Midlife Crisis User Group
midlife crisis
About This Group:

A place where people can come to discuss their experience with midlife crisis. Support and words of wisdom for the spouse that is not in crisis, what is going on in the head of the spouse who is in crisis, how each party can best handle it, what works and does not work.

Founded by j7653 on October 2, 2009
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midlife crisis

I have recently divorced my husband of 12.5 years after a year and a half of trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  He came home the week before mother's day in 2009 and was very quiet and withdrawn.  I tried to ask what was wrong and no response.  We have 2 small boys he would talk a little to them and leave me completely out.  Then Mother's day he gives me a gift bag from the kids to me, the next night at supper I asked why he is so quiet and not speaking to me...he states "I don't love you...I love you but not like I should love my wife."  I was so shocked...my marriage flashed before my eyes.  I cried and then had to get ready for work..I am a nurse.  I went in the emotionally drained state to work that night and thought and rethought why??and all the feelings just played over and over in my mind all night...He was in tears too...My family, parents and sibling live out of state so I told my husband I would leave and go with our children to my family and give him time to think about his feelings.  I clearly didn't want a divorce but my husband had mentioned living in a separate house and wanted the children and I to live nearby...We separated anyway and It was horrible for me and the kids..My husband seemed to be content with everything but played the role to the common friends in our town like I had abandoned him...I begged him month after month to seek counseling.  I am a christian and he claimed for years to be, even lead the music at our church.  He repeatedly stated that his feelings had not changed towards me.Our separation lasted about 7 months and then in Dec. of 2009 he did not ask me to return but said that he was willing after I begged to try again to work this out he agreed to go back to church and to seek counseling.  I returned on Jan 3rd to our home with our children.  I knew things would be odd at first but prayed with time and counseling we could work things out.  Wrong, after the first week of my husband being so completely different I discovered emails he had sent to a mutual female friend of ours who is married, also let me just tell you My husbands character had completely changed.  He had a new hair style, was working out at the Gym and taking body builder  suppliments and drinking large quantities of whiskey.  I was determined to stick it out and see if time and prayer and patience would be able to help things.  He was very Hypersexual and very disatisfied with me.  He said there was no passion in our sex life and that if I wanted him to want me I had to make him want me.  This man had a good wife a little overweight and I had lost 30 lbs while separated and was trying to appeal to him but nothing mattered to him.  He lived on his cell phone and constatly stayed on it texting someone.  I found the emails...confronted him and the married friend of ours about the emails and they both said it was innocent joking...Not funny and I never read anything from her to him but my vows were with him and not her anyway.  After months of rejection and verbal negativity I finally after hearing over and over from him that he didn't want me filed for divorce.  I never imagined my marriage ending like this, I was faithfull and good to him.  I spent my time cooking and caring for our children and had gotten my nursing licens in 2006 after caring for our special need child who passed away in 2000.  I have researched all the midlife crisis info I can get my hands on and just can't seem to get passed this...All areas point to him going through a crisis...I have letters and cards he wrote me earlier in our marriage and I just can't believe his statement that all these years he was living a lie.  I read where midlife crisis can be brought on by a string of devastating events...I failed to mention this..in 2000 to no suprise we lost our first child...it was very difficult and though we got through it, In 2001 we were blessed with a healthy baby boy and did great then in 2002 another little boy...in 2003 my husbands mother died after living with serious illness for many years, my husbands brother a herroin attict died in 2004 and then in 2008 the straw that broke the camels back...his Dad suddenly died of heart failure unexpectedly...I supported him through all these events and tried my best to be a good wife during all things...we had typical ups and downs with finances and his daughter from his previous marriage but nothing to equate getting a divorce...???anyone who has any advice or assistance for me having closure please feel free to reply
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7 Comments
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm sorry things ended that way for you. Through reading a lot of similar posts I consider myself one of the lucky ones to still have my beautiful wife with me. It appears that guys going through this react and try to deal with it in different ways and so many end up losing or giving up the ones they love because they can't work through their feelings. I reacted the same way he did initally and I saw the hurt I was causing and it caused me a great deal of pain to see what I was doing, but I was in such a mess. I would often find myself crying over it because of what I was doing and I couldn't stop it.

Though things are better now, it takes a long time to get over. I know and trust that time will heal these wounds.

Best wishes to you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Perhaps I too went through a mid-life crisis. (Buying a Corvette would have been a lot less stressful than the crap I put my wife and family through).  

I think a lot of things can put this into motion.  I have had a depression issue for as long as I can remember.  Being the tuff guy I thought I was, I never sought any professional help for it....because men dont do that.  (Dumb typical male stereotype)  Stress, insecurity, complacency, lack of communication.....you name it, it can be a cause.  Each case is different.

When it comes to finding closure, I guess time is your best friend.  Perhaps seek a bit of counseling for yourself.  (My wife and I are working through my dilema, and I have found talking to a counselor to be very theraputic.... I have learned alot about myself and life in general.)

I wish you luck.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you so much for your honest opinion..Did you and your wife remain married through you issues?  I wish yall both the best...stick with it and thanks for sharing!
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Avatar_m_tn
We managed to stay married through all of my issues, but are still dealing with the affair.  The affair started off innocently enough after making contact with an old girlfriend through an internet social networking site.  After a few weeks of chit chat, it ramped up.

February of this year, the physical part of the affair took place.  (Until this point it had been strictly on line/emotional)  The affair was exposed in June....

So since June, and since we decided to work thru this, I knew I had to address not only this but all of my issues.  I hope and pray that we'll be ok.  I know that things have changed.  I just know that I had to address thse issues regardless of what happens, but am very dedicated to repairing this relationship.  Fortunately enough, my wife is just as dedicated.
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband of 31 years announced he was in midlife crisis.  That only equated to an affair.  I learned he had been calling this alienator since at least early March; I filed for divorce in mid March. He told me we were just two different people, living two differnt lives. He had had an affair 19 years ago, but we, I thought, worked through it.  Boy, was I wrong. Even though we moved and started over in a different town, he still just wanted another woman to have sex with. He is now (and has been since before the divorce was final!!!) trying to introduce her to our children, who want nothing to do with her, and even bringing her to their homes unannounced to force them to start accepting her.  He has even told our daughter of his inability to have sex with her, and tells one of our sons she is so tiny (120 lbs, and I am heavier) that he is afraid he will break her!!!  He has no compassion for their feelings, only that on the end of his man-member.  Wouldn't work on US, just wanted to work on HER.  Where is the compassion??? I guess partly the fact that his mom was horrible to her growing up, according to my counselor, and that he hasn't come to terms with his father's death in 2008 from an aneurism (aneurysm).  Poor excuse, when I was here to talk to, but we had little to no communication.
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband of 18 yrs says hes lost his loving feelings not just for me but for anyone he doesnt even like bieng lovey dovey or anything hes been like this for 7months now he says he doesnt want a divirce n that he loves me but just wants some space and still wants me to call him up :/ id this a midlife chrisis hes 49 im 39 we have 4 teenagers.
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Avatar_f_tn
I dont know what to do :(
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