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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
what to believe?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD) , bipolar disorder , dementia , electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) , learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) , panic , personality disorders, phobias , post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , schizophrenia , stress , transitions, and work problems.
what to believe?
by whataboutbob, May 17, 2004 12:00AM
My husband & I have been married 12 years. He has always had problems keeping jobs he either changes jobs (he has had more than 30 since I've known him) or quits and goes to bed. He won't get up for anything! Nothing matters bills, kids, nothing we've almost lost our home and then one day he just gets back up & does double time to make up for all the bills that were neglected during that time. Other times he wants to buy things, for example a big screen TV & is like a child, won't let up until he gets it.
He says he gets racing thoughts & they just won't quit, sleep is his only relief from them.
February I noticed "the change" & was worried about him quitting his job but he had finally found one he liked & was always talking about how wonderful it was, but his moods where like they had been in the past. I was very worried.
Only this time instead of quitting his job he decided I was what made his life unhappy & looked up an ex-girlfriend, told me that he had always been inlove with her & he just married me because he couldn't have her that he never loved me. He saw her once (I don't believe anything sexual happened) when he went out of town for his grandfathers funeral and that is when he decide all this. After that he went to stay at his sister's and continued phone calls and emails with the ex, telling her he loved her and wanted to be w/her if I divored him. At the same time he kept telling me he is worthless. He after a couple weeks came home & told me how he had this idea that he thought she was going to "fix" him that if he had her his life would have been different he would be happy problem was she never made him happy. but that he had this problem long before he ever met either one of us. He said for the first time in his life that he knows he is the problem not a job or a person(his dad or mom or me).
He was home 2 months when I found out that he had started emailing the ex again. He says it's not about her the person it's the "image" They were innocent emails but it still upset me. When I found out he was very scared and remorseful.
I also want to add that when he gets in this mode it's like he is a different person. He can't be reasoned with at all! There is no logic in his descions.
None of the ex thing made since to me. we were a happy couple & have common interests & have a great time together when he is himself. I also would like the add that the "reasons" I didn't make him happy were things like I didn't sit next to him on the couch enough or we have 5 kids & at dinner time I get there stuff ready & then ours & he said that by my doing that he felt as if he was being fed leftovers.
He has told me that if he didn't have a problem that our marriage would be as good as one could get and that he never would have looked the ex.
I don't know what to believe did he do this & is trying to blame the depression or could something mental cause this behavior? I don't believe he is the type to cheat
He says he gets racing thoughts & they just won't quit, sleep is his only relief from them.
February I noticed "the change" & was worried about him quitting his job but he had finally found one he liked & was always talking about how wonderful it was, but his moods where like they had been in the past. I was very worried.
Only this time instead of quitting his job he decided I was what made his life unhappy & looked up an ex-girlfriend, told me that he had always been inlove with her & he just married me because he couldn't have her that he never loved me. He saw her once (I don't believe anything sexual happened) when he went out of town for his grandfathers funeral and that is when he decide all this. After that he went to stay at his sister's and continued phone calls and emails with the ex, telling her he loved her and wanted to be w/her if I divored him. At the same time he kept telling me he is worthless. He after a couple weeks came home & told me how he had this idea that he thought she was going to "fix" him that if he had her his life would have been different he would be happy problem was she never made him happy. but that he had this problem long before he ever met either one of us. He said for the first time in his life that he knows he is the problem not a job or a person(his dad or mom or me).
He was home 2 months when I found out that he had started emailing the ex again. He says it's not about her the person it's the "image" They were innocent emails but it still upset me. When I found out he was very scared and remorseful.
I also want to add that when he gets in this mode it's like he is a different person. He can't be reasoned with at all! There is no logic in his descions.
None of the ex thing made since to me. we were a happy couple & have common interests & have a great time together when he is himself. I also would like the add that the "reasons" I didn't make him happy were things like I didn't sit next to him on the couch enough or we have 5 kids & at dinner time I get there stuff ready & then ours & he said that by my doing that he felt as if he was being fed leftovers.
He has told me that if he didn't have a problem that our marriage would be as good as one could get and that he never would have looked the ex.
I don't know what to believe did he do this & is trying to blame the depression or could something mental cause this behavior? I don't believe he is the type to cheat
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., May 17, 2004 12:00AM
, May 17, 2004 12:00AM
Your husbands behavior represents a real problem he is having with himself, and he should get help for himself. You should encourage that, it will help him keep a perspective. You might also try a few sessions of marital counseling so he begins to understand how much of his problem he is falsely projecting on you, making himself into the kid with leftovers, and you into the depriving mother who does not value him.
Member Comments (1)
by CertPsychRN, May 31, 2004 12:00AM
To: whataboutbob
Your husband should be evaluated for Bipolar Disorder..he has the classic symptoms. It sounds as if when he is in a manic phase, that is when he gets up and works double time; when he's depressed, work stops. Racing thoughts are prominent in the "up" phase;so is not sleeping. This irrational thinking re: your marriage, ex-girlfriend, e-mails, etc. all could be related to the delusional thinking some people have in a manic phase. If the Dr. puts him on a mood stabilizer, possibly along with a low dose anti-psychotic medication, his behavior should become stable. Don't give up..there are soooo many options!
