I really don't know where to start. I am a 25 year old in the military, been in it for seven years now. I have been to Iraq in back with the most recent being 2004-2006. When I came back I was diagnoised with being emotionally detatched and having very little emapathy for those around me. I met my ex husband before my deployment and we married when we returned home in 2006, that marriage lasted an entire nine months. We were both deployed and were changed with our time over there, we were at different locations saw each other a total of seven times in those 18 months. At first I blamed him for the destruction of our marriage, due to him not being ambitious enough and lacking the compassion that I needed along with his drinking problem. I felt I had lost a part of my humanity over there and wanted so desperatly to have it back, I have failed miserably. I later realized it had a great deal to do with me also, my loss of emotional feeling toward him and the anger that I felt inside.
I blame both of us now, for jumping right into marriage after being seperated for so long, we had changed, we were not the same people that fell in love all those years ago. It took me a long time to accept that neither one of us was good for each other that we were leading each other down a dangerous path that wasn't helathy for either of us. The divorce was rough I think mainly on his part, because by that point and time I had lost all emotional feelings and empathy for him, I decided that I didn't love him any more and my resentment towards him only fueled the fire. Almost three years later we have both talked and saw where we had drastcially messed up, he has moved on and so have I.
Two years ago I met the man that I am with now, he is a good guy and I love him, he is the father of my daughter, which is the best thing that has happened to me, ever. He is a civilian and we had some bumpy spots the first year due to his lack of knowledge of the military. Mainly that there are so many males and of course all the crazy stories that go around. I love him, but sometimes I feel I am right back where I struggled so hard to come from. He has told me on some occassions that I am cold as ice and that I lack the emotions of being able to empathize with him, I don't disagree. I really try to undersand where he is coming from, he has never really been the type to just listen without bringing up some story of his, I understand he is trying to relate, but it just doen't do it for me... I tried to open up to him once before about what types of things go through my mind, some of the things I experienced over there, and my outlook on things and why I am the am I am needles to say it turned out being about him and his experience. I really just want him to listen and maybe he could understand why I act the way I do sometimes. I can go from being happy to just completley pissed off and really no good reason.
When times are great they are great.. Sometimes though I dwelve in the past and the experiences that I had over there and it takes me to a dark place and at that point I want no contact with anybody, the only one that can bring me back to the light is my daughter. I sometimes wonder if my past will come back seeking vengeance and take it out on her, yes I know that sounds very negative but I don't do good in situations when I am not in control, I am a loose cannon ecspecially when it comes to my family being hurt or damaged. I mean what do you call someone who ponders on the of what if's and the reaction that I portray in my mind and what I would do in that situation.
I don't really have anyone to talk to, I just want somebody to realize that I am not the hardass that I act like, I am tired of always having to be the strong one and telling everybody else everything is going to be okay, when for once I want somebody to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I just want my SO to hold me and show me the compassion that I so desire, instead of him not giving the effort to try and figure out the person that I really am, the one that was here before the war, I want to be her but I know that if things keep going on the way they are she gets farther and farther away. I don't want my daughter to grow up knowing that she is the only stability in my life, that is not her burden to bare.
I guess what my question is did I really get over the emotional detatachment or was it just masked because I had a new relationship or am I just not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with the man I love? How does one overcome this?
I don't know if any of this will make sense to the readers, but I do feel as though there has to somebody out there who is going through the same thing as I am and they can relate.
Thank you for your sharing of your story and I am sure others may have input also for you, I would like to suggest that you also put this up on the PTSD forum ,this forum isnt always used a lot as you will see by the dates, there are other forums that deal with similar questions,there is also the expert/Doctor forums, have a browse around. I am sure you have been through a lot and it is bound to effect you, I would suggest some Therapy ,I think we all delve into the past thats fairly the Norm, I would say its okay but try not to do it too often or obsess, acceptance of what is in the past is good, sometimes it is our thoughts that make us feel bad, so try to distract yourself and focus on your daughter and the positive things in your life. Good Luck
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