what can i do? hate problem?

[HELPLESS23]

hi
this is about my husband.he is 30years. he has had a very bad childhood.he didn't have father's love and his mother send him to his aunt's house which made him think that his mother loves his brother so she kept the brother and send my husband away.so he didn't get mothers love since he was 6-7years.he has started to hate his parents for this.at his aunt's home he was very alone and he didn't get the love he needed.since the childhood he is used to hating people and society.
he has been cheated by his gfs.

still, he gets angry, tries to take revenge and hate when something doesnt happen the way he wants.he just hates the world.talks about satanism and says we should take revenge if someone hurts us.he listens to metal music says it teaches him to hate and says he wants other people to dislike him.

what is this? how can i help him? i just want him to give up the hate and be peaceful thank you very much

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

This is a problem that neither you nor anybody else can do much about other than to constantly remind your husband that he must go into psychotherapy and deal with his hate or anger before he hurts someone else or puts the whole family into a great deal of trouble.  He cannot have a good life carrying around this much hate.  This is something that psychotherapy can help so help them get the help he needs.

[DizzyDolly]

Psychotherapy is supposed to help people come to turms with unresolved issued, particulary in childhood. Try helping him to realise that this hate isn't punishing anyone except himself as well as upsetting you and does nothing upon those he resents. It's toxic. Hopefully this will encourage him to seek help.

[HELPLESS23]

he says hating gives him satisfaction.and he is not ready to give up on hate. how can i make him see that hate is harmful? any sites with info? i failed to find any...... i really need to make him see that its useless.but he keeps on saying that it makes him happy

[Jaquta]

Being angry can help to off-set the trauma that has been endured.  He must have been hurt a lot.  Or very deeply.  
Anger and hatred are rarely constructive emotions.

What helped me process some of my more intense feelings regarding several people was to imagine them as babies in nappies crawling around a busy shopping mall with a rattle.  I read this exercise in a book somewhere.
I felt it diminished the power (and control) they had over me.  Your husband could visualize any scenario he wanted too.  Whatever works for him.  As soon as you regain your sense of power and control the hurt, anger and hatred subside.

J

[Jaquta]

Revenge almost implies that he has done something wrong??
His family took advantage of him because he was a young, innocent child.  He deserved better.

[HELPLESS23]

he is thinking about such things like smashing their heads to walls cutting them and letting them bleed etc it makes his hate more powerful

[Jaquta]

That is a lot of hatred.  That must be extreme distressing for you to hear.

I don't believe your husband wants people to dislike him.  I think disliking him makes him feel powerful and safe in a strange sort of way.  At least if people hate him he doesn't have to fear them getting close and rejecting or hurting him.

To be honest, I don't think I'd tolerate his behavior.  And I expect it will get worse before it gets better.
I would strongly recommend following up on the doctor's recommendation of getting your husband into psychotherapy.  It will be difficult but it's what he needs.

If you feel safe doing so, perhaps you could set limits on some of his behaviors.
Also, if you ever feel unsafe, leave or call the police.

J

[HELPLESS23]

thanks i thought that way too. if ppl dislike, they cant come close and hurt. so how do i make him agree to go for treatments? he is not ready to give up hate because hating makes him happy. i need info about some sites where there are details about disadvantages of hate... or even books....

[Jaquta]

Do you think he would go to therapy for you?  If he respects/ loves you enough he may go for you.  It could be one way to get him through the door.

I disagree.  I think he thinks it makes him happy but really it just masks other stuff that is way more painful.

Hate/ anger.  Try looking up books, etc on anger management, etc.  Anger could drive his hatred.

Perhaps, if he doesn't feel he needs therapy, then you could ask him to see a ?Dr/ T and let him ?prove he doesn't need it.  They're the wrong words but you could almost draw him in, get him in a position where he feels in control.  And let him do your bidding (seeing a T, which will benefit him (and you)).

Play it how you think is best.  Try to minimize any hurt or loss of trust, etc though.  Being there for him and supporting him could be important (if everybody else has abandoned and rejected him).

I've been hurt in the past and have at times struggled with therapy.  I expect your husband may find it challenging too to start with.  Looking at our pasts, etc can be extremely painful.  I went through the whole process of denial, grief, etc.  Therapy is hard work.  It still has benefits though.

J

[HELPLESS23]

he does love me.but he says dont try to change him.so he wont go in for me. hating the world seems like the happiness to him.i will try to talk about this with him again. he has rejected even talking about his hate when i tried earlier... thank  you

[Jaquta]

Changing may invalidate his sense of hurt or loss.  I felt needing to change meant everything was my fault.  It can hurt when you feel you must change to be accommodated.  It kind of represents more victimization in a way.

Accept him for who he is but don't tolerate his degree of hatred, it's unhealthy.
If he's not receptive to discussing his feelings, perhaps you could discuss yours.
When you do x, y, z I feel a, b, c, d. ??

J

[Jaquta]

In therapy when I didn't want to talk about something I was asked why.

[HELPLESS23]

i will try to talk with him and will let you know what happens thank you.... he is under work stress these days im waiting till he calms down

[Jaquta]

Good idea.  I don't think you would get a great reception if you tried to push the issue when he's already very stressed.  Perhaps supporting him now is the best thing.  Perhaps being there for him may even strengthen the relationship.  Especially when he's been abandoned and rejected so much in the past.

Take care
J

[helpme914]

hi, i tried to talk with him and he says no he doesnt want to change. even when i cry, he doesnt care, doesnt feel sad.... and now he says, he does not want to do what i like and keep me happy... he says i should be happy no matter what he does. he says its his life, he would do whatever he wants and started to smoke pot... now what? im so helpless and sad....

[helpme914]

i forgot my password for the other profile sorry im just under so much stress

[Jaquta]

Dr Gould wrote in his book, Shrink Yourself: Break free from emotional eating forever, that we can only ever change ourselves (and sometimes through our change, others will change).
Forget your husband and his issues, work on your own.

You might find a copy of Dr Gould's book in your local library.  I've found it difficult reading (possibly because it looks at emotions -things I try to avoid) but it makes a lot of sense and can be incredibly useful if you apply the material to your own life.
It also addresses issues you've raised in your post.

J

[zack32]

Read scriptures that speak of the blessings when one is peaceable and the harsh reality of one who is not.