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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
marital sex problems and incest
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD) , bipolar disorder , dementia , electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) , learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) , panic , personality disorders, phobias , post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , schizophrenia , stress , transitions, and work problems.
marital sex problems and incest
by needhelpinok, Sep 08, 2007 11:22AM
I am a happily married woman (married 10 years), and have two great kids. The only thing lacking truly in my marriage is a happy sex life. I was molested for many years, from about the age of 2-8, until my mom finally escaped the abuse of my stepfather. I never sought therapy, or really talked about what happened to anybody. It was just "buried", and while I do think about the things that happened to me, I don't let it interfere with my life. I have broken free of the clutches of poverty and abuse, and have vowed that my kids' lives would be different. Well, so far so good, but I wonder if my sexual "disfunctions" are a result of my childhood.
I was very promiscuous in high school, but settled down with my now husband when I was 17. I am now almost 32. We have had a normal sex life, for the most part, but ever since our kids were born, my libido has been extremely low, (it wasn't really high to begin with) and I have difficulty achieveing orgasm. I don't masturbate that often, maybe 2-3 times a year, and we maybe have sex 1-3 times a month. When we were younger, we used to have sex all the time, but I always "faked it", and had orgasms maybe 1 out of 5 times. Then we had a huge fight that almost ended our marriage cause my husband found out that I had been faking it. He had also been spying on me to see if and when I was masturbating, and, well, ever since then, I haven't faked it, but I also feel like my privacy has been violated, and that I can't do anything without him "watching" me (regarding masturbation). That has been going on for probably 4-5 years. I would like to change, but don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions on increasing my libido, or anything that might help my sex life be more fulfilling? There is obviously alot going on, and I have just skimmed the surface, but any advice and guidance would be helpful.
I was very promiscuous in high school, but settled down with my now husband when I was 17. I am now almost 32. We have had a normal sex life, for the most part, but ever since our kids were born, my libido has been extremely low, (it wasn't really high to begin with) and I have difficulty achieveing orgasm. I don't masturbate that often, maybe 2-3 times a year, and we maybe have sex 1-3 times a month. When we were younger, we used to have sex all the time, but I always "faked it", and had orgasms maybe 1 out of 5 times. Then we had a huge fight that almost ended our marriage cause my husband found out that I had been faking it. He had also been spying on me to see if and when I was masturbating, and, well, ever since then, I haven't faked it, but I also feel like my privacy has been violated, and that I can't do anything without him "watching" me (regarding masturbation). That has been going on for probably 4-5 years. I would like to change, but don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions on increasing my libido, or anything that might help my sex life be more fulfilling? There is obviously alot going on, and I have just skimmed the surface, but any advice and guidance would be helpful.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Sep 10, 2007 08:36AM
, Sep 10, 2007 08:36AMTo: needhelp
The most important thing I can tell you is the obvious, but sometimes overlooked, fact that in this case the psychological work that has to be done is primarily yours, even though I am sure your husband is making some contribution to the problem. The cycle of abuse, promiscuity to purge yourself of the abuse and express you defiance about sexual exploitation, is a familiar. Now you are ready to dig deeper into your own sexual feelings, and history, and you need to do that to form a new integration of sex and love and trust. The issue is "ownership" of your own sexuality, free from the anger and shame of abuse, or the promiscuous battle of sexes. Books, support groups, and therapy may all help you on this journey of exploration.
