.  Thinking and talking about suicide are big warning signs.
I too had many of the warning signs you have and one day I just snapped and just had enough.  Lucky for me I wasn't able to concentrate and just about ended up under a truck.
You're extremely bright so you will know you need to do something about your situation.  Try asking a trusted, responsible adult for support.

By the way, that's probably more books than I've read in my entire lifetime.

Good luck with everything.  Let us know how you get on.

[dragornaut]

Well, to respond to your first point to whether or not I really feel love in the relationhips. Things with my boyfriend are different. He's a bright boy who thinks on a different level. He's the only person to think the same way I do. There's so much to him I can say but we were best friends for a while before the relationship escalated.

As for my other sick friend. She goes to two types of therapy and there was a faulting in our relationship and I don't with to be close friends with her anymore. It just isn't worth it.

I've pretty much begged to be taken to a doctor by my parents but mum doesn't do much about it and my father has made appointments but we haven't gone to any in two years.

I've spoken with a guidence counsoler but he's rather busy himself and I can't keep missing classes to see him.

[crazybro]

Dear friend I never managed to get a question through to Dr Gould as questions limits are always full.I would be happy if you could ask him whether I need to restart risperidone at a low dose and taper it off.I am in risperidone withdrawal since 5 days as I had to stop it because of severe side effects.(my last dose was on 21st Oct).

[Jaquta]

Sorry!  I'm having trouble concentrating which may in part be due to lack of sleep too.  
I was out of line saying the things I did about your relationships as I perceive them.
I think friendship, trust and respect are important in relationships.  I think being able to relate and communicate are also very important.
It does sound like depression may be affecting your relationship.

I think distancing yourself from your friend (especially when you're struggling yourself) is a good thing.  It's good that she is receiving support.  I'm sorry for the rift in your relationship.  (Perhaps not too sorry.  It sounds like you may have slightly different values and emotional issues can put a huge strain on you and your relationship).

Would your father make another appointment for you?  If he were, would you be able to attend?
I have come to the conclusion in my own life that making decisions and taking action is about the only thing that will change it.
Have you tried approaching your mother on a good day?  Depression probably doesn't incite her to do much of anything.  She might need some prompting.
There must be some law that mandates your parents provide adequate care for you and take you to a doctor.  I'm not familiar with systems in your country and I wouldn't know where to start to advise you to go to access support.  

I agree.  You shouldn't be missing classes to see a counselor.  I think you need more intensive support though than what can be offered there.

I'm sorry I haven't been very helpful.  The doctor will have more appropriate suggestions for you.  I'm also sure he has come across many concerned and obnoxious parents in his time and he will be better able to advise about how (?and where to go) to get support.

I hope you're doing OK.  Take care.

[Jaquta]

Hey crazybro.  I'm sorry you were unable to post your question.  I don't have any ability to be heard over any other member here.  (Sometimes I wish there were a triage system here.)  You could try logging on at a different time.  There may be spaces available either earlier or later.
You see your own doctor shortly, don't you?  You may get a response sooner from your own doctor.
I'm not sure what the side-effects you had meant.  Or whether your doctor would want you to discontinue your medication.  Sometimes additional medications can be given to combat some symptoms.  I'm not a huge fan of that but I guess if there is a need.
Dr Gould's advice, from memory, was to ask for klonopin (?or Xanax).  That should cover you and not necessitate you go back on the resperidone (if that is what your own doctor thinks is best).  The other medication would help you with the side-effects.
My advice would be to try posting at a different time or to wait for your own doctor's appointment.  There should be someone available for you to discuss these sorts of questions with.  I personally hate most things relating to the administering of mh services and supports.