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Is this a midlife crisis?
My husband and I have been married for 21 years.  Our marriage has been pretty good all these years except for our sex life.  It started out pretty good, but over the years he would get frustrated with me and call me names and swear at me when I wasn't behaving like he thought I should in bed.  Now, sex with him feels like a test.  He starting threatening me with an affair last year and talked about moving out earlier this summer.  The other night after he had several drinks he told me he was sick of everything always having to be my way and what about what he wanted?  He brought up the fact that he doesn't like the color of my nail polish, but I won't change it just to spite him.  He wants me to grow my hair long, but won't speak to me for days on end if I go get it trimmed and he says I get it cut on purpose just to spite him.  He doesn't like a particular dress and he says I wear it anyway just to spite him.  I have never argued with him, swore at him, yelled at him, I have always been supportive, complimentary and encouraging of everything he did.  He called me a cold hearted prude b - - - - the other night.  He also is drinking heavily and says it's because of me.  Where do I draw the line between pleasing him and feeling like a doormat?  He says if I don't change he's leaving.  
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Your husband sounds a lot like me.  I dont know if its a mid life crisis, but I was diagnosed with a major depression disorder.  I was doing all of the things your husband was doing.  It ended up getting better for a while then I went into complete destruction mode.  Was mad at my wife and kids for no reason, and that would upset me, then I would self destruct.  Drinking alot, eating horribly, putting on a ridiculous amount of weight.

I started to recover from that.  From there I went on to have an affair.  Worst move of my life.  I love my wife with all of my heart, but for some selfish unknown reason I did this.  Maybe it was to further punish myself, I dont know.

If you can, have a serious sit down talk with your husband.  Tell him your concerns about his health and mental health.  Ask him if he will go see a doctor for his problems, and a therapist for his emotional issues.  Tell him that you'll go with.

The hardest thing for me to do was swallow my pride and go to a therapist, but its the best move I've ever made.  I may be able to salvage my marriage, but am damn glad that I am addressing problems that I just put away without dealing with them.  Talking to my therapist ended up being the easiest thing in the world, I ended up pouring my guts out, and started feeling better about me.
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