Midlife Crisis User Group
help me understand
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A place where people can come to discuss their experience with midlife crisis. Support and words of wisdom for the spouse that is not in crisis, what is going on in the head of the spouse who is in crisis, how each party can best handle it, what works and does not work.

Founded by j7653 on October 2, 2009
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help me understand

so i guess i'm looking to understand mid life crisis.  from a man's point of view.  i'm female and i was with the my boyfriend for ten years.  we got engaged two years into the relationship and we just never got married, he's ten years older than me.  i'm 29 now, and he's 40.  right around his 40th birthday this year, he disappeared, said he was meeting a friend at the airport, turned his phone off and i didn't see him for days.  he even missed the birthday dinner i had planned on his birthday.  after his little disappearance he was moody, fussy, yelling at me all the time, then all of a sudden told me to "get the f*ck out" of the house we shared and told me he was taking a two week vacation to florida and then probably moving there.  he chased me out of our house, i'm devastated and he won't talk to me at all.  said i wouldn't understand and to me it's just so cold hearted, i gave this person ten years of my life and they can just throw me away like a sack of garbage.  please help me understand.  i'm so devastated, it would have almost been easier if the person just died instead of torturing me this way.  

this is the ultimate betrayal for me.  i'm heartbroken.
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4 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm sorry for the pain you're in.
We are all individuals and we try to deal with these life changes as best we can but when you don't know what is going on within it is impossible to talk about it. He seems to be quite aggressive, I was the opposite. I tried to work it out on my own at first, but I didn't know what I was trying to deal with. It's very hard to explain to anyone how it feels. For me it is like having a knife in my heart and it hurts like crazy. I've been dealing with it for 12 months now and although I have control now my pain is still with me. For me I think that it is a conflict with myself over feelings I have for another woman, that I shouldn't have. It sounds like there is someone else that he my be involved with and can't or doesn't have the guts to talk openly about it to you. You have to deal with this with your eyes wide open and maybe you need to just break away and get on with your life and I now that it is not that simple with the pain you're in.

I'm happy to talk more if you need to.

Take care of yourself. You can't help him whilst he is like this and trying to understand it doesn't end the pain.
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thank you, you're right understanding doesn't end the pain. i think i'm still in shock over this whole ordeal, i literally feel like a piece of trash tossed away.  i know that's dramatic but my heart has been totally shattered.  thank you, i might be writing you in the future for further insight.  i hope you work through your situation and it turns out well. :)
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Avatar_m_tn
You are not trash and I do understand how you feel.

I think that my problem is that this other woman and I have not been able to talk it through, we still work together, and that's why it has dragged on for so long. I'm almost at a stage were I will have to take her aside and have my say to try to end the tension between us both.

You're always welcome to talk.

Take care.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have nothing to say to that other then only time can help your heart break and for you to to understand this is not about you and this person obviously had bigger problems and this is a blessing in disguise.

But I am sorry for the time it has hurt you.
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