Miscarriages Community
Husband looking for Advice
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Husband looking for Advice

I'm not a big forum person but this is one situation I know nothing about. There are times that I can say stupid things as any man does. All my life I wanted to have a child and we're currently so close, but my concern isn't about us having or losing a child. My main concern is my wife and what's going through her head to make sure that she's okay. I want to make sure she's okay!!
I just got word that my wife might be in the middle of going through a mis-carriage. What do I say? What do I do? This is one thing that I know I can not fix or control which kills me.

A quick back story...she had an abortion about 10 years ago.
Tags: looking for advice, Mis carriage, husband looking for help
12 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I hope your wife is not miscarrying. What did the doctor say if I may ask? We lost our first pregnancy on our 2nd round of IVF last month, we had been trying for 10 yrs. My husband always listened to me. I know this was just as hard on him as it was me. Be there for her, listen and be patient. Unfortunately it is an overwhelming feeling of not being in control of what is happening and I felt helpless. My Dr said there was nothing anyone could do to change the outcome. I know it may be uncomfortable for you to hear what she's going thru but honestly the best thing my husband did was listen. I pray things are ok for you. You can message me if you need to talk.
Please let us know how she is doing.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for your thoughts. I believe we're about 6 weeks and one of her levels was at 25 and it should of been atleast 50. I'm not sure what it's called but it's the level that suppose to double every couple of days. I think I was in shock when she told me the name. The doctor said to come in tomorrow for another round of blood work.
My wife woke up this morning in pain so the doctor said to be prepared that it's a 50/50 chance as of right now. This *****...
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry for the **'s. That was all frustration.
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1994832_tn?1336762874
I agree with what ginger1975 is saying.

Please avoid saying don't worry we can try again next time, she is feeling senitive and this will make her upset. There is another line that people say
" Oh you will be fine next time round, don't worry, it will not happen again".
I really hate that line, made me realise how much they failed to understand

The amount of people that said this to me and I seriously was getting annoyed with that comment ( I did not show it, but I did with my husband). How does anyone know what will happen, it could easily happen again, and by saying it wont, it just puts  extra pressure on her to deliver, and she doesn't need that stress.  I am just telling you this as I experienced a missed miscarriage this Jan, and it was my 1st pregancy too.

I know the pain all too well. I only found out on my 12 week scan, so I was in bits, heart broken doesn't come close. I was like a zombie and now am slowly returning to normal, most awful time of my life :-(

Ur wife would want you to understand that she has a 50/50 chance and she wants you to be prepared for either outcome, that way she know that you understand her and the situation. Yes she will be feeling deeply upset and will need tons of support from urself, family & friends.

If she says, what if this happens again? it's just best to say that she stands a good chance of a successful pregancy, & in every pregancy there is always a chance it may not work out, but that's something that every women has to prepare for, should this happen. Yes it's very unfair, but were nature is involved, we can't stop it from happening.

if she feels that she has fertilty issues, and mentions this to you ( Pls do not suggest this yourself, migh make her upset), then u could also suggest fertilty testing, to see if there are any problems that could be resolved.

I would try and keep her busy and take her out places, and just keep talking to her, and listening.

Tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her.

Takecare

Rachel x

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1994832_tn?1336762874
Dear Wizard

I would also like to ask if your ok too. How are u coping with this situation and i hope you're ok too.

If she is experiencing a miscarriage,  then this is ur loss too, and it's just as hard for a man to deal with too.

I am sorry ur going through this. We tend to forget that men suffer too.

I failed to recognise this and I felt bad for it.

We are al here to support you too, and ur wife :-)

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Avatar_f_tn
.



First of all, I am so sorry you "might" be going through this.  I pray you don't have to go through this.  For most, it is a very devastating situation.  Secondly, I give you huge props for seeking advice on how to handle this situation.  Most men or partners don't seek advice and just handle it the way they handle hard situations.  My husband was one of those.  He didn't put me and my feelings and fears first.  After the initial diagnosis, he processed it and it was over for him in a day.  For that, I am very angry at him.  I still had to naturally pass everything or have surgery. I know it is devastating for the man too, but it is exceptionally hard on the woman.  The best thing you can do is be there for her no matter what.  Validate her and her feelings.  Let her know you are deeply saddened and affected by this, but you can't imagine what she is going through.  If she wants to be close to you, be close, if she wants space, give her space, if she wants to talk, listen.  Check on her frequently by asking how she is doing.  You can pick up more of the workload around the house allowing her to rest.  Please don't push her to move forward in the beginning.  If you notice she is not pulling out of depression after time has passed, maybe discuss getting professional help.  I guess, just ask her how you can help her.  As for the abortion, I don't know if that causes medical complications for future pregnancies or not.  Emotionally, for her, maybe she feels that was her chance and she aborted the pregnancy.  She may feel guilt for that.  Try to talk her out of the guilt if this infact is happening.  Guilt will eat a person up.  Assure her she did nothing wrong and this is not her fault.  I did see a website that listed things not to say to someone after a miscarriage.  Maybe you could type that in to your search engine.  I wish my husband would have researched what my body and mind was going through, so he could understand a little better.  He had/has no flippin clue.  Once again, I hope you don't have to go through this, but if you do, you are a good man by wanting to learn more and seeking advice:)  As the other wonderful ladies mentioned, this is happening to you too.  You can be sad too.  Hopefully, you and your wife can support each other and maybe you have a good support system through family and friends.  Prayers are sent your way.   P.S. I responded on your other post too.
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Avatar_f_tn
Are you talking about HcG?  Her level seems really low to me if she is 6 weeks.  Maybe you are talking about another test of which I am unaware, but I believe HcG is the only one that is supposed to double every 48 hours.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Beta HCG is what they are testing. At 4 weeks I was at 47 which was considered normal so I do think hers is low if she's 6 weeks. Please just be there for her. She really needs you right now. Everyone deals with grief differently so please don't be offended by her actions. I know you will both get thru this tough time but it's going to take some time to heal physically and emotionally. I hope she has the strength to help comfort you as well.  I pray I'm wrong but I want to be honest about what I know. I know that's what your looking for. If you need anything at all feel free to PM me.
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1415482_tn?1337188613
I am terribly sorry that you are going through this stressful process, I really hope she is not miscarrying and I commend you for getting help and being proactive on the dos and donts just in case.

A miscarriage is just like any other loss, its just as painful and just as heartrending. This is especially so when couples have been trying to conceive or with persons who are thrilled about the pregnancy. A woman imagines herself doing this and that for the baby, the moment she is aware that she is pregnant. This creates a special bond between the mother and the unborn child and a miscarriage shatters her hopes and all that she had planned in her head. In the event that your wife is miscarrying, understand that she is intensely sensitive.

You may hold her, hug her and be there for her by listening and showing real interest in her emotions. I would refrain from using the stupid cliches which people think are cute when someone has passed on. The "it just wasn't the time," "everything happens for a purpose," "it will happen eventually." no! Honestly, all you have to say is "honey, I am right here for you and I love you." Simple. If she doesn't wish to speak, leave her be. Give her some space and time but always be close, never be too far away. Keep your distance while being close too. Do things for her to show her you are there.

I am praying for you two HARD because I know a miscarriage is a horrible event to go through. I hope that everything will be ok, just keep faith and keep us posted.


xoxoxoxoxo Anna
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with Ginger.  My HcG level was 98 one day before my missed period (4 weeks), 155 forty-eight hours later and 544 one hundred and twenty hours later.  My levels weren't doubling every 48 hours, hence the very first sign something wasn't right.  Keep in mind, there is a huge variance in normal for these levels too.  Hopefully, the doctor takes it one step further to do an ultrasound.  Six weeks can be tricky though.....sometimes you see a flutter of a heartbeat and sometimes not, so they may need to do another ultrasound in a week to see if the baby has progressed.
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2180285_tn?1377870331
so sorry to hear about your possible loss, i am in the same boat may 18 i lost my only son and had to deliver him after finding out his heart had stopped beating.
I can tell you from experience there is nothing better going through this then with a supportive understand man beside you. My fiancee and i are closer now after this experience and sure you might not always say the right things but she knows you are hurting and my fiancee wont talk to me about how he is feeling which *****. i am getting better every day after the initially shock and we are trying again as i was 20 weeks into my pregnancy when we lost him.
so i am sorry to hear you have to experience but i give you props for asking woman for advice on here
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1935407_tn?1339237714
Waooooo... 1st of all i wanna say bravo... already very very less man like you and for that i am so impress.. i was in the same boat with beautifulmum. I am too losing a Boy at 21week and deliver him and name him Baby Aidan.

And i agree with her having a great support fr your spouse is the BEST medication ever. When i get to know the news that my baby heart beat has stop beating i break down and half way crazy... I kick everyone out fr the scanning room and cry my heart out...!!! not to mention he is my 5th fail pregnancy but the longest i ever been.. :(

2 hour later my Hubby walk in with teary eyes, i was already a little calm down and cry at one side of the room sit there on the floor totally like a failure, given up and half crazy woman.. As he walk closer i cry even more and more, he hugs me cry together and i was stun.... then he begin talking... "Dear... i am dying here but not only bcos we have loss the baby we wanted so much but watching you this way is really millions more time hurting me"

When i hear this i crying even harder and harder... in split second i was think myself oh gosh... am i that valuable to his eyes yet i not manage to give him a baby also.. over the 4years of marriage all i brought for him is just one after another fail pregnancy...!!! but still is killing him to see me breakdown and facing this over and over again...!!!

Then he continue... i can loss millions more babies but not you...!! i hugs him tight and he say i can't promise you everything going to be okay but i promise you i will be there with you. Is really comfort to knowing that he will be there always for me good and bad.. When i reach home, i tell him leave me alone i run to toilet and keep crying and crying and he just allowed me too...

When i come out he held my hand and say is okay sweetheart... is okay... then i go to bed lay down there like half dying, he just there hugs me.. give me tissue... wipe my tears... give me water.. kiss my forehead.. keep telling me he loves me more then anything else in this world and this will never change no matter what...

Then he take in-charge everything fr making appointment for 2nd opinion till the funeral of our beloved son... all i did is just crying and crying.. i do believe it must the toughest week in my husband life too, but he did really well. He took 2weeks leave to taking care of me.. he did almost everything fr cleaning.. cooking... washing and etc...

He allowed me to grief but he make sure i had my meals on time and my c-sec scar being taking care off.. he bath me.. wash my hair.. dry it.. almost everything he did w/out one words come out fr his mouth but smile.. :)

By the time he return to work i can say i 80% recover but not in the emotion part, is took us another month before i finally wanted to get up fr bed and move on slowly.. so just be there never fails.. if you got nothing nice to say... say nothing at all.. we woman will be touched by a kindness and if that come fr our spouse trust me it'll melt our heart and sadness will go very easily.

I not say i forget my son NO I WILL NEVER WILL but my Hubby make it easier for me for always being there during the moment of grief with so much passion that at last make me realize i one of luckiest woman in the world.... :)

Good luck to be the man woman dying to have...!!!! Praying mode on your wife not m/c... amen...

Hugs..xxx
Rachel
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