what is wrong with me?

[jennifer]

i am 18 years old though i sometimes wonder where those years have gone because i dont remember a lot of them.  since i was about 14 years old i have had these feelings, episodes, thoughts, and crazes.  from 14-16 i was just always depressed. i hardly spoke, i cried a lot, i wrote a lot, and i listened to music. i never told my parents about how i feel and i dont think i ever will. for the last 2 years or so i have had very different feelings.  sometimes i am so energetic, crazy, happy, loud, colorful, etc.. And other times I dont say anything and i cry. i run into walls, i cut my arms, i burn myself, etc.  sometimes i can sleep for days and other times i stay awake for days straight.. sometimes i am social and outgoing.. sometimes i sit in a corner wishing i was alone.. i have problems in school.. i had straight A's in high school and went on to one of the best schools in the country.. however, i have never lifted a finger to get to where i am..i dont study i dont pay attention.. actually, thats wrong.. i CANT pay attention.. i doodle, i write my name over and over again, i write little notes to other classmates and friends.. i write song lyrics down, i do everything except what im supposed to be doing..  that is just an insight i suppose.. if anyone has any ideas help me out.. thanks

[HFHS M.D.-SW]

Dear Jennifer,

It must be difficult to suffer with so many complaints and concerns for such a long time.

Your symptoms may be psychiatric or medically caused or both
You may be suffering from mood swings, personality disorders, or the effects of drugs if you are a substance abuser.
The following is a brief disciption of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder
Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder, borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder.

In Bipolar the sufferer may cycle between periods of depression (loss of interest or pleasure in activities, disturbed sleep, decreased motivation, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, decreased energy, impaired concentration, changes in appetite, irritability, psychomotor retardation, decreased sexual desire and suicidal ideation) and mania (decreased need to sleep, impulsive behavior, spending sprees, flight of ideas, euphoria,
pressured speech and if extreme hallucinations) some patients may use alcohol or drugs to self medicate their mood.
    
In Borderline Personality Disorder the sufferer may present with mood swings (similar to but not as extreme as bipolar), impulsive behavior (spending sprees, substance abuse), self mutilating or suicidal behavior, difficulty maintaining longterm relationships, alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, feelings of emptiness similar to depression.

I recommend you seek psychiatric treatment for your problems.

Best Wishes,


HFHS M.D.-SW

[Your best friend]

Goddamn it Jennifer.  Why can't you just make your life better? You know exactly what you have to do...so just do it! So many people love and care about you and why do you think you deserve to be in this condition. You will never reach your full potential like this.  Please get some help.

lululululululululu 4eva

[stephanie]

Dear Jennifer,

while I feel "your best friend" was too harsh in her expression of care for you, I do agree that you do not deserve to be lost in the torment you describe.  I also agree with the doctor that you would benefit from psychiatric treatment.  If you are uncomfortable talking with your parents or feel they would devalue your experience and struggle, you can call your local mental health center or health department and ask for a list of free or sliding-fee-scale counselors.  Be open and honest about your symptoms like you were above; a trained therapist will be able to recognize specific possibilities based on those symptoms.  Since you are 18 you will not have to have parental permission to be treated.  
Please make some calls soon, because the sooner you call the sooner you can begin to feel better.  In the meantime, try not to hurt yourself.  when your feelings and thoughts overwhelm you, take a walk, take a bath, listening to soft, calming music, call a trusted adult to talk, drink some decaf tea or hot cocoa.  When you have an urge to cut yourself, try drawing on your arms with a red ink marker, to look like blood instead of drawing real blood.  If you feel a need to feel pain, hold an ice cube under your armpit for ten minutes, or press a fingernail into your cuticles for ten minutes (or until the urge passes).  In these ways you can satisfy your urges without causing yourself long-term harm.  But remember these are temporary solutions to long-term problems...make those calls and find a trained therapist.  You deserve to feel better! -Stephanie