self mutilation

[Jess]

Since I was 14, I've cut myself.  I don't know why.  Sometimes it feels like the only thing that will keep me from going over the edge and killing myself.  I'll go months without doing it, and then I'll have a sort of bad day and go crazy on my arms or legs or stomach.  I've recently started burning myself and it takes so much to not do it, and I want to stop.  What do I do?

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

Repeated self-mutilation is often due to Borderline Personality Disorder, a topic on which you can find more information by searching through our forum archives.  I urge you to seek evaluation by a mental health professional, and to go to the nearest emergency room for immediate psychiatric evaluation, if you have uncontrollable suicidal thoughts.

[april]

Seek help!!!!  Talk to your parents if you can, friends, partner, counselor...anyone!  I once had a friend who did the same thing.  She worried about people thinking she was crazy, so she didn't get help for a long time.  It took a near death experience for her to get help.  I strongly encourage you to talk to someone who can help.  You could even see your family doctor for referrals to someone who specializes in this field. I wish you the best of luck!!

[marie]

I have done that before and have thought of suicide VERY often.  But I realize some of it was so the focus would be on suicide and injury, rather than the real problem that disturbed me so greatly.  I often kept the focus there, because it distracted my therapist and ME from something too painful to deal with.

This may not be your case at all...but I encourage you...if it is, face the problem, however painful.  I finally did and now I am free!  (With medication, of course.)

[traci wagner]

i am a 22 year old young woman whos been cutting since the age of 19. The cutting is usually due to severe depression caused from lack of personal relationships. Needless to say, most of the men in my life have ran in the opposite direction when they learn of my disorder. I just simply cant get them to understand. I have severe trouble being alone. The cutting is my way of escaping reality, so to speak, and physical pain is alot easier to deal with than emotional pain. <especially when there's a whole lot of it!> I do currently see a therapist and am on 4 kinds of medications. The medications do help a great deal, however, the urge to cut is almost always at present. Ive been hospitalized several times due to my excessive cutting and suicidal tendencies. Though, my thoughts of suicide have diminished enough for me to see I have a future, I will probably never give up my beloved razor!

[raz]

Have hope!  I am in my 30's and mutilated for years.  It became very severe and resulted in several 3rd degree burns.  I don't know your history but for me the mutilation was connected with child sexual abuse.  There are wonderful therapists out there who work with sexual abuse/mutilation clients.  You are not a bad person and there are people out there who can help.  Hang in there!!

[clare]

I have been a "cutter" for over a year.  i seem to be fine for months, but then when i have a bad day, out comes the jack-knife onto my legs.  i haven't done it for almost two months, but i know i will do it again.  i don't know what to do to get help, i hate counselors (went through two of 'em), and my best friend just turned her back on me.  besides, none of my friends have kept me from doing anything to stop me yet.  please help me find an alternative.

[jane brown]

im 15 years old. i have been cutting for 2 years now. recently i have been cutting my self severly and have started burning my self. i cut my self most days because it makes me feel so much better. it stops me killing myself. my parents dont know because i rarely see them. my best friend knows but hasnt told anyone and doesnt know how too help me. what should i do? my cuts are now very noticable because i use a sharp blade. help.

[Meghan]

Jane,

It's really important that you get some help with this problem.  Your posting made me feel very sad for you, and it caused me to worry.  I'm a psychology major in college and have learned a little bit about your problem.  You are really on the right track if you're seeking out advice, so good job!  The next step is finding somebody you feel comfortable with to tell about your problem.


If you're not comfortable talking to your parents about this--and I completely understand that--I would encourage you to find someone you feel comfortable with who could talk to you about it.  How about a guidance counselor?  As much as you hear that guidance counselors aren't helpful, they really can be.  My guidance counselor helped me in high school when I needed it.  There are also toll-free confidential hotlines you can call to get some advice.  I'll see what I can find and get back to you about this.

But find somebody to talk to!  Friends can be really supportive, but they are not in a position to help you in ways that adults can, as much as they care.  If you feel sometimes that you want to kill yourself, and you cut yourself instead, then it's DEFINITELY time to get some help.  It can be very lonely, I know.  But I've been through a lot in my own life and take it from me--there's a lot of help and goodness out there.  Be strong and try to find something good in each day.

Please write back if you feel like it.  I'll check back once a week or so in case you decide to write me . . . I'm on the Internet a lot, so it's no burden or anything!  Let me know if you have any more questions or if you just feel like writing more.  I would love to be of whatever help I can.  I hope you won't feel like this posting is condescending or to pushy, and I hope I haven't offended you by offering you my opinion, but I couldn't stand to leave the forum without responding to your posting.  Hang in there!  Strength is part of being human, so you are STRONG!  Remember that.  Take care.  Meghan.

[morley]

i just want to say i know what it is like. i've been cutting since i was about 15, mostly on my arms, and it just gets more and more severe. i've ended up quitting university because my mental health got too bad and i couldn't continue. now i live in a town where i don't know antyone but my boyfriend (who i live with) and i can't even leave the house alone. i almost died in march this year because of what i did to myself. i'm only 22,

i just hope you guys don't end up as pointless a person as i know i am,

best wishes

morley

***@****

[Emily]

I have recently started cutting, but it usually happens when I'm wasted off my ***. I do not usually do it when I am stoned, but I've been doing it when I'm almost sober. I had an abusive boyfriend for a long time, and we recently have started seeing each other again. I have a lot of built-up anger inside. I am a very angry person. I don't know how to cope and my parents are very anti-therapy, very anti-medication.

I am a college student and have gone to get help, but I turned it down in the end. I cannot seem to take my problems seriously. I am afraid to go to a therapist or a psychiatrist because I am afraid that they will think I am a fake.

If anyone has any advice for me, PLEASE email me at ***@**** -- I am browsing the internet and probably will not return to this site.

thanks

emily

[chanel]

All I can say is that life is hard, but somehow we've ALL managed to hold on to it! I've been through many similar experiences. My father died when I was much younger, since then I've been abused by both my parents (since the age of 5). I'm  living with a mother suffering from Manic-depression and a step-father with a psychopathalogical personality disorder, both who still abuse me today. Now at the age 17 I'm falling apart. Self-mutilation did seem a way out of my emotional pain, but I  decided to seek help. I spoke to my guidance councellor (this wasn't easy at first!) ,but today I've realised I'm not alone! If it weren't for that small helping hand, I wouldn't be surving this. Find help, we're only human and sometimes need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to lead the way or just a pillar to lean on. In the end it's whether you have the courage to find that help.. Please, if it weren't for the help I'm getting today. I'm not sure I would have had a future. My goals get me up in the mornings, so does knowing that there is someone there for me! I plan to study Journalism and Psychology at Rhodes University. If I can do it - anybody can! Put your mind on a goal, and get it! Make your goal for today to at least talk to one person about how you're feeling, time will do the rest. Don't wait till you realise you can't do it on your own, sometimes that can be too late..
My love to all, never give up!
x Chanel x

[Lauren]

I'm sorta new to this kinda stuff but here it goes. I have tried to kill myself several times in the past couple years, I am only 15 (going to be 16 on NOv. 27!) But, my family doesn't know about it, and I cut myself my freshmen year in highschool. I really did it because I was riticulled (spelling isn't my stronge subject)everyone would call me fat, and just really be mean to me. Cutting made me feel like I was normal, if I bleed like everyone else did then I was normal. BUT thank God I have great friends and they pulled me out of it and did weekly wrist checks lol and stuff like that but recently I met a guy and we were going out but "talking" so one day I was like I love you and I didn't really mean it like I want you to ask me out but he said to me that he'd never go out with someone as fat as me, so since that day I haven't eaten. My friends don't know, at lunch I just say I don't feel good or that I'm jsut not hungry. It's only been 2 weeks so I'm ok, and I"ve lost 15 pounds and have a new boyfriend who loves me who what I am, but he doens't know or realize I don't eat either, It's ok I'll live!

thanks for listening

[Becky]

I just want to say that people really need to be more open minded and sensitive to people with problems like self-mutilation.  I have been cutting myself for only a couple years, but i have literally hundreds of scars on my forearms. I was threatened to be kicked out of my college due to by problems, despite the fact that I had a 4.0 GPA and I never posed a threat to anyonw but myself.  I feel like NO ONE cares if I am here or not, but i can't bring myself to commit suicide because I am afraid i might go to hell. I am just beginning a therapy program that my school required me to do if i wanted to stay there, and I think it is helping.  Don't wait until you get too deep before you get help.  I am GLAD I got caught, because now I feel like there's a hope for me to recover. i have a boyfriend that is very supportive of my problems. if everyone could be that supportive, i think most of us self-mutilators could get better.  PLEASE, if you know anyone who is a self-mutilator, don't be digusted by them or hate them- that just makes them more likely to kill themselves. Instead, try to HELP. Getting help may be a humbling experience in which your pride suffers a great deal, but it is WORTH IT.  Life is so much better than going to hell.

[shelly]

Looking back, I think I've suffered anxiety and depression for my entire life. It was so debilitating I couldn't finish school. I started hurting myself about a year ago. Although I don't use a knife, I've stabbed and scratched myself with pens etc., but during severe depressive episodes I take to raking my fingernails down my face til it marks. I find the pain "wakes" me up from the "trance" I experience. I also bang my head against walls and other hard objects.
I'm currently taking Luvox (my fourth antidepressant) and Xanax, and seeing a psychiatrist, however I still feel worthless, useless, suicidal, you know how it goes. I have the greatest boyfriend in the world who understands and supports me, and yet I can't find a worthwhile reason to live.
I've discovered through an endocrinologist that I have severely high cortisol levels in the blood, so this is currently being investigated as the cause of my anxiety, so who knows? There may be hope for me yet.

Thanx. And hang in there.   :)

[Nestle]

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I too used to cut when I was a teen.  Im now 27 and have begun cutting again, this time more severly.  I have to admit the first step to recovery is to seek help.  Cutting and mental disorders are very lonely.  It seems at the time you are the only one person in the world.  But there are other people out there who understand.  I too would like to stop cutting.  I agree that it feels better than what is in my head.  Its almost a cleansing of the soul.  If only i could cry instead, it would be healthier.  We all have to remember, we are not alone.  And even during the worst of times, remember what we go through and get through will make us stronger people through therapy.  WE have to fight this disease.  No matter how weak we feel.