relapsed and suicidal

i went to a family doc and he gave me opiates to stop the crash of methadone, but it just prolonged my w/d...I go back to him tomorrow but i am in agony and angry and suicidal. I spiraled out of control in less than twenty four hours after he gave me the drugs. I was accused of not doing a **** test, but inadvertantly and with a doctor i did not know. I had been clean for three and some  years, going to school and excelling at everything..I was on methadone, but it was saving my life. I came out of a psych ward into a commitment hearing and then into a treatment program where they put me on methadone for chronic pain and addiction to opiates. I have never failed a **** test , and could have cared less if they took one, she just told me to do lab before i saw her again in 4 weeks. I went to the front desk with the lab sheet, and they set it up for 4 weeks away. I came in and gave it ....and the doctor flipped on me from the second she saw me...drilled me for half an hour over and over....shame based ****.... and i got up and left. cut off cold turkey, no warning,,, nada. 4 days later all hell came to me....before i left though, i did ask her for something for withdrawals, and she flipped me a scrip for clonidine, 5 days worth. she said i would have the flu for two days, and that i wouldnt die. She was ignorant in her analysis of w/d. I nearly killed myself twice, have guns and ammo ready and finally relapsed onto alcohol and weed. I slept though, for the first time in 14 days. Nothing left to say...I feel bad

[JenniferLutt]

Hang in there..if it gets real bad go to the ER they will help tell them what you are doing as far as the methadone goes they will help DONT let them give you more pain pills tho. Clonidine helps but not completely also you may ask them for something for anxiety there are some over the counter herbal supp. you can take I found that antioxidents and vit C helped me a lot. I could just suck on a Vit. C tablet and feel the difference. DONT kill yourself it will solve nothing. Just remember when you get thru all of this you can look back and it will just be a memory. It is natural to get deppressed coming off of it and it sounds if that dr should be sued b/c what she did is malpractice. Also get you some lavander eps n salts and soak in a hot tub of water as long as you can stand it that will help with the aches and pains. Feel free to message me on here I will add you as a friend and keep a close eye on my messages maybe I can help you.