telling teenagers about parent's addiction

[corbett]

My husband of five years is a physician and an active addict.  Several years ago when his sons were 5 and 7 he was in rehab for 3 months from his addiction to Vicodin and Percocet . At that time his sons were only told that he was sick and had to go away. After being clean for several years, he has stopped going to AA and NA and is using again. Now that the boys are 13 and 15 and are being exposed in their peer groups to alcohol and other drugs what should they be told about their father's addiction and by who? I met him when he was clean but knew about his previous drug problem.  When I discovered pills in drawers/cabinets I told him that if he started using again I wanted him to find somewhere else to live. He threw the pills down the toilet and said he would do his best to quit and would do anything I wanted him to do.  Therapy, drug testing etc. I wasn't  sure what to do and he did not seek help on his own. Three weeks later he was lethargic one evening and not himself. I suspected he was using.  The next morning I asked him to give me a urine specimin which he reluctantly agreed to. It was negative but showed a 6.7 creatinine mg/dl reading- diluted!  I have not shared the results with him yet. What does a spouse do when confronted with such a situation?  Previously I was married to an alcoholic for 24 years and told him I can not go through this again. His sons live with their mother two hours away but my husband visits them every Wednesday and every weekend. He is a wonderful person, a good father, and a loving husband but is headed down the wrong road, one he has traveled before. I thought our marriage was good but now I have my doubts.  The trust is disappearing and I am shutting down emotionally.  I know I need help and will start going back to Al-Anon and find a good therapist soon. I am tempted to tell his nurses, his sons and his first wife so that he will not be alone in this addiction but is that my place? What would that solve? Help me please...

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I believe that the most important thing to do is to get your husband into the hands of a therapist and a program.  Telling others may backfire in any number of ways, but if you decide to do that it ought to be for a purpose, and that is to overcome his resistance to getting help.

You need to do what you described for yourself, and make the important life choice of whether you want to be there for him, or remove yourself.  Make that choice slowly and carefully, and factor into it whether he actually gets some good help, and gets it quickly.